I was having such a good morning...then I decided to get breakfast.
The day started off great. I rolled over and got laid. I drove home and had a huge cup of freshly made coffee. I strolled into work at a leisurely 8:30am, had a short conference call, then ran to the deli downstairs and grab an egg sandwich.
How could something so simple become such a goat-fuck?
This just happened so it's still fresh in my head. Please tell me if I'm being unreasonable. The conversation at the deli with the clerk went like this:
NN: Morning, bacon egg and cheese on wheat. Two eggs please.
Register Lady [speaking aloud in heavily accented English, my guess is that she was African]: Special number two, two eggs, two cheese, wheat, has browns...ummmmmm. OK $9.37.
NN: Nine thirty-seven for an egg sandwich, no, try again.
RL: Yes, special number two...
NN: I didn't get a special number two. I don't want eggs and hash browns, and pancakes, and all that. Just egg sandwich with an extra egg.
RL: OK
Register Lady then cancels out her last sale item by item and rings me up again.
RL: OK. -$7.23, -$1.07, -$1.07. $1.85, $1.85, $.60, $.60, $6.99. OK, $11.89. [please imagine having to sit and watch this]
NN: I wasn't going to pay nine bucks for an egg sandwich, what makes you think I'm going to pay eleven? It's not reasonable. Just an egg and cheese, but with two eggs. I can't be the first person to order this?
I should point out that the cook, who I know because I go in the goddamn place every week, has overheard this whole aggravating exchange and has already made my sandwich, placed it in a bag and handed it to me.
RL: You want special sandwich.
NN: I want an egg and cheese, but with an extra egg. That's all.
The cook starts to laugh.
RL: Yes, $11.89.
NN: Lady, you're infuriating me. Look at the menu, bacon egg and cheese, $4. Add an extra egg to that and I'll be on my way.
RL: No, see, $1.85, $1.85, $.60...
NN: I don't know what those numbers mean, stop saying that. Here's six bucks, take it or I'm leaving.
Here's the real problem. Someone took the time to open that deli then left their business in the hands of an imbecile, someone incapable of free thought and that is going to be the demise of the place.
After I offered the six dollars she cancels out the last transaction and starts over. Again. Using her imaginary formulas she comes up with eight dollars and something, I don't remember the exact number because I was talking myself out of doing her bodily harm, but it was close to nine bucks. I pulled out a twenty, placed it on the counter, slid it to her, and laughed. I had to laugh, the fucking joke was on me, she won, I was paying almost nine dollars for a take-out egg sandwich.
I hope this isn't an indication of how the rest of my day will be.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Monday, November 28, 2011
Halloween, Speeding Ticket, and NYE
I've been hanging out with Halloween for about 4 weeks now, and things are going so well that I really don't have much to write about. She's fun, hot, easy going, and a champ in bed. I'm pretty content.
My plans of going to Key West for a month sank due to two construction projects that were supposed to take place in December/January that have been moved to February/March. I was pretty bummed about this until last Friday when Uncle Charlie emailed me and said he was planning a NYE trip to St. Martin and asked if I wanted to join. All he told me was that he had a house picked out on the beach and that our buddy Chavez and two chicks were going (I know one of the girls, she's a lot of fun). I said sure and booked a flight the next morning. The house is expensive, but I have a ton of sky miles, so my flight to Puerto Rico is free, and we're taking Air Uncle Charlie from PR to Saint Martin. Should be a good time.
I've already ranted about how much I hate getting mail. Anything important like bank statements come to me via email, and my utilities and cell bill are on autopay, so the bulk of my house mail is credit card applications and other junk. Last night I received another reason to hate the mail in the form of a DC camera speeding ticket - 39mph in a 25mph zone; fine $125. Motherfucking DC.
I deserve the ticket and frankly am surprised I haven't gotten one sooner. But what really chaps my ass is where I got the ticket. The camera is located on the 1100 block of Bladensburg Rd in NE, which for those of you not familiar with the city, is probably the single most useless stretch of urban blight on the eastern seaboard of the United States. I firmly believe that everything and everyone on Bladensburg Rd from H Street to New York Avenue should be carpet bombed with incendiary rounds, bull dozed under, then bombed again to make sure nothing survived. It's three miles of pimps, addicts, and stores selling single cans of malt liquor. I'm probably the only person driving through that area whose license plate is actually registered to the vehicle it's on.
The city just re-did the entire road. They put in a fancy median with granite curbs, planted sod and trees in the middle, then repaved the whole road and put in about thirty crosswalks so the crack heads could cross the street to buy drugs without getting hit by the cars they are too stoned to see. I'm glad that I could help fund this rahab project that is benefiting so many law abiding, tax paying, citizens.
Believe, me, I would avoid the area like grim death if I could, but it's the fastest way to get in Route 50 from my house.
The city makes a killing on those cameras because it's nearly impossible to fight them. They have pictures of your car from three different angles and a close up of your plate, there's not much to argue. You're fucked. I thought it would be great to screw the city out of a whole day's worth of revenue from the camera by hiring a day laborer to stand at the camera with a "Slow Down! Speeding Camera Here!" sign.
When I get home tonight I'm going to take a steel wool pad to my license plate so I never get another one of these.
My plans of going to Key West for a month sank due to two construction projects that were supposed to take place in December/January that have been moved to February/March. I was pretty bummed about this until last Friday when Uncle Charlie emailed me and said he was planning a NYE trip to St. Martin and asked if I wanted to join. All he told me was that he had a house picked out on the beach and that our buddy Chavez and two chicks were going (I know one of the girls, she's a lot of fun). I said sure and booked a flight the next morning. The house is expensive, but I have a ton of sky miles, so my flight to Puerto Rico is free, and we're taking Air Uncle Charlie from PR to Saint Martin. Should be a good time.
I've already ranted about how much I hate getting mail. Anything important like bank statements come to me via email, and my utilities and cell bill are on autopay, so the bulk of my house mail is credit card applications and other junk. Last night I received another reason to hate the mail in the form of a DC camera speeding ticket - 39mph in a 25mph zone; fine $125. Motherfucking DC.
I deserve the ticket and frankly am surprised I haven't gotten one sooner. But what really chaps my ass is where I got the ticket. The camera is located on the 1100 block of Bladensburg Rd in NE, which for those of you not familiar with the city, is probably the single most useless stretch of urban blight on the eastern seaboard of the United States. I firmly believe that everything and everyone on Bladensburg Rd from H Street to New York Avenue should be carpet bombed with incendiary rounds, bull dozed under, then bombed again to make sure nothing survived. It's three miles of pimps, addicts, and stores selling single cans of malt liquor. I'm probably the only person driving through that area whose license plate is actually registered to the vehicle it's on.
The city just re-did the entire road. They put in a fancy median with granite curbs, planted sod and trees in the middle, then repaved the whole road and put in about thirty crosswalks so the crack heads could cross the street to buy drugs without getting hit by the cars they are too stoned to see. I'm glad that I could help fund this rahab project that is benefiting so many law abiding, tax paying, citizens.
Believe, me, I would avoid the area like grim death if I could, but it's the fastest way to get in Route 50 from my house.
The city makes a killing on those cameras because it's nearly impossible to fight them. They have pictures of your car from three different angles and a close up of your plate, there's not much to argue. You're fucked. I thought it would be great to screw the city out of a whole day's worth of revenue from the camera by hiring a day laborer to stand at the camera with a "Slow Down! Speeding Camera Here!" sign.
When I get home tonight I'm going to take a steel wool pad to my license plate so I never get another one of these.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
How do you ask?
I worked from home for a few hours yesterday and took the opportunity to rub one out on youporn.com. While I was on the site I looked at the categories they have listed and I realized that there is a lot of crazy shit out there on the internet.
I've always thought of myself as adventurous when it comes to sex, but after perusing youporn I would list my sexual proclivities as g-rated, vanilla, and even Victorian. People are into some wild stuff, man, and all I could think was "How do you ask a girl if you can do some of it". It's not that I want to actually do what I saw, it's more that I want to see the reaction of the chick after I ask for it.
For instance.
I saw a video where this dude locked a girl in medieval stocks then gagged her with his elephant cock while a guy in a ski mask burned her with candle wax.
I saw a girl with Tourettes get banged in the asshole. She said things in that 4-minute clip that would have made a carny blush.
I saw a chick take two cocks in her asshole at the same time. AT THE SAME TIME! Not only does that seem impossible to me, but as a dude, how do you agree to have your dick pressed against another dude's dick while simultaneously being shoved into a woman's shit-hole?
In college I saw a video of a woman being fucked by a horse, who, incidentally, had a dick bigger than my whole arm (just to clarify, the horse, not the chick, but I bet you could find both on the internet). You would be surprised how often the term "horsecock" gets thrown around these days, and every time I hear it my mind involuntarily flashes a snipit of that poor woman getting fucked/trampled by Secretariat.
The most disturbing thing I've ever seen, even worse than the horse, was a video I saw while visiting my roommate's younger brother at Vanderbilt his sophomore year. This kid not only watched, but had saved on his computer, this really fucked up clip.
The video showed this Japanese guy cum in a Japanese chick's mouth. She then spit it in a tea cup. The dude then sucked the cum out of the tea cup with a mini turkey baster. Of course I was like "What's he going to do with the turkey baster?". My roommate's brother was like "Wait and see!". That little Japanese dude then bent the girl over, shove the turkey baster up her ass, and squirted his jizz in her butt.
I think I was two forty's deep at that point and I still couldn't imagine what the turn on with that was.
But the little guy wasn't done yet. He took the turkey baster out of her ass and layed down on the floor, and she hovered over his face, kind of squatting. I was like "Holy fuck, what's she doing?" but I kind of already knew, just like you do. That reserved looking Japanese girl shit the dudes jizz into his mouth!
So the jizz came out of his cock-n-balls, went into the girls mouth, she spit it into a tea cup, the guy sucked it out of the tea cup with a turkey baster, then shoved the baster into the girls butt, squirted it in, and then it came full-circle when it was shit into the dude's mouth.
But they weren't done. With his shit-jizz in mouth, the guy stood up and spit it back into the girls mouth, who then swallowed it, thus ending the scene and my trust of anything Japanese.
So, going back to my original question, how do you propose that to someone? Is there an evolution to that finale? Is the guy like "OK, I've come in your ass, we've done the tea cup thing, I turkey basted your face twice last week, why don't we shove it in your ass and then you shit my spooge into my mouth. Is that OK with you?"
I would like to believe that this stuff only happens in porn where the people are getting paid, but deep down inside I don't think that's the case. What fascinates me even more is that somewhere, someone actually thought that jizz-juggling routine up. This is going on in people's homes!
The horse thing I can kind of understand. You're a chick, you live on a farm, you see that the thirty-nine inch cock on the horse and think "That's six times bigger than my boyfriend's, wonder what it would feel like...". I see where the thought process is derived from. I can connect the dots there. But the jizz merry-go-round? That's the work of a guy that lives in his mother's basement and plays 23 hours of World of Warcraft a day.
Getting back to a chick's reaction to being asked to do some of these things, let's suppose you are Bob. You sell tires - wholesale, and make twenty grand a year. You work 12 hours a day in a box filled with florescent light and the high points of your day are the canteen truck coming at 10am, and when you punch out at 7. One day you decide "Geez, I've been married 28 years and not once has my wife ever shit my jizz into my mouth, I'd really like to give that a shot", how the fuck do you even being to go about asking for it? Do you take your wife of 28 years out for a nice dinner and bring it up? Do you show up home after work with a dozen roses and a turkey baster? Maybe email her from work and give a basic outline of what you have planned that night in pictograph format? I can't think of one single scenario that doesn't end in divorce papers.
I think there should be a sex amnesty day each year for couples where on that day you could ask for anything you'd like sexually without penalty. I bet the divorce rate would go way down because people wouldn't look outside of the marriage for sexual gratification. You could come home with a monkey and a reciprocating saw and explain exactly what you'd like your wife to do with them and if she wasn't down with it you'd send the monkey home with the saw and sit down and watch Dancing With the Stars with wifey. No fussing, no 911 calls.
There's no point here really, it's merely an observation.
I've always thought of myself as adventurous when it comes to sex, but after perusing youporn I would list my sexual proclivities as g-rated, vanilla, and even Victorian. People are into some wild stuff, man, and all I could think was "How do you ask a girl if you can do some of it". It's not that I want to actually do what I saw, it's more that I want to see the reaction of the chick after I ask for it.
For instance.
I saw a video where this dude locked a girl in medieval stocks then gagged her with his elephant cock while a guy in a ski mask burned her with candle wax.
I saw a girl with Tourettes get banged in the asshole. She said things in that 4-minute clip that would have made a carny blush.
I saw a chick take two cocks in her asshole at the same time. AT THE SAME TIME! Not only does that seem impossible to me, but as a dude, how do you agree to have your dick pressed against another dude's dick while simultaneously being shoved into a woman's shit-hole?
In college I saw a video of a woman being fucked by a horse, who, incidentally, had a dick bigger than my whole arm (just to clarify, the horse, not the chick, but I bet you could find both on the internet). You would be surprised how often the term "horsecock" gets thrown around these days, and every time I hear it my mind involuntarily flashes a snipit of that poor woman getting fucked/trampled by Secretariat.
The most disturbing thing I've ever seen, even worse than the horse, was a video I saw while visiting my roommate's younger brother at Vanderbilt his sophomore year. This kid not only watched, but had saved on his computer, this really fucked up clip.
The video showed this Japanese guy cum in a Japanese chick's mouth. She then spit it in a tea cup. The dude then sucked the cum out of the tea cup with a mini turkey baster. Of course I was like "What's he going to do with the turkey baster?". My roommate's brother was like "Wait and see!". That little Japanese dude then bent the girl over, shove the turkey baster up her ass, and squirted his jizz in her butt.
I think I was two forty's deep at that point and I still couldn't imagine what the turn on with that was.
But the little guy wasn't done yet. He took the turkey baster out of her ass and layed down on the floor, and she hovered over his face, kind of squatting. I was like "Holy fuck, what's she doing?" but I kind of already knew, just like you do. That reserved looking Japanese girl shit the dudes jizz into his mouth!
So the jizz came out of his cock-n-balls, went into the girls mouth, she spit it into a tea cup, the guy sucked it out of the tea cup with a turkey baster, then shoved the baster into the girls butt, squirted it in, and then it came full-circle when it was shit into the dude's mouth.
But they weren't done. With his shit-jizz in mouth, the guy stood up and spit it back into the girls mouth, who then swallowed it, thus ending the scene and my trust of anything Japanese.
So, going back to my original question, how do you propose that to someone? Is there an evolution to that finale? Is the guy like "OK, I've come in your ass, we've done the tea cup thing, I turkey basted your face twice last week, why don't we shove it in your ass and then you shit my spooge into my mouth. Is that OK with you?"
I would like to believe that this stuff only happens in porn where the people are getting paid, but deep down inside I don't think that's the case. What fascinates me even more is that somewhere, someone actually thought that jizz-juggling routine up. This is going on in people's homes!
The horse thing I can kind of understand. You're a chick, you live on a farm, you see that the thirty-nine inch cock on the horse and think "That's six times bigger than my boyfriend's, wonder what it would feel like...". I see where the thought process is derived from. I can connect the dots there. But the jizz merry-go-round? That's the work of a guy that lives in his mother's basement and plays 23 hours of World of Warcraft a day.
Getting back to a chick's reaction to being asked to do some of these things, let's suppose you are Bob. You sell tires - wholesale, and make twenty grand a year. You work 12 hours a day in a box filled with florescent light and the high points of your day are the canteen truck coming at 10am, and when you punch out at 7. One day you decide "Geez, I've been married 28 years and not once has my wife ever shit my jizz into my mouth, I'd really like to give that a shot", how the fuck do you even being to go about asking for it? Do you take your wife of 28 years out for a nice dinner and bring it up? Do you show up home after work with a dozen roses and a turkey baster? Maybe email her from work and give a basic outline of what you have planned that night in pictograph format? I can't think of one single scenario that doesn't end in divorce papers.
I think there should be a sex amnesty day each year for couples where on that day you could ask for anything you'd like sexually without penalty. I bet the divorce rate would go way down because people wouldn't look outside of the marriage for sexual gratification. You could come home with a monkey and a reciprocating saw and explain exactly what you'd like your wife to do with them and if she wasn't down with it you'd send the monkey home with the saw and sit down and watch Dancing With the Stars with wifey. No fussing, no 911 calls.
There's no point here really, it's merely an observation.
Monday, November 7, 2011
Halloween: Date II
Friday night I went to dinner with Halloween at Ping Pong Dim Sum in Chinatown. I'm not sure why I'm surprised, but I had a pretty good time.
Halloween and I met at the bar around 9pm. She's even smaller than I remember. I saw Halloween walking over to me and she had on tight jeans and huge high heels and she was still just a little over 5', and she must not weigh more than a hundred pounds. I gave her a kiss and as she had a seat next to me at the bar I thought "She's even smaller than Tiny", which would turn out to be funny later.
For the most part dinner went well. Conversation was good in that we didn't struggle for things to talk about. She's very bright and easy to talk to. I noticed that she's either a little shy or reticent to talk about herself. If I asked her a question about herself she would give a very short answer then redirect the conversation to me. I like to be the one asking questions, not answering them, so this was a little uncomfortable for me.
After dinner we got a drink at a bar down the street. She got a little more talkative after a couple of cocktails and mentioned that she did a lot of traveling with her family, and also said something about her dad paying for a condo for her while she was in school in NYC because she didn't want to live in a dorm. That combined with a few other things she mentioned lead me to believe that she comes from a very wealthy family and that she's "daddy's little girl". I'm not holding this against her. There are a lot of very wealthy people out there and I'm sure it's hard to turn down certain things if they are offered to you. I have a lot of respect for people who have the strength and convictions to forge their own path, though. I mention it only because it came up several times.
While at the bar Halloween told me that between college and grad school she spent a year in DC working for a small company in a field that is mostly unrelated to what she does now. I asked what it was she did and when she explained the company it sounded very familiar. When I asked the name of the firm she told me and it was the same company Tiny used to work for. Halloween asked "Why, do you know them?" and I said that I had a few friends that work there. I rattled off two names with Tiny's lodged in between but she didn't know them. It wouldn't have mattered if they knew each other, it's just an example of how small this city really is.
At midnight Halloween said that she was going to NYC in the morning and that she should probably be heading home to pack, which ranks right up there with "I have to wash my hair" and "I need to rearrange my sock drawer". I called her out on this and she said she really did need to pack, but if I didn't mind waking up at 7am I could come over for a night-cap while she packed then spend the night. So we caught a cab and headed to her place.
Halloween lives in a studio in Adam's Morgan. On the way over she told me she wasn't expecting company and that her place was a mess. Her place was nice, and pretty clean aside from clothes thrown all over the place, which I wouldn't hold against anyone.
Side Note:
I've noticed that there are three books you will find in almost all chick's bookcases: The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, The Girl Who Played With Matches, and Memoirs of a Geisha. A Long Way Gone: memoirs of a boy soldier and Water for Elephants are tied for fourth place.
Halloween gave me a drink and I sat on her couch while she finished packing. At 1:30 she took all the little pillows off her bed and said "Bedtime, get in there" and motioned towards the bed. I went to the bathroom and and when I came out the lights were off and she was getting under the covers. I sat on the edge of the bed and turned and started to say "Sorry, I don't have any underwear on..." because I didn't want her to freak out when I stripped down, but when I started to talk she ripped off her t-shirt and then flung her underwear across the room onto a pile of clothes on a chair. My lack of underwear wasn't going to be an issue.
We fooled around a little then I started to move to go down on her. She stopped me and said "No, let me do you", then kind of forcefully tossed me onto my back, which I'm all for, obviously. She went down on me, swallowed, then I reciprocated.
I'm not great at telling when girls come, I can't always pick up on the subtle nuances between "that feels nice" and a full-blown orgasm. I'm always afraid I'm going to stop too soon, and consequently usually go on too long. I was down there for a long time and was starting to get frustrated because I wasn't getting any feedback. Then I felt the bed vibrating a little. The vibrating picked up, then morphed into a tremor, then she started to convulse a little. Again, not wanting to stop too early I kept on going until Halloween clamped her knees together, which I took as my signal to stop.
When I came up for air Halloween said "I don't want to lead you on, but I can't sleep with you tonight". That's kind of a strange thing to say at that moment, but I was fine with it. Of course I would have preferred to have sex, but a great blowjob isn't a bad consolation prize.
Halloween and I met at the bar around 9pm. She's even smaller than I remember. I saw Halloween walking over to me and she had on tight jeans and huge high heels and she was still just a little over 5', and she must not weigh more than a hundred pounds. I gave her a kiss and as she had a seat next to me at the bar I thought "She's even smaller than Tiny", which would turn out to be funny later.
For the most part dinner went well. Conversation was good in that we didn't struggle for things to talk about. She's very bright and easy to talk to. I noticed that she's either a little shy or reticent to talk about herself. If I asked her a question about herself she would give a very short answer then redirect the conversation to me. I like to be the one asking questions, not answering them, so this was a little uncomfortable for me.
After dinner we got a drink at a bar down the street. She got a little more talkative after a couple of cocktails and mentioned that she did a lot of traveling with her family, and also said something about her dad paying for a condo for her while she was in school in NYC because she didn't want to live in a dorm. That combined with a few other things she mentioned lead me to believe that she comes from a very wealthy family and that she's "daddy's little girl". I'm not holding this against her. There are a lot of very wealthy people out there and I'm sure it's hard to turn down certain things if they are offered to you. I have a lot of respect for people who have the strength and convictions to forge their own path, though. I mention it only because it came up several times.
While at the bar Halloween told me that between college and grad school she spent a year in DC working for a small company in a field that is mostly unrelated to what she does now. I asked what it was she did and when she explained the company it sounded very familiar. When I asked the name of the firm she told me and it was the same company Tiny used to work for. Halloween asked "Why, do you know them?" and I said that I had a few friends that work there. I rattled off two names with Tiny's lodged in between but she didn't know them. It wouldn't have mattered if they knew each other, it's just an example of how small this city really is.
At midnight Halloween said that she was going to NYC in the morning and that she should probably be heading home to pack, which ranks right up there with "I have to wash my hair" and "I need to rearrange my sock drawer". I called her out on this and she said she really did need to pack, but if I didn't mind waking up at 7am I could come over for a night-cap while she packed then spend the night. So we caught a cab and headed to her place.
Halloween lives in a studio in Adam's Morgan. On the way over she told me she wasn't expecting company and that her place was a mess. Her place was nice, and pretty clean aside from clothes thrown all over the place, which I wouldn't hold against anyone.
Side Note:
I've noticed that there are three books you will find in almost all chick's bookcases: The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, The Girl Who Played With Matches, and Memoirs of a Geisha. A Long Way Gone: memoirs of a boy soldier and Water for Elephants are tied for fourth place.
Halloween gave me a drink and I sat on her couch while she finished packing. At 1:30 she took all the little pillows off her bed and said "Bedtime, get in there" and motioned towards the bed. I went to the bathroom and and when I came out the lights were off and she was getting under the covers. I sat on the edge of the bed and turned and started to say "Sorry, I don't have any underwear on..." because I didn't want her to freak out when I stripped down, but when I started to talk she ripped off her t-shirt and then flung her underwear across the room onto a pile of clothes on a chair. My lack of underwear wasn't going to be an issue.
We fooled around a little then I started to move to go down on her. She stopped me and said "No, let me do you", then kind of forcefully tossed me onto my back, which I'm all for, obviously. She went down on me, swallowed, then I reciprocated.
I'm not great at telling when girls come, I can't always pick up on the subtle nuances between "that feels nice" and a full-blown orgasm. I'm always afraid I'm going to stop too soon, and consequently usually go on too long. I was down there for a long time and was starting to get frustrated because I wasn't getting any feedback. Then I felt the bed vibrating a little. The vibrating picked up, then morphed into a tremor, then she started to convulse a little. Again, not wanting to stop too early I kept on going until Halloween clamped her knees together, which I took as my signal to stop.
When I came up for air Halloween said "I don't want to lead you on, but I can't sleep with you tonight". That's kind of a strange thing to say at that moment, but I was fine with it. Of course I would have preferred to have sex, but a great blowjob isn't a bad consolation prize.
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