Clean Break

I made a clean break with Tiny last night. It went fairly well, or at least as well as that sort of thing can go. I chose to do it over the phone. Cowardly? Perhaps, but I decided it would be easier and/or best that way. We talked for around a half hour and essentially agreed that we had different long-term goals in life and it would be best if we ended things now. Just before we hung up Tiny said "I hope you find what you're looking for.", which I didn't didn't know how to respond to. After a pause I said something like "Um, thanks, you too." and that was it.

So now I'm single with virtually no prospects, which wasn't much of a plan.

Heroine Relapse

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I'm not sure how to answer that...

I'm not normally one to go to a coffee shop to read or do work, but I finished up some appointments early yesterday and decided to stop at a place called Jacob's on 8th Street to get an iced coffee and read before heading home.

I don't like to sit with my back facing a door so I found a seat in the corner of the shop facing the front window and entrance. I had been reading for a while when I spotted this blond girl across the street walking towards Jacob's. She was very beautiful, but what was most striking about her was that she was not dressed for "5pm, Thursday afternoon, coffee at Jacob's". She had on skin tight black pants, 4" black high heels and a low cut shirt. She had long blond hair with big loopy curls, and a fair amount of make-up on (a little too much). Basically, she looked like she was going out to a club.

Blondie opened the front door, took two steps in then came to a dead stop. She made half an attempt at backing out before an older gentleman sitting at table looked up and said her name. There was a long, awkward pause then she said "Heeyyyy, how are youuuuuu?" Blondie was still standing in the doorway holding the door open but the old guy stood up and was waiting for a hug or a kiss or some sort of greeting. Old Guy said "I'm great. Small world, what are you doing here?" Blondie let the door close behind her but didn't walk in any further. She said "I just drove into DC, and you?" Old Guy said he had just finished something or other (I think he said "class") and stopped in for a coffee.

At this point the only reason I am semi paying attention to the conversation is because the girl is extremely good looking. I was glancing up as often as I could and at some level listening to their conversation because, well, it was awkward and I love awkward interactions.

Anyway, Old Guy said "I thought you were in school?" and Blondie said she still was and studying journalism and then threw in a couple of non sequitur fillers: "blah blah blah, traffic was bad, blah blah blah, I get into the city once a week". Then, after all this she finally decided to walk in and give the guy a hug. Oh man, so fucking awkward. It was one of those "walk up, bend at the waist, stick your ass way out, pat on the back, I don't want to hug this person" hugs. As soon as it was over she took two steps back. Old Guy then asked "So, if you're in school what are you doing here?"

Yes, exactly what I had been thinking!

Blondie tilted her head slightly, looked at the ceiling, waited a full four seconds then said "Hmmm, I'm kind of working."

Working? Working how? Is she fucking hooking? I wanted to run over and introduce myself so I could join in the discussion.

Old Guy said "Working, what are you doing?" Blondie again took forever before saying "How can I explain this...." trailing off at the end.

Fuck my book. Please, sweetheart, tell us, what kind of work could you be doing here in DC on a Thursday night dressed like that? Old Guy and I are on the edge of our seats!

Old Guy said "Oh, you must be meeting an ex boyfriend, is that it?"

There you go, honey, that's an easy out for you, take it and run. All she had to do was agree, say "nice to see you" get a coffee and get the hell out of there. It could have been so easy, but luckily for me she let this debilitating seen continue.

Blondie said "No, no, that's not it.... How can I explain this...?" Old Guy said "Do your parents know where you are?"

What? That's a great question! I didn't think this scene could get any more uncomfortable. The old bastard knows her parents? Holy shit, she's fucking screwed. I wasn't even pretending to read anymore. I set the book on my lap, kicked my feet up on the table and gave them my undivided attention.

Stammering now and fidgeting with the zipper on the back of her pants (that, by the way, barely covered her perfect ass) Blondie said "Oh, sure. I'm trying to think how I can explain the work to you..."

I laughed out loud. Why are you saying you're working! Just fucking drop it already. There's no good way to explain to your parents' friend that you're supporting your coke habit by doing anal porn in DC. I can't believe you don't have a cover story. Any cover story! You're meeting friends. You have a date. An interview. Come on, you can't think of anything? No wonder your selling her body, there's no goddamn way you're going to get a college degree, you're dumb as a post.

Old Guy was visibly uncomfortable with the whole exchange at this point and really just wanted it to end. He said "Should I just stop asking you questions now?"

No, please God, no!

But Blondie was too stupid to let it go. She tried to come up with a plausible explanation for what she was doing in DC dressed like a stripper instead of at the library at her community college, but there obviously wasn't a single thought running through that beautiful head of hers. She just kept saying "No, I'm just trying to think of a way to explain it. How can I explain it?" over and over.

At last Blondie's phone rang. She answered it and said "Oh, OK, you're here?" She looked out the window and said "No, but I'll find you. See you soon. Bye."

I practically jumped out of my seat to see if Ron Jeremy was waiting out front.

Blondie put her phone away and said to the now completely stupefied Old Guy "Ok, I have to run, great to see you though!" Old Guy, in fatherly protective mode, looked as if he was going to follow her outside for a second then thought better of it and sat back back down.

I tried to see where Blondie went but she turned a corner and went out of site.

So, let's list all the possible explanations for what a young beautiful college student from outside DC could be doing in the city "working" at 5pm on a Thursday afternoon. We know she's a journalism student, meeting someone (male, I could hear his voice when she answered the phone) at a coffee shop who didn't actually come into the shop, and was she dressed...seductively.

a)Escort
b)Prostitute
c)Selling drugs
d)Buying Drugs
e)Porn
f)Modeling (read with sarcastic snicker)

Life is amusing.

On another front, a few minutes ago I rounded the corner on the way to the men's room and saw two LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGG legs walking down the hallway. They were on 5" heels and led up to a very short skirt. When I finally worked my way up to the body they were attached to I realized they belonged to Trouble. I'm going to put on the full court press next week to get drinks with her. The problem is that I never see her in the office, I just don't have any interaction with her.

The Dating Pyramid

I have a theory that the dating universe is comprised of a multi-tiered pyramid in which only lateral or downward dating is permitted.

The pyramid has three main levels. The top is filled with A-list celebrities: movie stars, authors, super models, rock stars and professional athletes. The next level are the ultra-wealthy and B-list celebrities. The third tier is the largest and is basically everyone that doesn't fit into the first two levels.

In the first level everyone is equal and are free to intermingle. The same applies to the second level, everyone has equal standing within the herd. The third tier, though, is the most complex and is made up of infinite sub-classes based on education, looks and wealth.

Here's the kicker. Once you are established in a level of the pyramid you cannot move up and date someone above you unless they are the pursuer. You can date laterally within your level or a person in a higher tier can reach down and pull you up to their level. However, it is not possible to reach up and pull someone down. Also, if you break up with the person in the higher level, regardless of who initiates is, you automatically and immediately drop to your original tier. It's the classic Cinderella/Pretty Woman scenario.

A real life example would be Jerry Seinfeld and his wife Jessica Sklar. Jerry clearly spotted her, was enamored, pursued and landed her. It's not like Jessica was sitting around her studio apartment in New York City one night watching Seinfeld and said "Hey, Jerry is kind of hot, I should give him a call tomorrow afternoon and see if he would like to go to Nobu Friday night". No fucking chance. She was a married tier-three no one from east butt-fuck Vermont running on a treadmill when Jerry reached down and pulled her up into his world. It cannot happen in the other direction, nature and society won't allow it.

Here is an example from my life.

One afternoon I was waiting for the Metro and sensed eyes burning a hole in my back. I looked around and spotted a massively overweight girl batting her eyelashes at me. Aside from being slovenly, she was dressed in all black and had big steel barbell going through the bridge of her nose. When the train came I tried to evade her by getting on another car but she followed me. On the train I avoided eye contact at all costs and focused on reading my newspaper. Hippo Girl was undeterred and eventually struck up a conversation about whatever was on the back side of the page I was reading. I made it clear I had no interest in talking to her and politely went back to my reading. I remember thinking to myself "Does she really think there is a chance we would ever get together?" She is clearly trying to pull off the impossible and reach up about four tiers and drag me down to the basement. Delusions and confidence are not the same thing, sweetheart.

Ironically, that same afternoon I was riding the Metro back to my office after the appointment when I spotted this unbelievable looking brunette sitting in my train. She was tall, had a great body, was really well dressed, dark complexion. I was feeling pretty confident that day. I had just closed a big deal and was dressed in my best suit. We made eye contact a couple of times until she finally pulled out her Blackberry and pretended to be busy checking emails. I made eye contact one last time and she made a face that could only be described as exasperation and pity. She did that thing girls do where they blink but hold their eyes shut for an extra second, hoping the guy will be gone when the open their eyes back up. Then it struck me, she was in a tier above me. I was like the goth hippo chick reaching up in a futile attempt to score someone above my level.

I honestly wish that none of this is true. I would like to believe that we are all human beings and equal. But I would also like to believe that a fat man in a red suit delivers presents to all the children of the world on one night in December. But as we all know both of those are fairy tales. Wish in one hand, my friends, and shit in the other, then see which one fills up first.

Scuttle The Ship

I am slowly yet deliberately winding things down with Tiny. Between the abortion and the fact that I have a lot of respect for her, I feel that the situation requires more tact that I generally am apt to devote to a breakup.

Most of my break ups are like scuttling a ship. I just make a few precision comments, and like holes in a hull that sucker goes strait to the bottom of the ocean. The process with Tiny is more like decommissioning an aircraft carrier. I'm doing my best to take it apart slowly and then just let it slip below the surface of the water with dignity. It's more difficult than it sounds, though.

To complicate things there is still the matter of the money I "owe" her, my half of the abortion fee. I've owed people money for lots of things: motorycles, rent, drugs, hell, even guns, but I can honestly say I've never owed on an abortion. Tiny never told me what the amount was so I haven't been able to reimburse her. The money isn't the issue, it is how to bring up the subject and ask the amount. What do you do, just say "So, what do I owe you for the abortion" and pull out your wallet? It's not like we're splitting a dinner check. The more I thought about it the more I dreaded the moment and procrastinated. I tried to think of the most tactful way to bring it up but the time never seemed right. Then I started to think of how I should pay her. Is cash more or less disrespectful than a check? If it's, say, $400, and I pay cash, are four $100 bills better than twenty $20 bills? If I write a check what do I put in the "For" line? All these things stress me out.

Bear. Tenant. Sears.

Here are three things impacting my life at the moment: I almost get arrested at Sears yesterday afternoon over an air conditioning unit. Tenant is blowing me off. Bear wants to "show me pictures from her vacation" at her place tonight.

Sears:

Monday night my super-hot blond tenant called me and said her AC unit died. I told her I would replace it ASAP. Turns out that was a little harder than I thought since it's almost fall and stores aren't stocking air conditioning units anymore. I called around to almost every store within 35 miles and all I could find were huge units, ones far too big for a little bedroom.

Finally, yesterday afternoon I found a Sears in Maryland that claimed to have three units in stock that were the correct size and only $150. I told the rep on the phone "OK, great, I'll take one, let me pay over the phone and set it aside for me". The reps response was "I can't do that", which is total bullshit. That just means he doesn't want to do that, he's a lazy fuck and wants to get back to sitting on his ass or walking around the store pretending to be busy. I said "Well, then can you set one aside from me and I'll come there right now and get it". He said "We got three of them, they aren't goin' anywhere, I don't need to set it aside for you, just come down." I had a bad feeling about this but immediately got in the car and drove the thirty minutes to the store.

When I arrived there was one person working the whole floor of Sears. One person covering like 50,000 square feet! I waited ten minutes for him to finish up with two other customers then said "Hi, I called earlier about the AC units", and he brought me over to an area that had five boxes sitting on the floor next to a display. He said "This is all we got left". All the units were huge and cost $400-600. I said "But when I talked to you on the phone you said you had three of the 5200btu units left, these are all 12,000btu's, they are way too big for a bedroom. What happened to the others? I drove thirty minutes to get one and now they are all gone?" I was beginning to unravel. He said "Well, the computer said we had three in, but it was wrong." Fair enough, I can see how that can happen. Would it have fucking killed him to look and see what they had? No, but I said "OK, you have the display, I guess I'll have to take that one then." The prick immediately got defensive and said "Nope, we can't sell the displays."

And-I-snapped. I said "Let's go through the again. You told me you had three, which you didn't. Then had me drive all the way out to Maryland for nothing. Now that I'm here, and you actually do have one in stock, you won't sell it to me?" He said "That's right, because it's a display." I said "So Sears is in the displaying business, not the selling business? Go get a manager, anyone with authority to sell this." The dude left and I heard him say over the loudspeaker "We have a code two in appliances." Great, now I am a code two. I was expecting tear gas canisters to come blasting through the windows at any second. A minute later a young woman walked into the area and asked the dude where the code two was, and he pointed at me. She walked over and said "Is there a problem, sir?" I said "No, I don't think so. I'm here to purchase this air conditioner." She said "I'm sorry, but we're all sold out".

Lest you think I'm dense, I understand that stores don't usually sell the displays for a variety of reasons. However, given the circumstances you would think that someone would try to locate me one at another store, or cut me a deal on a larger unit, or try to fix the situation in some way. You know, use a little salesmanship. I'm a ready willing and able buyer, and Sears is presumably in business to sell merchandise and turn a profit, so let's make a fucking deal here.

Home renovations, abortions, traffic jams, ambulance sirens, cabbies that can't speak English, every aggravating thing that I've been suppressing in my life for the past month now boiled to the surface in one ugly black moment. I snapped. I pulled out my wallet, handed the girl my credit card and started unplugging the AC unit from the display. I said "Here's my credit card. I'm taking this unit. I'm willing to pay you full price for it, and you can either charge me or not. I don't care either way, but for the record I'm not stealing it." I wrapped the cord around the front of the unit, gathered the remote control that was on top and was about to lift it up when she said "I can see you need to speak to a supervisor" and jogged away.

Literally five seconds later another woman came out of the back room. She asked the original salesman what the problem was and he explained how ridiculous it was that I might actually want to purchase something from the store. He was actually mad at me. I don't know what the supervisor thought, but she looked at the salesman, and the girl and I and said "So sell it to him!"

Done. Sold. NN is a happy customer. I'm I the crazy one here?

Tenant:
Tenant is blowing me off and I'm not happy about it. I talked to her Monday and she said she had a hectic week and couldn't get together. I was the bigger person last week and reached out to her. I feel like I clearly expressed I was interested, then reaffirmed it this week. I'm not called or texting her again. If she wants to get together she knows how to reach me.

Bear:
What's with this girl? She sent me a text and wants to get together tonight so I can see pictures from her vacation.

I need some new prospects.