I'm not sure what to make of myself today. I can't decide if I should go buy lottery tickets or jump off the Key Bridge.
Friday morning my realtor accidentally sent me a listing for a house in Georgetown. I am not in the market for properties right now, it was just a freakish accident/coincidence that she sent it to me. After I spent two months working on my last deal, which fell through, I got frustrated and bought a Harley to occupy myself for the summer. However, I like this house and can make money on it so I'm trying to put together an offer (despite being short on cash).
While I was working on this house deal Model called me from the car and said she was almost in DC. She was going to a house party with her friends at 8pm and wanted to meet up for dinner at 10pm. I had a lot on my mind but was excited to see her.
When I got home from work I noticed that it was slightly warm in my house. I checked the AC and it was on, but when I looked at the compressor outside it was totally dead. Pretty sweet, a new unit and coil is $2,000 installed. I could have done without that.
At 9:45 I left my house, grabbed a Red Bull at a nearby gas station, and walked to Granville Moore's on H Street to meet the Model. She showed up a couple minutes after me and looked great, I'm talking a solid 9 on any scale you're working from.
After dinner we moved to Little Miss Whiskey for a cocktail. We were at the upstairs bar having a drink and alternating between dancing and flirting. Model had on a tight little strapless dress and I said that I liked it and how nice it looked on her. She said "Thanks, I borrowed it from my friend for the party tonight. I like it, but I could really use a push-up bra for it. It makes me look flat chested." I disagreed and said that it fit her perfectly. Model said "No, it makes me look small, they are actually really nice. See." Then, with all the speed and unpredictability of a lightening strike she flicked the top edge of her dress down and up and flashed me. It happened so fast that I wasn't even sure what I had seen. I looked left and right but no one else apparently noticed.
This chick is wild. I like it. I backed her into a dark corner of the bar and kissed her.
We danced and talked and had a shot but finally at about 12:30am Model said "I'm not really sure how to get back to my friend's house. I said I would be back by one, I should probably get in a cab soon." I said OK and we went outside. As we waited for a cab I told Model that my AC had died and that my house was probably over 100 degrees by then. I said I had turned down my hot tub as cold as it would go and that I was going for a swim when I got home. She then said the five sweetest words in the English language: "You have a hot tub?"
I said yes and asked her if she wanted to come along. She said "Like a real hot tub?" I said "Is there any other kind?"
Model and I walked the ten minutes to my house. When we got to my place we walked through my back gate and right to the tub. I flipped open the top and turned on the jets as I stripped down. When I turned around Model said "OK, just like this?" and slowly tugged down her dress. All she had underneath was a tiny little black and red lace thong. I pulled off my pants and jumped in with Model behind me.
We only stayed in the tub for about 15 minutes before going to the bedroom. Model didn't disappoint, she was an animal. Imagine the best porn you've ever seen with the hottest, sexiest chick. Now imagine you actually get to be in the scene. That's my Friday night. We fucked twice before passing out.
At about 5am I woke up because it was sweltering hot in my house. I looked to my right and saw a pile of wet towels on my floor and two half-full glasses of water on my dresser and thought "Holy shit, that really happened!" I rolled over and on the far side of my bed was that perfect little ass. I remember thinking to myself "I may never get this lucky again" I grabbed another condom from my dresser and slid into her. We fucked without saying anything to each other then passed out.
I woke up again at 8am. I spotted the towels and the (now empty) water glasses and was like "No fucking way, it's like a fantastic version of Groundhog Day." I turned over and the Model was laying on her back, her perfectly waxed pussy smiling at me. "NN, you really may never get this lucky again". I shimmied down to the foot of my bed and starting going down on her. Model tossed and turned then a few minutes later had a little orgasmic seizure. When she was done she pulled me up on top of her, I rolled on a condom, and we went at it again. When a girl is that sexy, and this into it, I really think I could fuck her all day and night.
At 10am we went and got some coffee then I gave her a ride home on the bike. Halfway to her friend's apartment Model said "This is like foreplay, I wish I didn't have to leave." Model had a concert to go to Saturday and had to be back home early Sunday night, so I didn't see her again before she left. She said she would come back down in a few weeks.
This morning I got to my office and I boss called me. It was strange, as soon as I answered he said "Hang on, I have to put you on hold" then I sat there in silence for almost fifteen minutes. When he came back on he said "Hey, you're doing a good job, I got you an increase" then gave me a five and a half percent raise on top of the three and a half percent I got in April. No one at my company gets a nine percent raise in one year. It's unheard of.
I don't believe in luck, or karma, but I'm on a roll. I said WTF and am preparing an offer on the Georgetown house.
After the call with my boss I sent my buddy D-Ron a picture of Model. He simply wrote back "Dude, I would move home for that..."
Monday, June 28, 2010
Friday, June 25, 2010
The Model
My mother is a painter and is part of a group that meets weekly to collaborate and paint together. On occasion they hire models to pose for them. Last month when I was home visiting the family my mom said "You have to meet my newest model, she's lovely." My mom uses the term "lovely" to describe all manner of things. A salad, an eighty year old woman, or a bronze door knocker could all be deemed "lovely" by my mom. So when she tells me that she has met a young lady I have to meet who is "lovely" I'm skeptical.
On the second night I was home my mom said "Let's go to the bar that the model is working at tonight, I would love for you to meet her." In the thirty three years I have been alive I have never once been even remotely attracted to anyone my mother or her friends have tried to set me up with. The girls she thinks are "lovely" may be very nice people, but they have all been hideous. Trust me, it's like the cast of a fucking zombie movie. I recoiled at the idea of making forced conversation with some heifer that my mom paints once a week. Plus, she lives four hundred miles away from me. There aren't too many women I would date long distance, the list pretty much starts and ends at Maria Sharapova. But I agreed because there are some things you just have to do for your mom.
I threw on a t-shirt and a pair of jeans and headed for the door. My mom said "Oh no you don't, you can't wear that, you have to go put on a nice shirt." (FYI - "nice" is the masculine form of the feminine adjective "lovely" in mom-ease). It was too hot out to argue. I changed into a button down shirt and we left. My mom knew I wasn't psyched about the deal and on the way there she said "Now, you need to be sharp, she's really sassy. Don't be a mope..." Oh, Christ.
While I was getting pointers all I could think about was that my mom has already seen this girl naked, and how weird it would be if I hooked up with her. I was tempted to ask my mom if the model had a Brazilian wax job. I figured that would cause such a ruckus that she would make me turn the car around and I could spend the rest of the night sitting on the couch drinking beer. While exactly what I wanted to do, I decided against it.
You know where this story is headed. We showed up to the bar and the girl was stunning and fucking awesome. She was totally cool. She was my height, in really great shape, long black hair, pretty face. My mom was right, "sassy" was the perfect term to describe her, she's like a ball of atomic energy. She's a singer and is moving to San Francisco in a few months to attend a yoga school. Yeah, she's a free spirit and maybe lacks some direction at the moment, but who gives a shit.
We're going to call her the Model.
I really enjoyed talking to her. After a few drinks I cleared the tab and we left.
On the car ride home my mom said "She really liked you.", and I asked how she knew that? Mom said "When you weren't looking she mouthed to me 'He's hot'." This was a very uncomfortable conversation to have with my 68 year old mother.
We didn't talk about the Model anymore while I was home. A couple of weeks later I asked my mom the Model's last name and stalked (friended) her on Facebook. I said that if she's ever in DC she should let me know, I would show her around. The next day she sent me a message saying that she would be here the weekend of the 25th.
The Model is arriving this afternoon. She staying with friends this weekend and asked if we could meet up for drinks tonight. Will be interesting to see where this goes. I think it's an all or nothing situation.
On the second night I was home my mom said "Let's go to the bar that the model is working at tonight, I would love for you to meet her." In the thirty three years I have been alive I have never once been even remotely attracted to anyone my mother or her friends have tried to set me up with. The girls she thinks are "lovely" may be very nice people, but they have all been hideous. Trust me, it's like the cast of a fucking zombie movie. I recoiled at the idea of making forced conversation with some heifer that my mom paints once a week. Plus, she lives four hundred miles away from me. There aren't too many women I would date long distance, the list pretty much starts and ends at Maria Sharapova. But I agreed because there are some things you just have to do for your mom.
I threw on a t-shirt and a pair of jeans and headed for the door. My mom said "Oh no you don't, you can't wear that, you have to go put on a nice shirt." (FYI - "nice" is the masculine form of the feminine adjective "lovely" in mom-ease). It was too hot out to argue. I changed into a button down shirt and we left. My mom knew I wasn't psyched about the deal and on the way there she said "Now, you need to be sharp, she's really sassy. Don't be a mope..." Oh, Christ.
While I was getting pointers all I could think about was that my mom has already seen this girl naked, and how weird it would be if I hooked up with her. I was tempted to ask my mom if the model had a Brazilian wax job. I figured that would cause such a ruckus that she would make me turn the car around and I could spend the rest of the night sitting on the couch drinking beer. While exactly what I wanted to do, I decided against it.
You know where this story is headed. We showed up to the bar and the girl was stunning and fucking awesome. She was totally cool. She was my height, in really great shape, long black hair, pretty face. My mom was right, "sassy" was the perfect term to describe her, she's like a ball of atomic energy. She's a singer and is moving to San Francisco in a few months to attend a yoga school. Yeah, she's a free spirit and maybe lacks some direction at the moment, but who gives a shit.
We're going to call her the Model.
I really enjoyed talking to her. After a few drinks I cleared the tab and we left.
On the car ride home my mom said "She really liked you.", and I asked how she knew that? Mom said "When you weren't looking she mouthed to me 'He's hot'." This was a very uncomfortable conversation to have with my 68 year old mother.
We didn't talk about the Model anymore while I was home. A couple of weeks later I asked my mom the Model's last name and stalked (friended) her on Facebook. I said that if she's ever in DC she should let me know, I would show her around. The next day she sent me a message saying that she would be here the weekend of the 25th.
The Model is arriving this afternoon. She staying with friends this weekend and asked if we could meet up for drinks tonight. Will be interesting to see where this goes. I think it's an all or nothing situation.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
An unusual moment of regret.
In early June my hot little Canadian friend, Blue, posted a picture of Christopher McCandless as her Facebook profile picture. In typical NN fashion I was quick with a wise-ass remark and called McCandless, who sometimes goes by the alias "Alexander Supertramp", superjackass. You can see below how the conversation unfolded.
NN June 20 at 9:20pm
Supertramp...superjackass...
[The subject line of the post above was "McCandless was a self-aggrandizing fool"]
Blue June 21 at 3:57am
Wow NN, pretty random offending opinion right there. We differ because I love the guy and his morals. I actually find him quite a genius. Did you ever even read the book before critisizing like that? It was simply his own way and views of life he was living with his own goals for himself, why do people care if he lived it differently than most boring typical citizens, obsessed by materialism. Anyhow sorry, kinda offended because you'd need to know and learn deeper on his idealism of life before critisizing so harshly.
In my pic, its a week before he died. He took a picture of himself knowing he was going to die any time soon. He holds a letter giving thanx and saying he lived a happy life. Pretty impressed with his happiness level on the picture for a guy knowing he was going to die very soon.
Anyhow, different perspectives i guess. Didnt need to get so intense with your disapproval. You knew i obviously admired him... wtv
NN June 24 at 8:36am
My intention wasn't to offend you, sorry about that. I didn't know you admired him or I would have kept my opinion to myself. I assumed you put the pic for other reasons.
I did read the book, and have done a lot other research on him because my buddy D-Ron and I debated about him a lot. I like his antimaterialistic views, it's very courageous. However, I think he was essentially wreckless and very disrespectful to his family. Anyone who knows anything about the wilderness will say that whether he knew it or not, his lack of education/planning for his Alaskan journey was effectively suicide. He had no map, no compass, and no training. And now people romanticize what he did, which is what bothers me the most.
While I don't feel badly for him, I do empathize with his plight. He fucked up, he realized he fucked up, but it was too late when he did. Whether he accidentally poisoned himself with the berries or not, he became sick and didn't have the energy to walk out of the woods, which is what he desperately wanted (there was a bridge just a few miles from his bus to cross that river, but since he didn't have a map he didn't know it). He died alone, scared, and very angry at himself (as his writing suggests).
There are certainly worse role models, but Mr. Supertramp isn't one of mine.
Again, sorry about how harsh my comments were. It was reflexive, I should have been a little more articulate and sensitive to other views. You're right, I didn't need to be so intense.
-NN
Two things happened here. First, I felt really badly that I offended her. It's extraordinarily unusual that I regret saying something. Sometimes I regret physically vocalizing a thought, but it's rare that I regret the thought itself. [It's similar to thieves. They don't usually regret the act of stealing, they usually just regret getting caught.] However, in this case I really do regret calling him a "superjackass" because in some ways I do admire McCandless. I think his anti-materialistic views are noble. Most people don't have the courage to shun material goods. My problems with McCandless are that he was very disrespectful to his family and irresponsible for going into the wilderness unprepared. He was either stupid, careless, naive, or suicidal. I'm not here to debate any of these, but whichever he was I don't think he is a role model or someone to romanticize. [For the record, I think he had most likely had emotional problems. He certainly didn't sounds stupid.]
The second thing that I realized here is that Blue showed a lot of poise and feeling in her response, which I respect. I always thought of her as a pretty face, but not much more because, well, she's super hot and kind of a goofball. Her email showed that's not the case.
In my defense, I thought Blue posted the picture without knowing who or what McCandless was about. It's kind of a funny picture and I presumed she posted it because she thought it was just an amusing picture of a funny looking dude. I didn't realize she admired him so much. This doesn't make my comments right.
If you would like to learn more about Christopher McCandless you should read the book Into the Wild by Jon Krakauer. There is also a movie by the same name directed by Sean Penn, but it really doesn't do the story justice because it doesn't cover enough of McCandless's background.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
The Charlotte Karo Show
Last week I was in North Carolina for work. I knew that a comedian and author I like, Aaron Karo, was doing a stand up show in Charlotte on Thursday night and planned my travel so that I would be in town and could attend. It would prove to be a great bit of planning.
Doors to the show opened at 8pm, so I drove to the venue at 7pm to get my bearings then found a restaurant nearby to get some dinner. The steakhouse was packed with well-dressed patrons just getting off work. Since I usually don't know anyone in the towns I travel to for work I brought a book along to dinner to entertain myself. While I was sipping my vodka and reading I felt a hand brush against my lower back. I expected to see a waitress looking to get at the bar, but instead there was a blond cougar. She moved her hand to my leg and said "So, is this your tactic to meet women? You bring a book and ignore all the single ladies?" I was caught way off guard and wasn't sure how to respond. I mumbled something and the cougar continued. "Most guys just watch sports on the TV's, but reading a book is a great tactic, it's so sexy." In my mind I quietly thanked Mrs. B., my kindergarten teacher, for teaching me to read. I said "I don't really like sports, and don't know anyone here, so I brought a book along to pass the time."
The cougar: I don't know exactly how old the cougar was, I would guess about 37. She was around 5'5", blond, thin with a nice body. She had on white pants, a low-cut blouse, and high heeled shoes. I'll just call her Cougar.
All the seats at the bar were full so Cougar and I chatted while she stood between me and the guy sitting next to me. It was awkward because he was about ten inches away and heard our whole conversation. Cougar asked what I was doing in town, and where I was from. We didn't have much common ground to talk about so we went through the compulsory nonsense: where we're from, what we do for work, how often I'm in Charlotte, etc. After ten minutes my salad came and Cougar said "Well, eat your salad, honey, we can have a drink and talk when you're done."
Cougar then left and went and sat alone at a table towards the rear of the bar. The guy next to me, who was there with two buddies, said "Do you know that woman?" I said I had never seen her before. He nodded and said "Not bad for a Thursday."
The three guys next to me left just as I finished my steak, so Cougar came over and sat next to me. We finished our drinks and she asked if I would like another. I declined and said that I was actually in a hurry to get to the club to see the Karo show. I explained who Karo was then asked her if she would like to join me. She agreed, so I cleared my tab and we walked out together. Just before I left the bartender, who was a young dude, said "Welcome to Charlotte!"
I got my car and Cougar pulled around in a brand new Lexus with these really tacky blinged-out chrome rims. She followed me the ten blocks to the club and we parked. The drive couldn't have been more than six minutes, but in that time Cougar went from seemingly fine to completely hammered. I generally don't do drugs, and am not sure I'm qualified to judge, but I can't help but think that she did something in the car on the way there. There just doesn't seem to be any other excuse for how out of control she got in such a short time. She kept asking me my name, and where I was from. Aaron Karo has all these great hook-up stories, so I kept thinking that however annoying she was, at least I might get a good story out of all this. Classic understatement.
I paid our way into the show, so Cougar said she wanted to buy me drinks. Tickets for the show were only $10 each, but I agreed anyway. I said "I'll have a beer, and let's do a shot." She said "OK, tequila. Doubles." OK, if that's how you roll. We ordered the drinks and chatted for a few minutes. A terrible opening act took the stage and I decided to make things interesting by suggesting we take a seat up front. It was a fortuitous call. As soon as we sat down Cougar began shouting at the comedian. At first she was funny, lightly heckling him, but her comments soon turned malicious. The poor guy kept losing his place and fucking up his punch lines. He was bad to begin with, but with Cougar shouting at him his act completely derailed. The guy was absolutely lost on stage and I was starting to get dirty looks from the crowd for bringing the belligerent drunk along to the show. I decided I needed to put a little space between Cougar and I so when the opening act left the stage I told her I was going to get us another round.
At the bar I met this really hot red head and a little Indian girl (dot, not feather). I chatted with them until Cougar made her way, drunkenly, to the bar. She said "Enough beer, why don't you have a real drink", then shouted to the bartender "Hey, I used to tend bar, get over here and get us some drinks!" I'm all for raucous behavior, but when you start being rude to the bartenders I draw the line. I said to her "Why don't you save our seats, I'll get this round." Our seats had already been filled, so she found two seats at the back of the tiny venue and resumed her assault as soon as Karo took the stage."
I don't recall exactly what she was saying, it was mostly just incoherent ranting, but everyone in the small venue (perhaps 150 people) were getting pissed, me included. I needed to distance myself more so I resumed my talks with the red head and the Indian. While we talked I could hear the Cougar's annoying shrill trumping Karo's routine. She was simultaneously taunting the crowd and Karo. I had had enough. I grabbed a bouncer as he walked by and said "Hey, the blond in the back is out of control, I think you should kick her out." He looked at my quizzically and said "Didn't you come with her?" I said "Listen, dude, I met her an hour ago at a restaurant. She's annoying as fuck, I'll give you $50 to throw her out." The bouncer declined but the red head thought this was hysterical. She said "If she leaves we should get a drink afterwards. I turned to the bouncer and said "Make it $100".
Just then I heard a guy shout "Shut the fuck up! Shut up! We can't hear the show! shut your fucking mouth" then I think he called Cougar a "whore". Wow, that was over the top, but perhaps not out of line given the major disruption Cougar was causing. She really was ruining the show. I looked at the bouncer and repeated "One hundred, man. Toss her!" Cougar and the guy kept yelling at each other, and Karo had completely stopped his act to watch what was unfolding in the crowd. Cougar wasn't done. She turned to the guy and said "You're fucking rude. And you have anger issues. You need to get your dick sucked more often!" Karo, not one to miss a beat, said to Cougar "It seems that would kill two birds with one stone if you did it." The place went wild. Cougar was losing ground, so she turned her ire on me. She saw I was still talking to the red head so, standing on her seat she shouted at me "And you! Are you going to fuck her instead of me tonight?" I thought 'Oh boy, this isn't going well.' The red head laughed it off then turned to me and said "Have fun tonight.", and walked off. Even my little Indian friend abandoned me.
Cougar left her seat and came to the bar. "You're an asshole! Do you like those girls?" I needed a diversion so I found the guy in the crowd who had yelled at Cougar and said "Hey, isn't that the dude who called you a whore?" He was walking outside to have a cigarette so she gave chase while I enjoyed the show. Cougar and the other heckler were outside for about fifteen minutes, presumably trading fists. Karo said "What the fuck was I talking about?", then went on with his act. The bouncer, who moments before I had tried to bribe to kick Cougar out, came over to me and said "I think your girl is outside fighting in the parking lot." I said "First of all, she's not my girl. Secondly, isn't that better than in here causing mayhem?" He agreed the situation was greatly improved with Cougar outside and walked over to the door to see if anyone had been knocked out. I finished my vodka then decided I should check on the situation.
Outside, I found that Cougar and the heckler had made up, and that she had even given him her card for some reason. I said to her "Hey, I think the show is pretty much over for us, maybe we should get out of here." She still wasn't happy with me for talking to those other girls, but reluctantly agreed to leave. In the parking lot I asked her if I could drive her home and she said "I live half a mile from the South Carolina border, it's too far from here, where are you staying?" It never occurred to me that this tumultuous meeting would still wind up in sex. I said "My hotel is about ten minutes from here, hop in, I'll drive." She declined and insisted that she was fine to drive. I tried unsuccessfully for another ten minutes to convince her she shouldn't be behind the wheel, but she maintained that she was OK.
Side note: Is it my fiduciary responsibility to be this chicks moral barometer? Was it really my job to keep her off the road while she maintained she was "fine" to operate a vehicle? I mean, if I told her to fuck off and left, she would drive home anyway, so what is my role in this situation? Sure, she could swerve off the road and kill herself, or worse, some innocent pedestrian or driver, but how can I really stop her from driving? Her keys weren't out, so I couldn't snatch them from her hands and insist she come with me or take a cab. I figured the next best thing would be to tell her to CAREFULLY follow me from a safe distance. She thought this sounded like a plan and agreed.
Halfway to the hotel Cougar starts flashing her lights and honking. I thought "What the fuck!" and pulled into a parking lot. Cougar pulled in behind me and parked in a space. I looked up and realized she had made me stop at a bar. As she got out of the car I rolled my window down and said "What are you doing?" She said "We're getting a drink here", as if that was the plan all along. "The hell we are!" I shouted, "Get back in the car or I'm leaving you." Without saying a word she got back in her car and I pulled out with nutsy Cougar giving chase.
The remainder of the drive was high comedy. I spent most of the time looking in the rearview mirror ready to take evasive maneuvers if I thought she was going to slam into me. To my surprise, though, her driving seemed 100%. She wasn't swerving or making any irrational moves. I kept thinking "Man, maybe I'm fucked up, because I think she's driving better than I", even though I knew I was sober.
When we pulled into the garage of my hotel Cougar slipped her car into a tight spot with all the aplomb of Mario Andretti. I was shocked. She popped out and said "Why didn't you want a drink back there?" Man, this chick doesn't give up. I told her it really wasn't necessary at this point, and we made our way into the lobby.
We got into the elevator with three businessmen who totally knew what was going on. I tried to act cool, but Cougar was still a mess and kept licking my neck and grabbing my crotch. I whispered to her "Just try to keep it together for another few minutes, will you.", and was greatly relieved when all three guys got out on the next floor.
When we got to my room Cougar said "Do you have any wine?" I said "Wine, why would I have wine in my hotel room? No, I don't have any wine. Besides, do you really need more wine at this point?" Without waiting for a response I went to the bathroom and took a shower. As soon as I lathered up I heard the door open. Cougar pulled back the curtain, totally naked, and climbed in.
After a quick shower we went to the bed and got under the covers. She grabbed my cock and said "Wrap that thing up." Nice, no foreplay needed here. For the first time in my life I actually considered using two rubbers, and even contemplated if two would be sufficient. I eventually opted for one because I only had three total on me, and correctly assumed this was going to be a long night. Cougar was pretty nuts. She gave me the full crazy cougar treatment. Spanking, dirty talk, she even spit on my once, which I never even saw coming. Mid-fuck, while on top of me, she just spit in my face. I said "What the fuck was that?", and she laughed. I threw her off me, flipped her over, and fucked her from behind doing my best to rupture an ovary. I was pissed. Honestly, who spits in some one's face? We never established that sort of behavior.
We fucked twice more before passing out. I think her pussy had an IV because it was wet all night. In the morning I heard her fumbling around the room looking for her clothes. It was 5:30 or 6am. I was doing a pretty good job of sleeping through it until I heard her talking to herself in the bathroom. "Why is my hair so curly?", then to me, "Did we take a shower last night?". I started laughing and said "Yup." She said "Did I drive here?" More laughing. "Yup." She walked into the bedroom naked trying to comb her fingers through her hair. She was making this distorted, confused, face, and kept looking at her fingers. She said "What's in my hair?" I didn't even dignify that question with a response.
Cougar pulled herself together and found all her belongings. She got dressed, gurgled some mouthwash, then threw her purse over her shoulder. I was still in bed and she asked "Where did I park?" I said level two. After all this, the ruined show, the spitting, the complete black-out, Cougar had the audacity to say "I'm going to be in Washington in July, want to get together?" No response. I was stunned. She continued "I'm going to be there Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, maybe I can just stay the weekend?"
Let's just say the answer was a resounding "NO!".
End Note: I had Karo's email address so in the morning I emailed him and told him that I had brought the crazy blond to the show and apologized for her behavior. He said "Shit happens, bro" and told me that the other heckler had given him her card as a souviner.
Doors to the show opened at 8pm, so I drove to the venue at 7pm to get my bearings then found a restaurant nearby to get some dinner. The steakhouse was packed with well-dressed patrons just getting off work. Since I usually don't know anyone in the towns I travel to for work I brought a book along to dinner to entertain myself. While I was sipping my vodka and reading I felt a hand brush against my lower back. I expected to see a waitress looking to get at the bar, but instead there was a blond cougar. She moved her hand to my leg and said "So, is this your tactic to meet women? You bring a book and ignore all the single ladies?" I was caught way off guard and wasn't sure how to respond. I mumbled something and the cougar continued. "Most guys just watch sports on the TV's, but reading a book is a great tactic, it's so sexy." In my mind I quietly thanked Mrs. B., my kindergarten teacher, for teaching me to read. I said "I don't really like sports, and don't know anyone here, so I brought a book along to pass the time."
The cougar: I don't know exactly how old the cougar was, I would guess about 37. She was around 5'5", blond, thin with a nice body. She had on white pants, a low-cut blouse, and high heeled shoes. I'll just call her Cougar.
All the seats at the bar were full so Cougar and I chatted while she stood between me and the guy sitting next to me. It was awkward because he was about ten inches away and heard our whole conversation. Cougar asked what I was doing in town, and where I was from. We didn't have much common ground to talk about so we went through the compulsory nonsense: where we're from, what we do for work, how often I'm in Charlotte, etc. After ten minutes my salad came and Cougar said "Well, eat your salad, honey, we can have a drink and talk when you're done."
Cougar then left and went and sat alone at a table towards the rear of the bar. The guy next to me, who was there with two buddies, said "Do you know that woman?" I said I had never seen her before. He nodded and said "Not bad for a Thursday."
The three guys next to me left just as I finished my steak, so Cougar came over and sat next to me. We finished our drinks and she asked if I would like another. I declined and said that I was actually in a hurry to get to the club to see the Karo show. I explained who Karo was then asked her if she would like to join me. She agreed, so I cleared my tab and we walked out together. Just before I left the bartender, who was a young dude, said "Welcome to Charlotte!"
I got my car and Cougar pulled around in a brand new Lexus with these really tacky blinged-out chrome rims. She followed me the ten blocks to the club and we parked. The drive couldn't have been more than six minutes, but in that time Cougar went from seemingly fine to completely hammered. I generally don't do drugs, and am not sure I'm qualified to judge, but I can't help but think that she did something in the car on the way there. There just doesn't seem to be any other excuse for how out of control she got in such a short time. She kept asking me my name, and where I was from. Aaron Karo has all these great hook-up stories, so I kept thinking that however annoying she was, at least I might get a good story out of all this. Classic understatement.
I paid our way into the show, so Cougar said she wanted to buy me drinks. Tickets for the show were only $10 each, but I agreed anyway. I said "I'll have a beer, and let's do a shot." She said "OK, tequila. Doubles." OK, if that's how you roll. We ordered the drinks and chatted for a few minutes. A terrible opening act took the stage and I decided to make things interesting by suggesting we take a seat up front. It was a fortuitous call. As soon as we sat down Cougar began shouting at the comedian. At first she was funny, lightly heckling him, but her comments soon turned malicious. The poor guy kept losing his place and fucking up his punch lines. He was bad to begin with, but with Cougar shouting at him his act completely derailed. The guy was absolutely lost on stage and I was starting to get dirty looks from the crowd for bringing the belligerent drunk along to the show. I decided I needed to put a little space between Cougar and I so when the opening act left the stage I told her I was going to get us another round.
At the bar I met this really hot red head and a little Indian girl (dot, not feather). I chatted with them until Cougar made her way, drunkenly, to the bar. She said "Enough beer, why don't you have a real drink", then shouted to the bartender "Hey, I used to tend bar, get over here and get us some drinks!" I'm all for raucous behavior, but when you start being rude to the bartenders I draw the line. I said to her "Why don't you save our seats, I'll get this round." Our seats had already been filled, so she found two seats at the back of the tiny venue and resumed her assault as soon as Karo took the stage."
I don't recall exactly what she was saying, it was mostly just incoherent ranting, but everyone in the small venue (perhaps 150 people) were getting pissed, me included. I needed to distance myself more so I resumed my talks with the red head and the Indian. While we talked I could hear the Cougar's annoying shrill trumping Karo's routine. She was simultaneously taunting the crowd and Karo. I had had enough. I grabbed a bouncer as he walked by and said "Hey, the blond in the back is out of control, I think you should kick her out." He looked at my quizzically and said "Didn't you come with her?" I said "Listen, dude, I met her an hour ago at a restaurant. She's annoying as fuck, I'll give you $50 to throw her out." The bouncer declined but the red head thought this was hysterical. She said "If she leaves we should get a drink afterwards. I turned to the bouncer and said "Make it $100".
Just then I heard a guy shout "Shut the fuck up! Shut up! We can't hear the show! shut your fucking mouth" then I think he called Cougar a "whore". Wow, that was over the top, but perhaps not out of line given the major disruption Cougar was causing. She really was ruining the show. I looked at the bouncer and repeated "One hundred, man. Toss her!" Cougar and the guy kept yelling at each other, and Karo had completely stopped his act to watch what was unfolding in the crowd. Cougar wasn't done. She turned to the guy and said "You're fucking rude. And you have anger issues. You need to get your dick sucked more often!" Karo, not one to miss a beat, said to Cougar "It seems that would kill two birds with one stone if you did it." The place went wild. Cougar was losing ground, so she turned her ire on me. She saw I was still talking to the red head so, standing on her seat she shouted at me "And you! Are you going to fuck her instead of me tonight?" I thought 'Oh boy, this isn't going well.' The red head laughed it off then turned to me and said "Have fun tonight.", and walked off. Even my little Indian friend abandoned me.
Cougar left her seat and came to the bar. "You're an asshole! Do you like those girls?" I needed a diversion so I found the guy in the crowd who had yelled at Cougar and said "Hey, isn't that the dude who called you a whore?" He was walking outside to have a cigarette so she gave chase while I enjoyed the show. Cougar and the other heckler were outside for about fifteen minutes, presumably trading fists. Karo said "What the fuck was I talking about?", then went on with his act. The bouncer, who moments before I had tried to bribe to kick Cougar out, came over to me and said "I think your girl is outside fighting in the parking lot." I said "First of all, she's not my girl. Secondly, isn't that better than in here causing mayhem?" He agreed the situation was greatly improved with Cougar outside and walked over to the door to see if anyone had been knocked out. I finished my vodka then decided I should check on the situation.
Outside, I found that Cougar and the heckler had made up, and that she had even given him her card for some reason. I said to her "Hey, I think the show is pretty much over for us, maybe we should get out of here." She still wasn't happy with me for talking to those other girls, but reluctantly agreed to leave. In the parking lot I asked her if I could drive her home and she said "I live half a mile from the South Carolina border, it's too far from here, where are you staying?" It never occurred to me that this tumultuous meeting would still wind up in sex. I said "My hotel is about ten minutes from here, hop in, I'll drive." She declined and insisted that she was fine to drive. I tried unsuccessfully for another ten minutes to convince her she shouldn't be behind the wheel, but she maintained that she was OK.
Side note: Is it my fiduciary responsibility to be this chicks moral barometer? Was it really my job to keep her off the road while she maintained she was "fine" to operate a vehicle? I mean, if I told her to fuck off and left, she would drive home anyway, so what is my role in this situation? Sure, she could swerve off the road and kill herself, or worse, some innocent pedestrian or driver, but how can I really stop her from driving? Her keys weren't out, so I couldn't snatch them from her hands and insist she come with me or take a cab. I figured the next best thing would be to tell her to CAREFULLY follow me from a safe distance. She thought this sounded like a plan and agreed.
Halfway to the hotel Cougar starts flashing her lights and honking. I thought "What the fuck!" and pulled into a parking lot. Cougar pulled in behind me and parked in a space. I looked up and realized she had made me stop at a bar. As she got out of the car I rolled my window down and said "What are you doing?" She said "We're getting a drink here", as if that was the plan all along. "The hell we are!" I shouted, "Get back in the car or I'm leaving you." Without saying a word she got back in her car and I pulled out with nutsy Cougar giving chase.
The remainder of the drive was high comedy. I spent most of the time looking in the rearview mirror ready to take evasive maneuvers if I thought she was going to slam into me. To my surprise, though, her driving seemed 100%. She wasn't swerving or making any irrational moves. I kept thinking "Man, maybe I'm fucked up, because I think she's driving better than I", even though I knew I was sober.
When we pulled into the garage of my hotel Cougar slipped her car into a tight spot with all the aplomb of Mario Andretti. I was shocked. She popped out and said "Why didn't you want a drink back there?" Man, this chick doesn't give up. I told her it really wasn't necessary at this point, and we made our way into the lobby.
We got into the elevator with three businessmen who totally knew what was going on. I tried to act cool, but Cougar was still a mess and kept licking my neck and grabbing my crotch. I whispered to her "Just try to keep it together for another few minutes, will you.", and was greatly relieved when all three guys got out on the next floor.
When we got to my room Cougar said "Do you have any wine?" I said "Wine, why would I have wine in my hotel room? No, I don't have any wine. Besides, do you really need more wine at this point?" Without waiting for a response I went to the bathroom and took a shower. As soon as I lathered up I heard the door open. Cougar pulled back the curtain, totally naked, and climbed in.
After a quick shower we went to the bed and got under the covers. She grabbed my cock and said "Wrap that thing up." Nice, no foreplay needed here. For the first time in my life I actually considered using two rubbers, and even contemplated if two would be sufficient. I eventually opted for one because I only had three total on me, and correctly assumed this was going to be a long night. Cougar was pretty nuts. She gave me the full crazy cougar treatment. Spanking, dirty talk, she even spit on my once, which I never even saw coming. Mid-fuck, while on top of me, she just spit in my face. I said "What the fuck was that?", and she laughed. I threw her off me, flipped her over, and fucked her from behind doing my best to rupture an ovary. I was pissed. Honestly, who spits in some one's face? We never established that sort of behavior.
We fucked twice more before passing out. I think her pussy had an IV because it was wet all night. In the morning I heard her fumbling around the room looking for her clothes. It was 5:30 or 6am. I was doing a pretty good job of sleeping through it until I heard her talking to herself in the bathroom. "Why is my hair so curly?", then to me, "Did we take a shower last night?". I started laughing and said "Yup." She said "Did I drive here?" More laughing. "Yup." She walked into the bedroom naked trying to comb her fingers through her hair. She was making this distorted, confused, face, and kept looking at her fingers. She said "What's in my hair?" I didn't even dignify that question with a response.
Cougar pulled herself together and found all her belongings. She got dressed, gurgled some mouthwash, then threw her purse over her shoulder. I was still in bed and she asked "Where did I park?" I said level two. After all this, the ruined show, the spitting, the complete black-out, Cougar had the audacity to say "I'm going to be in Washington in July, want to get together?" No response. I was stunned. She continued "I'm going to be there Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, maybe I can just stay the weekend?"
Let's just say the answer was a resounding "NO!".
End Note: I had Karo's email address so in the morning I emailed him and told him that I had brought the crazy blond to the show and apologized for her behavior. He said "Shit happens, bro" and told me that the other heckler had given him her card as a souviner.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Legs Like a Piano
"Hi-five, nice shot NN", says Kay's boyfriend, Adrian Fenty's Mini-me, to me after a particularly good shot during a game of corn hole. "Yeah, thanks little guy!" I said, resisting the urge to throw him into a headlock and give him noogies on his tiny shaved melon. I looked across the lawn and saw Kay and Poonani chatting together. It was about then that Martin, Kay's pre-NN ex, pulled into the driveway, staring, mouth agape at the scene.
I wish I could say this was a dream, at least then I would be able to wake up and have it be over. No, this was a real-life. A nightmare unfolding before my eyes in living color. Go ahead and have a chuckle, I know I did.
This fiasco started about two months ago when Chuck told me that he was having a little party to celebrate his wife's pregnancy. I said "Like a baby shower?" Chuck was quick to say "No, not like a baby shower, it's just a BBQ at Brad's house. It's an excuse to drink his booze and mess up his house. You can even take a big deuce in his master bathroom if you want. It'll be fun.". It sounded like a baby shower to me.
A week later a pink invitation with diaper and baby bottle graphics came in the mail. At the very bottom was a website with their registry. Definitely a baby shower. I called C-Roc and said "Chuck's having a coed baby shower!" Being married with a baby and one more in the oven C-Roc said "Are you fucking kidding me, Chuck's having a 'Jack and Jill' baby shower! Jesus, I can't wait to crucify him for this." He was practically pissing himself he was laughing so hard and had to hang up because he couldn't talk.
I looked closer at the date and realized I was going on a motorcycle trip to Canada with some buddies and that I wouldn't be able to make it. Then, last week, fate took a cruel turn and our bike trip was moved. I no longer had an excuse, I had to go to the fucking baby shower.
Chuck tried to assuage my fears. He insisted it was just a BBQ. There would be none of the normal baby shower antics. No games. No opening of presents. Just beer, burgers, and maybe some corn hole. I reluctantly agreed to go.
Chuck lied like a carnival charlatan.
As soon as I pulled up to Brad's house and saw the pink decorations on his front lawn I knew I had been duped. The back yard was even worse. There were baby bottle pinatas hanging from the trees, sparkly pink table clothes, and on one long table, four naked life-sized dolls and a stack of Pampers. I assumed my spot in a lone chair next to the bar and began my IV of Captain and Cokes. As the trickle slowly numbed the pain Kay strolled in wearing a short sundress and suddenly everything in the world was right again. The decorations, the deception, I was redeemed because Kay's legs had doubled in size. Those legs should be holding up a Steinway. There is no sweeter retribution than a lying ex that gets fat. I thought "There is a God and He's a man!"
My mood immediately shifted. I didn't care that Poonani was invited and orbited me like a black moon for four hours. I didn't care that I had to talk about water weight and Graco car seats. I didn't even care when Fenty's Mini-me showed up because he was dating elephant thighs instead of me. I dodged a silver bullet. I always knew Kay was going to get fat, I just never thought I would realize the satisfaction so soon. I figured that was a long-term annuity that would pay off some time in the distant future like that 401(k) from my first job. It was Christmas in June.
So, when someone said "We need a forth for corn hole" and I saw Mini-me standing there I was the first one to throw my hand up and say "Yup, I'm in!" I then sauntered over to Mini-me and said "Hey, how ya doin', I'm NN!"
Now, there has been a little tension between Martin and I the past few months even though he claimed to have condoned me dating his ex. We've been cordial, but that's about it. However, a few hours after he showed up we were standing at the bar together mixing drinks when Kay came into view. She was standing there with those two mighty oaks and Martin and I sipped our drinks in silence. Then Martin turned to me and said "Hey, give me your number, I'm having a party at my house in two weeks, you should stop by." A bond had been formed. We few, we happy few, we band of brothers.
I wish I could say this was a dream, at least then I would be able to wake up and have it be over. No, this was a real-life. A nightmare unfolding before my eyes in living color. Go ahead and have a chuckle, I know I did.
This fiasco started about two months ago when Chuck told me that he was having a little party to celebrate his wife's pregnancy. I said "Like a baby shower?" Chuck was quick to say "No, not like a baby shower, it's just a BBQ at Brad's house. It's an excuse to drink his booze and mess up his house. You can even take a big deuce in his master bathroom if you want. It'll be fun.". It sounded like a baby shower to me.
A week later a pink invitation with diaper and baby bottle graphics came in the mail. At the very bottom was a website with their registry. Definitely a baby shower. I called C-Roc and said "Chuck's having a coed baby shower!" Being married with a baby and one more in the oven C-Roc said "Are you fucking kidding me, Chuck's having a 'Jack and Jill' baby shower! Jesus, I can't wait to crucify him for this." He was practically pissing himself he was laughing so hard and had to hang up because he couldn't talk.
I looked closer at the date and realized I was going on a motorcycle trip to Canada with some buddies and that I wouldn't be able to make it. Then, last week, fate took a cruel turn and our bike trip was moved. I no longer had an excuse, I had to go to the fucking baby shower.
Chuck tried to assuage my fears. He insisted it was just a BBQ. There would be none of the normal baby shower antics. No games. No opening of presents. Just beer, burgers, and maybe some corn hole. I reluctantly agreed to go.
Chuck lied like a carnival charlatan.
As soon as I pulled up to Brad's house and saw the pink decorations on his front lawn I knew I had been duped. The back yard was even worse. There were baby bottle pinatas hanging from the trees, sparkly pink table clothes, and on one long table, four naked life-sized dolls and a stack of Pampers. I assumed my spot in a lone chair next to the bar and began my IV of Captain and Cokes. As the trickle slowly numbed the pain Kay strolled in wearing a short sundress and suddenly everything in the world was right again. The decorations, the deception, I was redeemed because Kay's legs had doubled in size. Those legs should be holding up a Steinway. There is no sweeter retribution than a lying ex that gets fat. I thought "There is a God and He's a man!"
My mood immediately shifted. I didn't care that Poonani was invited and orbited me like a black moon for four hours. I didn't care that I had to talk about water weight and Graco car seats. I didn't even care when Fenty's Mini-me showed up because he was dating elephant thighs instead of me. I dodged a silver bullet. I always knew Kay was going to get fat, I just never thought I would realize the satisfaction so soon. I figured that was a long-term annuity that would pay off some time in the distant future like that 401(k) from my first job. It was Christmas in June.
So, when someone said "We need a forth for corn hole" and I saw Mini-me standing there I was the first one to throw my hand up and say "Yup, I'm in!" I then sauntered over to Mini-me and said "Hey, how ya doin', I'm NN!"
Now, there has been a little tension between Martin and I the past few months even though he claimed to have condoned me dating his ex. We've been cordial, but that's about it. However, a few hours after he showed up we were standing at the bar together mixing drinks when Kay came into view. She was standing there with those two mighty oaks and Martin and I sipped our drinks in silence. Then Martin turned to me and said "Hey, give me your number, I'm having a party at my house in two weeks, you should stop by." A bond had been formed. We few, we happy few, we band of brothers.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Summer Girlfriend Application
I developed the following test that I feel is the dating version of the Myers-Briggs. The questions may seem innocuous and the answers obvious, but each one is designed to flush out a specific desired and undesired trait. I tried to post this on craigslist but they wouldn't let me, which is a bummer because I wanted to compile the answers and share them. Feel free to pull this out and run it past some random chicks at your favorite watering hole.
Directions: Answer each question in order.
1) I am between the ages of
a. sixteen will get you twenty-five
b. 18-22
c. 23-27
d. 28-33
e. 34+
2) I would describe my body as
a. slim/slender (thin, firm)
b. athletic/toned (thin but muscular)
c. average (trim but workout very little)
d. curvy (never workout, you think you can lose a few pounds)
e. fat as fuck (as in fat as fuck)
3) I would describe myself as
a. An extrovert
b. Talkative
c. Shy
d. Deaf/Mute
4) When drinking I would most likely end the night
a. Passed out in a booth at the bar
b. Stripping on the bar
c. Vomiting under the bar
d. Fucking a random in a parking lot behind the bar
5) My best feature
a. are my teeth
b. are my breasts
c. are my legs
d. is my personality
6) My highest level of education is
a. High School
b. College graduate
c. Graduate Degree
d. Doctorate
e. None of the above. Explain ___________________________
7) Please pick which statement below does not have a spelling/grammatical error
a. I like to ski alot.
b. I will be hear all night.
c. Their going to the game tonight.
d. This candy bar costs fifty-four cents.
e. All of the above have spelling/grammatical errors
8) The dirtiest thing I've ever done is:
Please describe in 150 words or less:
9) I can recite at least one line from (circle as many as are appropriate):
a. Spies Like Us
b. Jaws
c. Old School
d. Caddy Shack
e. Star Trek
f. Wedding Crashers
g. At least one Simpson's episode
h. None of the above
10) Please rank the following activities in order of decreasing
preference. 1-4, "1" being the most preferred
a. ____ Backpack through Southeast Asia for one week
b. ____ One week stay at an all-inclusive resort in the Bahamas
c. ____ Spend a long weekend at the W Hotel in NYC
d. ____ Sail the Caribbean for a week
11) If going to the beach in the summer I would most likely wear
a. A string bikini
b. A one-piece
c. Just a bottom, no top
d. None of the above. Explain: __________________________
12) When I give head I swallow
a. TRUE
b. FALSE
13) I spend _____ per month on getting my hair cut
a. ~$140
b. <$135
c. >$145
d. ;)$150
14) The animal that I feel the strongest kinship to is
a. sugar glider
b. penguin
c. cheetah
d. spider monkey
15) I am not and never have been a man
a. TRUE
b. FALSE
16) Which of the following do you not eat (circle all that apply):
a. shellfish
b. meat
c. cheese
d. All of the above. Explain _____________________________
Directions: Answer each question in order.
1) I am between the ages of
a. sixteen will get you twenty-five
b. 18-22
c. 23-27
d. 28-33
e. 34+
2) I would describe my body as
a. slim/slender (thin, firm)
b. athletic/toned (thin but muscular)
c. average (trim but workout very little)
d. curvy (never workout, you think you can lose a few pounds)
e. fat as fuck (as in fat as fuck)
3) I would describe myself as
a. An extrovert
b. Talkative
c. Shy
d. Deaf/Mute
4) When drinking I would most likely end the night
a. Passed out in a booth at the bar
b. Stripping on the bar
c. Vomiting under the bar
d. Fucking a random in a parking lot behind the bar
5) My best feature
a. are my teeth
b. are my breasts
c. are my legs
d. is my personality
6) My highest level of education is
a. High School
b. College graduate
c. Graduate Degree
d. Doctorate
e. None of the above. Explain ___________________________
7) Please pick which statement below does not have a spelling/grammatical error
a. I like to ski alot.
b. I will be hear all night.
c. Their going to the game tonight.
d. This candy bar costs fifty-four cents.
e. All of the above have spelling/grammatical errors
8) The dirtiest thing I've ever done is:
Please describe in 150 words or less:
9) I can recite at least one line from (circle as many as are appropriate):
a. Spies Like Us
b. Jaws
c. Old School
d. Caddy Shack
e. Star Trek
f. Wedding Crashers
g. At least one Simpson's episode
h. None of the above
10) Please rank the following activities in order of decreasing
preference. 1-4, "1" being the most preferred
a. ____ Backpack through Southeast Asia for one week
b. ____ One week stay at an all-inclusive resort in the Bahamas
c. ____ Spend a long weekend at the W Hotel in NYC
d. ____ Sail the Caribbean for a week
11) If going to the beach in the summer I would most likely wear
a. A string bikini
b. A one-piece
c. Just a bottom, no top
d. None of the above. Explain: __________________________
12) When I give head I swallow
a. TRUE
b. FALSE
13) I spend _____ per month on getting my hair cut
a. ~$140
b. <$135
c. >$145
d. ;)$150
14) The animal that I feel the strongest kinship to is
a. sugar glider
b. penguin
c. cheetah
d. spider monkey
15) I am not and never have been a man
a. TRUE
b. FALSE
16) Which of the following do you not eat (circle all that apply):
a. shellfish
b. meat
c. cheese
d. All of the above. Explain _____________________________
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
The Fleckeri Effect
Chironex Fleckeri, commonly known as the sea wasp or box jellyfish, is a rare species of jellyfish found in a small section of the world's oceans and is considered by experts to be the most poisonous creature on Earth. The venom found in the tentacles of just one box jellyfish are thousands of times more lethal than a cobra or tarantula and have enough toxins to kill 60 humans. There are a large concentration of attacks in Australian waters and one clever Aussie lifeguard noted that attacks occurred almost exclusively on the 8th and 9th days after a spring full moon. Marine biologists used this information and determined that a combination of tides and moon phase were just right several days after the full moon to draw the box jellyfish from the depths of the sea towards shore to mate. Weak from sex the male and female fleckeri are then carried to the beach by the waxing tide where they die. It is during this phase of the box jellyfish's short life cycle that most humans are stung.
Those of you still reading are undoubtedly wondering what the holy hell this has to do with anything. The one hundred and seventy word bio lesson above is an example of how sometimes the stars and planets align and for reasons we can't or don't want to explain shit happens. Birds fly south for the winter, salmon swim upstream, box jellyfish fuck after a full moon, and yes, even a blind hog stumbles across and acorn now and again. Factors generally conspire to kick us in the ass, but every once in a while they cut us a break and actually help us. This is the case on Saturday night when I was out with Andy and two girls fell into our laps.
Andy and I had plans to meet out Saturday night, but I went out Friday and got pretty banged up so my motivation was almost nill. He tried to coerce me to meet him out in some shithole section of Maryland but I wasn't having it. We agreed to meet up in Dupont at 10pm, which was about an hour from then.
I was committed to going out but my heart still wasn't in it. I took a shower and got in my car to drive to Union Station to catch the Metro. Two blocks from my house I reached into my pocket for my phone and it wasn't there, I had left it on my kitchen counter. FUCK!. I turned around, retrieved my phone and was just about at Union Station again when I caught a whiff of BO. I thought "why do I smell bad?", then it occurred to me that in my haste to leave the house I forgot to put on deodorant. FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! I yanked the wheel around and headed home.
At this point it was about 90-10 that I was going home and staying there. I parked my car in the driveway and pondered the options. I was officially late, in a bad mood, I was sweating like James Gandolfini and smelled like BO. I walked inside, put on deodorant and a squirt of cologne then stood in my foyer like a dope for a second before yelling "FUCKITI"LLGO!!!!!" I grabbed a helmet and the Harley keys and left. It was 9:56pm.
I had recommended meeting up at The Big Hunt but in my mind I was really thinking Lucky Bar. They are both shithole dives so I understand how I confused the two. When I pulled up in front of Lucky Bar I realized A) This wasn't the bar I meant and B) I didn't actually know where The Big Hunt was. After getting directions from two teenage girls in exceedingly short skirts I arrived at The Big Hunt. I parked in front and headed for the door just as Andy rounded the corner. The timing was perfect. We talked for a second then I turned and pushed the front door to enter the bar. The door was "stuck" and by stuck I mean it opened outward, not in. I pushed against the door for a few seconds before I realized what was up, and by then there were two girls behind me laughing a little. I took a step back, grabbed the handle, opened the door for the girls and said "This is one of those fancy doors you pull to open" and let them in.
Andy and I ordered drinks then went up to the deck on the roof. Five minutes later the two girls from the front door arrived and sat at a picnic table behind us. There was room at the girls' table so Andy and I sat and joined them. We learned that one girl had just moved here from North Carolina and the other was visiting from Wilmington for the weekend.
The brunette lived in College Park. She was 26, about 5'5", with a really nice body. She was outgoing and funny but she wasn't really my type in the looks department. The blond was the one that lived in Wilmington. The "tale of the tape" was almost identical as the brunette except that her chest was a little bigger, her face a little prettier, but she was quiet bordering on shy. Let's keep it simple and go with Brunette and Blond for names. Oh, and how could I forget...they were both marine biologists. Coincidence? I don't think so. I recently (three hours before) became an expert on box jellyfish and thus had lots to talk about. Plus, I recently read a book called Bottom Feeder about sustainable fishing, so I blew their minds a couple of times with ridiculous factoids about oyster beds and salinity levels in brackish water.
Brunette wanted to know what other bars in the area were fun, so Andy, in an uncharacteristically bold move offered our services as personal bar escorts for the evening. After two more drinks the girls agreed. Our next stop was Cafe Citron where we were the only non-Latinos in the whole bar. We stayed for one beer then decided to head to the polar opposite end of the ethnic spectrum: Russia House. These two bars are about ten blocks from each other. Andy, for some reason, insisted it was not walkable and hailed us a cab. About four seconds and $8 later we arrived at Russia House.
As is usually the case at this bar the girls went from semi-tipsy to totally hammered after one giant vodka cocktail.
It is here that I need to take a time-out and explain the crux facing Andy and I. At this point we are both struggling with the dilemma of "who takes which girl". Neither girl is giving us any direction one way or the other. They are both being equally friendly and flirty to each of us. Both girls were touching my arm and back when we talked, leaning into me a little, they weren't helping at all. I can't say for sure what was going through Andy's mind, but I was trying to figure out which girl was single and willing to sleep with me that night. There were very important decisions to be made in the next hour or so, decisions that would have a major impact on the course my evening.
To give our chances a slight nudge in the right direction I blurted out "Saint Ex" like some sort of bar-tourette-syndrome-savant. Andy was like "OoooKaaay, do you girls want to go to a bar called Saint Ex?" I continued "They play 80's glam rock in the basement. It's so hot you'll sweat through all your clothes, but it's the best bar in DC". I really wasn't that drunk, I only had a few drinks. NN The Idiot Boy had just jumped in there for a second to throw in his two cents, then I returned.
The girls agreed so we headed outside to catch a cab. By now it was after 1am and we knew that the girls had taken the Metro from College Park. As we walked out behind the girls Andy turned to me and quietly said "We just gotta make it to 2:01am", which was when the Metro stopped running.
Saint Ex was packed. We grabbed four beers then went downstairs where it must have been 103 degrees and 98% humidity. I sweat through my shirt before I reached the bottom step. Bon Jovi Living on a prayer was blaring from the speakers while guys faked guitar solos. I don't know what it is about that song but it turns guys into retards and girls into sex junkies. I handed Brunette a beer and she thanked me by jamming her tongue down my throat. The choice is made! (says Gozar)
At 2:15am we were kicked out of the bar and hailed a cab to my house for "drinks and a dip in the hot tub". We had a couple of beers each on my back deck before Brunette and I headed out to the tub. I stripped and jumped into the tub. In one fluid motion Brunette pulled her sun dress over her head and revealed that she had nothing underneath it. Andy and Blond said they would be right down but we never saw them again.
After the tub we went to my room where we had sweaty, no holds barred, rough sex before passing out in a tangle of sheets and limbs. I woke up in the middle of the night having sex again. I don't know if I initiated it or she did. All I recell is her riding on top of me vigorously rubbing her clit then screaming "I'm coming!". I also vaguely recall ripping a condom off and coming in her mouth. All of these images, by the way, are mental versions of underdeveloped Polaroid pictures. Yellow-blue-red streaks of motionless color and three second sound bites.
In the morning I woke up early and found Andy sleeping on a chair in my living room and Blond in the fetal position on the couch. We were all still a little tipsy. Eventually everyone left and I crashed on the couch for most of the day. Later that night I went outside and found a watch, a necklace and a bunch of silver earrings and bracelets on a table next to the hot tub. Brunette had left behind a few trinkets like Madonna.
Those of you still reading are undoubtedly wondering what the holy hell this has to do with anything. The one hundred and seventy word bio lesson above is an example of how sometimes the stars and planets align and for reasons we can't or don't want to explain shit happens. Birds fly south for the winter, salmon swim upstream, box jellyfish fuck after a full moon, and yes, even a blind hog stumbles across and acorn now and again. Factors generally conspire to kick us in the ass, but every once in a while they cut us a break and actually help us. This is the case on Saturday night when I was out with Andy and two girls fell into our laps.
Andy and I had plans to meet out Saturday night, but I went out Friday and got pretty banged up so my motivation was almost nill. He tried to coerce me to meet him out in some shithole section of Maryland but I wasn't having it. We agreed to meet up in Dupont at 10pm, which was about an hour from then.
I was committed to going out but my heart still wasn't in it. I took a shower and got in my car to drive to Union Station to catch the Metro. Two blocks from my house I reached into my pocket for my phone and it wasn't there, I had left it on my kitchen counter. FUCK!. I turned around, retrieved my phone and was just about at Union Station again when I caught a whiff of BO. I thought "why do I smell bad?", then it occurred to me that in my haste to leave the house I forgot to put on deodorant. FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! I yanked the wheel around and headed home.
At this point it was about 90-10 that I was going home and staying there. I parked my car in the driveway and pondered the options. I was officially late, in a bad mood, I was sweating like James Gandolfini and smelled like BO. I walked inside, put on deodorant and a squirt of cologne then stood in my foyer like a dope for a second before yelling "FUCKITI"LLGO!!!!!" I grabbed a helmet and the Harley keys and left. It was 9:56pm.
I had recommended meeting up at The Big Hunt but in my mind I was really thinking Lucky Bar. They are both shithole dives so I understand how I confused the two. When I pulled up in front of Lucky Bar I realized A) This wasn't the bar I meant and B) I didn't actually know where The Big Hunt was. After getting directions from two teenage girls in exceedingly short skirts I arrived at The Big Hunt. I parked in front and headed for the door just as Andy rounded the corner. The timing was perfect. We talked for a second then I turned and pushed the front door to enter the bar. The door was "stuck" and by stuck I mean it opened outward, not in. I pushed against the door for a few seconds before I realized what was up, and by then there were two girls behind me laughing a little. I took a step back, grabbed the handle, opened the door for the girls and said "This is one of those fancy doors you pull to open" and let them in.
Andy and I ordered drinks then went up to the deck on the roof. Five minutes later the two girls from the front door arrived and sat at a picnic table behind us. There was room at the girls' table so Andy and I sat and joined them. We learned that one girl had just moved here from North Carolina and the other was visiting from Wilmington for the weekend.
The brunette lived in College Park. She was 26, about 5'5", with a really nice body. She was outgoing and funny but she wasn't really my type in the looks department. The blond was the one that lived in Wilmington. The "tale of the tape" was almost identical as the brunette except that her chest was a little bigger, her face a little prettier, but she was quiet bordering on shy. Let's keep it simple and go with Brunette and Blond for names. Oh, and how could I forget...they were both marine biologists. Coincidence? I don't think so. I recently (three hours before) became an expert on box jellyfish and thus had lots to talk about. Plus, I recently read a book called Bottom Feeder about sustainable fishing, so I blew their minds a couple of times with ridiculous factoids about oyster beds and salinity levels in brackish water.
Brunette wanted to know what other bars in the area were fun, so Andy, in an uncharacteristically bold move offered our services as personal bar escorts for the evening. After two more drinks the girls agreed. Our next stop was Cafe Citron where we were the only non-Latinos in the whole bar. We stayed for one beer then decided to head to the polar opposite end of the ethnic spectrum: Russia House. These two bars are about ten blocks from each other. Andy, for some reason, insisted it was not walkable and hailed us a cab. About four seconds and $8 later we arrived at Russia House.
As is usually the case at this bar the girls went from semi-tipsy to totally hammered after one giant vodka cocktail.
It is here that I need to take a time-out and explain the crux facing Andy and I. At this point we are both struggling with the dilemma of "who takes which girl". Neither girl is giving us any direction one way or the other. They are both being equally friendly and flirty to each of us. Both girls were touching my arm and back when we talked, leaning into me a little, they weren't helping at all. I can't say for sure what was going through Andy's mind, but I was trying to figure out which girl was single and willing to sleep with me that night. There were very important decisions to be made in the next hour or so, decisions that would have a major impact on the course my evening.
To give our chances a slight nudge in the right direction I blurted out "Saint Ex" like some sort of bar-tourette-syndrome-savant. Andy was like "OoooKaaay, do you girls want to go to a bar called Saint Ex?" I continued "They play 80's glam rock in the basement. It's so hot you'll sweat through all your clothes, but it's the best bar in DC". I really wasn't that drunk, I only had a few drinks. NN The Idiot Boy had just jumped in there for a second to throw in his two cents, then I returned.
The girls agreed so we headed outside to catch a cab. By now it was after 1am and we knew that the girls had taken the Metro from College Park. As we walked out behind the girls Andy turned to me and quietly said "We just gotta make it to 2:01am", which was when the Metro stopped running.
Saint Ex was packed. We grabbed four beers then went downstairs where it must have been 103 degrees and 98% humidity. I sweat through my shirt before I reached the bottom step. Bon Jovi Living on a prayer was blaring from the speakers while guys faked guitar solos. I don't know what it is about that song but it turns guys into retards and girls into sex junkies. I handed Brunette a beer and she thanked me by jamming her tongue down my throat. The choice is made! (says Gozar)
At 2:15am we were kicked out of the bar and hailed a cab to my house for "drinks and a dip in the hot tub". We had a couple of beers each on my back deck before Brunette and I headed out to the tub. I stripped and jumped into the tub. In one fluid motion Brunette pulled her sun dress over her head and revealed that she had nothing underneath it. Andy and Blond said they would be right down but we never saw them again.
After the tub we went to my room where we had sweaty, no holds barred, rough sex before passing out in a tangle of sheets and limbs. I woke up in the middle of the night having sex again. I don't know if I initiated it or she did. All I recell is her riding on top of me vigorously rubbing her clit then screaming "I'm coming!". I also vaguely recall ripping a condom off and coming in her mouth. All of these images, by the way, are mental versions of underdeveloped Polaroid pictures. Yellow-blue-red streaks of motionless color and three second sound bites.
In the morning I woke up early and found Andy sleeping on a chair in my living room and Blond in the fetal position on the couch. We were all still a little tipsy. Eventually everyone left and I crashed on the couch for most of the day. Later that night I went outside and found a watch, a necklace and a bunch of silver earrings and bracelets on a table next to the hot tub. Brunette had left behind a few trinkets like Madonna.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Smelly Pussy Revenge
I went over Tiny's house for dinner last night. She's a decent little cook and I'm always down for a good meal, so I picked up some beer and went over when I finished work. After dinner we hung out for a while then headed up to her room where I was accosted by the most offensive odor this side of a rotting carcass.
Allow me to set the scene. We got up to Tiny's room. I brushed my teeth while she changed into a sexy little outfit and turned down the lights. I stripped down and get into bed. After Tiny brushed her teeth she climbed into bed and on top of me. We fooled around a bit then I rolled her over and worked my way down and slid off her underwear. She still has that giant bush, but I guess I've gotten somewhat used to that. I did make a mental note of it, though, as I parted it and got to work. It was here that I was hit, yes physically struck, by a truly offensive stench. Odors are difficult to convey in writing but let me try to illustrate with an example.
First, put on a fresh pair of socks and sneakers and run a marathon. Now take one sock that you just ran in, put three heads of garlic in it and jam it into your armpit. Wrap some duct tape around it to make it airtight and leave it there. A week later cut back the tape, remove the dirty, sweaty, garlic, marathon sock from your rancid armpit and shove it up your asshole. Let the dirty, sweaty, rancid, garlic, marathon sock marinade in your feces until you can't hold it in any longer then crap it out into ground. Leave the dirty, sweaty, rancid, garlic, marathon fecal sock to fester in the hot sun for a day.
If some chick taped this sock to her crotch then allowed you to go down on her you would have a rough approximation of what I encountered last night. I am actually fighting back dry heaves even as I write this now, twelve hours later.
I had a couple of fingers inside Tiny by the time I realized I wasn't going to be able to continue down there, so I quickly retreated to the relative safety of her head. On my way up I began to resent her for not taking a shower before I arrived. She clearly had been in those clothes at work all day, taken a messy shit at some point, then rushed home to cook dinner. Who knows, maybe she even got a jog in at some point. All I know is that she should not have, under any circumstances, allowed me to put my face within three feet of her pussy. When I finally reached Tiny's head I was pretty bitter so I took my two smelly fingers and rubbed them on her cheek. She didn't react much to it so a few minutes later, as I slid into her, I put the two fingers in her mouth.
What's fair is fair.
Allow me to set the scene. We got up to Tiny's room. I brushed my teeth while she changed into a sexy little outfit and turned down the lights. I stripped down and get into bed. After Tiny brushed her teeth she climbed into bed and on top of me. We fooled around a bit then I rolled her over and worked my way down and slid off her underwear. She still has that giant bush, but I guess I've gotten somewhat used to that. I did make a mental note of it, though, as I parted it and got to work. It was here that I was hit, yes physically struck, by a truly offensive stench. Odors are difficult to convey in writing but let me try to illustrate with an example.
First, put on a fresh pair of socks and sneakers and run a marathon. Now take one sock that you just ran in, put three heads of garlic in it and jam it into your armpit. Wrap some duct tape around it to make it airtight and leave it there. A week later cut back the tape, remove the dirty, sweaty, garlic, marathon sock from your rancid armpit and shove it up your asshole. Let the dirty, sweaty, rancid, garlic, marathon sock marinade in your feces until you can't hold it in any longer then crap it out into ground. Leave the dirty, sweaty, rancid, garlic, marathon fecal sock to fester in the hot sun for a day.
If some chick taped this sock to her crotch then allowed you to go down on her you would have a rough approximation of what I encountered last night. I am actually fighting back dry heaves even as I write this now, twelve hours later.
I had a couple of fingers inside Tiny by the time I realized I wasn't going to be able to continue down there, so I quickly retreated to the relative safety of her head. On my way up I began to resent her for not taking a shower before I arrived. She clearly had been in those clothes at work all day, taken a messy shit at some point, then rushed home to cook dinner. Who knows, maybe she even got a jog in at some point. All I know is that she should not have, under any circumstances, allowed me to put my face within three feet of her pussy. When I finally reached Tiny's head I was pretty bitter so I took my two smelly fingers and rubbed them on her cheek. She didn't react much to it so a few minutes later, as I slid into her, I put the two fingers in her mouth.
What's fair is fair.
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