V-Card Part II: Leave the gun, take the cannoli.

So, my first time.

Let's call my first...First. Keep it simple, right.

I met First during the summer after 8th grade. We were both working at a summer camp (day camp, not overnight), and eventually started talking and hanging out more and more. First was one year older than me, so she was going into her sophmore year in high school while I was just a lowly freshman. Yes, I took a lot of grief from her about being younger, but I suppose her being older was a bragging point with some of my friends.

First: First was about my height (at the time), had long curly brown hair, great smile, and was tons of fun. She had tremendous boobs, I mean gigantic, and an ample booty. She was no runway model, but I wouldn't say she was fat either. We were both virgins when we met.

We dated most of the summer and through the fall and we experimented a lot. We did everything but have sex until December of that year. I got head everywhere, how our parents never caught us is a fucking miracle. First's mom would say something like "Honey, can you and NN go and get the clean laundry from the basement." We would go down stairs, I would get a blowjob then First and I would frantically fold clothes and go back upstairs before anyone got suspicious.

That December First and I talked about having sex, but honestly, the biggest obstacle was finding a place to do it. Sure, we could have had sex in the woods or at a party in the basement, but First's only request was that it take place in a bed. A reasonable request, I suppose.

One night while at her house her parents left to go see a movie, and we went up to her bedroom armed with about 100 Trojan condoms (non lubricated, I had no idea what I was buying). First got naked in her bed, but her dog, this huge fucking maniac Chow named Suki, went absolutely hay wire when I pushed him out of the room and shut the door. I really thought he was going to break it down. Finally, we had to stop and let him in. Actually, we let him in and he chased me all the way down to the living room. Her dad probably trained Suki to do that, but it backfired because Suki later mauled the father and had to be put down.

One afternoon around Christmas First and I were downtown shopping and had an idea. My buddy Chuck (the same one from all my other stories) and his family were in Florida for the holidays, so I knew his house was empty. More importantly, I knew where his spare key was. I researched what bus went to his house, so we hopped on and rode it about 30 minutes to his parent's place.

It seemed like the perfect setting (minus the very classy public bus ride), we had the whole house to ourselves and there was zero chance of anyone coming home and catching us.

When we got there the key was exactly where it always was. I took it out, unlocked the door, then carefully put the key back so I didn't lose it. I opened the door but as soon as I walked in I knew we had a problem, it was only slightly warmer than freezing inside the house. In an effort to cut their heating bill Chuck's parent's had turned the heat down to like 33 degrees before they left for their trip. It was a fucking meat locker inside.

I pointed First toward's Chuck's bedroom and, trying to be smooth, said something like "Go upstairs and make yourself comfortable, I'll turn up the heat.". Meanwhile, I knew full well that I was far too terrified of Chuck's dad killing me to ever touch that thermostat. Rediculously, I reasoned he would notice the spike on his bill on that day and know it was me. I wasn't willing to risk that, so I just walked over to the thermostat, stood there for a second, then followed First upstairs.

Now came the second dilema. Do we have sex in Chuck's room or the guest room. Again, his parent's room was totally out of the question. If his dad would kill me for touching the termostat, imagine the reprocussions from having sex in his bed! It was unimaginable. No chance. The guest room seems like a logical choice, but no one ever slept in that room, so I was afraid that I wouldn't make the bed right, or that First would bleed all over the sheets. Just the thought of that made me nervous. "Oh Christ!" I thought, if something like that happened I would have to join the French Foreign Legion so that Chuck's father couldn't find and disembowel me. Chuck's bed it was. I reasoned, let Chuck explain away the blood or jizz, or whatever else might come shooting out of us, that was his problem.

We both took off our clothes and slipped between the coldest set of sheets I have ever felt in my life. I am certain that if it wasn't my first time I wouldn't have been able to get hard. The sex was awkward and frantic, as you might imagine. Awkward for obvious reasons, frantic because we were bordering on hypothermia.

After about six seconds I came. First ran into the bathroom, and I instantly got naseaus with fear and regret. Up until that point in my life about the worst thing I could do was lose my bike, set my paren't house on fire, or get bad grades in school. As soon as I came I realized it was statistically possible (.001% chance) that I just impregnated a girl, and it nearly scared me to tears. My father is even scarier than Chuck's. So I would rather throw my bike in a ravine, burn down my whole neighborhood, and drop out of school than have to tell my parents that I got a girl knocked up. Actually, I think I would still rather do those things than tell my parents I got a girl I knocked up.

I heard the toilet flush so I pulled myself together. When First came out I took the condom off, stuffed it in my pants pocket, and got dressed. First and I made sure the house was as we found it and caught the next bus back downtown. Just as I was about to walk onto the bus I pulled the condom out of my pocket and threw it into the street (I have no idea why I did that, just accept it and move on).

One week later my phone rang and it was Chuck. He said "So, what did you do while I was away?". I tried to play it cool, I didn't want to blurt out "I'm not a virgin anymore!", so I said some nonsense. He then said "Did you forget something?", I said "I don't think so?". Clearly paranoid, I thought Chuck's dad had found the condom in front of the house and traced it back to me somehow. I said "Like what?"/ Chuck said "Like the condom wrapper in my bed you asshole!"

Yup, just like Clamenza in the Godfather. "Leave the gun. Take the cannoli."

Chuck still holds that against me.