Wow, I am honestly stunned today. Things have been a little slow the past month and I wanted to try to stir up some material (and action), so I decided to post a personal ad online. I know there are a lot of really ignorant and/or stupid people out there, but what I don't understand is how they can afford a computer and Internet connection. Based on the spelling in some of the replies I received, there is no way a few of those people are holding down a job. They can't even convey basic thoughts in a complete sentence.
I'm just shocked.
I am going to let the ad stay up for a few days and write a complete segment on this for Monday. However, I thought it would be useful to give some background on my illustrious online dating experiences first.
I tried Internet dating only once before. About 7 years ago I posted an ad on match.com, but overall I found the experience to be frustrating. The problem was that most of the people I met were socially inept. Everyone can come off as great when they have time to write out their thoughts, grammar check them, use a thesaurus to find the perfect word, and ponder each thought backwards and forwards. But when I actually met up with some of these girls the interactions were awkward, to say the least. I emailed back and forth with around 20 girls, but only met up with a handful. Most of the time I had coffee or a drink and nothing more ever happened. The three girls I talk about below were all met on match.com.
The first girl I decided to meet up with was really cute in her picture, and sounded like a lot of fun. We picked a restaurant and met for drinks one night after work. When she showed up she was easily 35 pounds heavier than she was in her picture, she had a nasty cold, was disheveled looking, and was just a complete misfit. As soon as I saw her I thought "one and done", meaning I'll have one drink them I'm out of here. She had other plans, though. I kept trying to get the check and she would say things like "oh, let's have another", or would just order another round without saying anything. She wasn't drinking fast, or too much, she just didn't want to leave, and I didn't know what to do. To make matters worse she kept sneezing and coughing, it was nasty. Finally I excused myself to go to the men's room. I went to the back of the place, slipped a waiter $100 for our tab and went out the back door. It was the only time I ever did that, but you have to believe me that I tried every other way of ending the night politely. She was just a disaster. One my way home I stopped at a CVS and bought hand sanitizing gel and covered my hands and face in it. As soon as I got home I took a shower.
The second girl I met online I went out with for a few weeks, maybe a month. We got along well and she was fairly cool. She actually seemed very normal. She was a little younger than me, and looked like the most innocent girl ever. I ended up taking her to a black-tie party my office threw at this really nice hotel. She showed up in a long silver dress and looked fantastic. Long story short she ended up getting hammered at the party. I didn't think she drank that much, but she went from fine to out of control in 20 minutes. Finally she asked for the key to my room and said she was going to lay down for a bit, which sounded great to me. I couldn't have her walking around trashed talking to my coworkers, but I had to stay and be social for a little while longer. The party was in the lobby that had an atrium that went all the way up the center of the hotel. In each corner of the lobby there was a glass elevator. I put her in one elevator and then walked back to the party. As the elevator started going up she she spotted me and pulled up her dress to show me her garter belt. I swear to Christ I didn't provoke it at all, she did it all on her own, and about 10% of my office saw it. I almost fucking died. I was helpless, all I could do was stand there. Serves me right for bringing a stranger to an office function. Lesson was learned, and I never took her out again.
My final online dating experience was with this really sexy girl from Poland, she looked like a Russian stripper. Super sexy. I dated her for about two months. She was a little quirky, I think with a slight OCD problem, but nothing major. She seemed fairly conservative, sexually. I think it was three weeks before we even kissed. We fooled around a couple of times, but the clothes always stayed on. One night we went out in NYC and ended up back to her place. Up until this point we had only kissed, and I had no indication anything more was going to happen that night. Frankly, I thought she would ask me to sleep on the couch. We hooked up for a bit on her bed when we got home, then she went into the bathroom and took a shower. She was in there FOREVER, easily 45 minutes. I think she was betting that I would fall asleep and then she could just slide into bed and nothing would happen. When she walked out of the bathroom and saw I was awake she said "heyyyy, what are you still doing up?". I really didn't answer. She got into bed and we started hooking up again. After about 30 minutes all our clothes were off and she quietly opened the drawer of her night table and pulled out a condom. She put it on me then rolled over so I could get on top of her. It was dark in her room, but as I slid into her I saw something flash through my peripheral vision. Before my brain could process what my eye saw there was a sharp, shooting pain in on my left ass-cheek. A second later the sound waves caught up to the pain, and I heard the slap. As if I wasn't already in sensory overload, she yelled, nay screamed, "now fuck my pussy!". I cannot convey how shocked I was, but I can tell you that I almost put her head through the wall when her right hand made contact with my left butt cheek the second time. It must have looked like a rodeo, when they open the gate and the bull comes out of the chute at 40mph and twisting on all three axises while the cowboy gets flopped around like a rag doll. She slapped me about 10 more times before I finally grabbed both her wrists and rolled her over. I couldn't take anymore. We went out for a little longer, but it eventually just ended and I never went on match.com again.
More to come on my DC online dating experience.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Friday Night Pool
I went out in Georgetown on Friday night with a group of friends. We had dinner together then headed to a bar on Wisconsin to drink some beer and shoot pool. After an hour or so on the table one friend and I starting playing against two girls that we met at the bar. The chicks were mediocre in all regards. One was blond with a curvy body, nice boobs, but her face was just OK and she wore too much make up. The other girl had a really cute body, tiny, but she wasn't that great looking.
There wasn't much else at the bar, unfortunately, these two were the best around and that is not saying much. We probably played 5 or 6 games together, but I really wasn't attracted to either of them enough to put in any effort. One of my buddies was egging me on to take the blond home, but I just wasn't interested. I suppose this is unusual for me as I will generally take anything home from the bars. My guess is that I could have taken the blond home with maybe 30 minutes of moderate work. Both girls were clearly out looking to hook up. But even that seemed like a lot of work given the potential "reward".
My friend Chuck thinks I give up too easily. I am not sure that applies in this case, since I never initiated anything. His theory is that if it's not an easy layup I walk away, which I don't think is true. First of all, I am very aggressive when it comes to talking to women, and calling them after I get a number, it's not like I go running in the other direction if they don't immediately come home with me. However, I think that I can have pretty good instincts about reading when a girl is into me, and when she's not. If I can tell that she isn't into me, I move on. There are cases where I really like someone and will go all out to keep her attention, but if I am not extremely into her I don't waste my time.
In any event, Friday night was not very productive in the female department. I stayed in Saturday night.
I've noticed a major savings in the past 4 or 6 weeks due to my lack of dating activity. I always knew that I spent a lot on dating, but I guess I never really looked at the numbers. I haven't taken a girl out to dinner since Bear, which was about 6 weeks ago, and I estimate I have saved close to a thousand dollars. If you go out twice a week for six weeks that averages about $85 per night. In DC it isn't hard to spend $85 a night on drinks and dinner, that's a fairly inexpensive night.
I guess my point is that a girlfriend is more expensive than a drug habit. We all have our vices, I suppose.
There wasn't much else at the bar, unfortunately, these two were the best around and that is not saying much. We probably played 5 or 6 games together, but I really wasn't attracted to either of them enough to put in any effort. One of my buddies was egging me on to take the blond home, but I just wasn't interested. I suppose this is unusual for me as I will generally take anything home from the bars. My guess is that I could have taken the blond home with maybe 30 minutes of moderate work. Both girls were clearly out looking to hook up. But even that seemed like a lot of work given the potential "reward".
My friend Chuck thinks I give up too easily. I am not sure that applies in this case, since I never initiated anything. His theory is that if it's not an easy layup I walk away, which I don't think is true. First of all, I am very aggressive when it comes to talking to women, and calling them after I get a number, it's not like I go running in the other direction if they don't immediately come home with me. However, I think that I can have pretty good instincts about reading when a girl is into me, and when she's not. If I can tell that she isn't into me, I move on. There are cases where I really like someone and will go all out to keep her attention, but if I am not extremely into her I don't waste my time.
In any event, Friday night was not very productive in the female department. I stayed in Saturday night.
I've noticed a major savings in the past 4 or 6 weeks due to my lack of dating activity. I always knew that I spent a lot on dating, but I guess I never really looked at the numbers. I haven't taken a girl out to dinner since Bear, which was about 6 weeks ago, and I estimate I have saved close to a thousand dollars. If you go out twice a week for six weeks that averages about $85 per night. In DC it isn't hard to spend $85 a night on drinks and dinner, that's a fairly inexpensive night.
I guess my point is that a girlfriend is more expensive than a drug habit. We all have our vices, I suppose.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Friends With Benefits
I was talking with my good friend Miguel last night about how the FWB situation with Bear recently ended. Miguel has been married for six years, has a two year old, and is "trying" for his second, possibly at this very moment (apparently it's hard to get pregnant, high school would have been much different had I known this). Miguel has been out of the game for a while now, but he seems amazed by the FWB concept. He has certainly had similar arrangements while in college, but I don't think he ever really experienced it during adult dating, so he always sounds a little surprised when I talk about FWB situations, and how often they occur.
What Miguel, and few other people realize, is that true FWB is a myth. My hypothesis is that FWB is not sustainable for more than 4 months. Inevitably, one party grows attached, and once that happens the whole arrangement is totally fucked. For some reason, that point seems to come at or around 4 months.
FWB starts harmlessly enough, usually at a function where both people consume too much alcohol (did people get laid before booze?). So, you have a few drinks, you make a few bad decisions, next thing you know it's morning you're trying to get your underwear down from the ceiling fan.
So the trend forms. You meet up, you have sex, you leave shortly thereafter. Repeat. Everyone is having fun, coming left and right, things are great. You may even brag to your friends about what a great situation you've stumbled into, and they think you're Columbus and you just discovered the New World all over again.
There are many variations on what happens next, but boiled down to its essence the sex is good but there is a lack of chemistry on one side of the equation. Then things change, and not for the better. I believe there are two main causes of the eventual FWB rift. The first is that one of the friends finds a new friend. The other is one of the friends starts getting slightly stronger feelings, and tries the impossible, taking the FWB out of friend territory and into a dating situation. Whatever the cause, the result is no more friends, and no more benefits. Not only are you no longer friends, but generally there is a deep resentment and anger.
Here's the real problem with FWB: the reason you are FWB and not dating is because one of the two friends does not really like the other person that much. If there were mutually strong feelings you would be dating instead of just fucking. One of you is a booty call. It's kind of like that saying in poker "If you can't pick out the sucker at the table in the first thirty minutes, you're the sucker". If you're OK with the FWB arrangement and not looking for other sources of entertainment, you're the booty call.
Here's something else to consider with FWB: you can be FWB with someone you're not really attracted to. I think this is a good thing. I have slept with a ton of chicks (unfortunately, literally) that I was not attracted to but who were great in bed. The fact is ugly girls try harder in bed. Hot chicks think that sex is great for the guy just because they showed up. After one or two times with the hot chick that is lousy in bed the guy gets sick of the her just lying there, we want some interaction, and ugly/heavy girls never disappoint. I obviously like motorcycles, so I will put this into motorcycle terms. Harley riders have a saying: Fat chicks are like Jap bikes, they're fun to ride but no one likes to be seen on them. So, FWB is great because you can have great sex with someone you wouldn't necessarily want to take out to meet your friends.
I have had many FWB, and I really enjoy it for the first few months. I think the reason that 4 months seems to be the limit is because it's just long enough to get you through a typical northern US winter. Maybe FWB can last longer is Siberia or Alaska, but here in the continental US 4 months is my magic number.
It is too bad, because if FWB was sustainable for more than 4 months it would be the perfect arrangement. If anyone has been able to pull FWB off for significantly longer than 4 months (maybe a year) and knows the secret to it, I would certainly be interested in hearing about it.
What Miguel, and few other people realize, is that true FWB is a myth. My hypothesis is that FWB is not sustainable for more than 4 months. Inevitably, one party grows attached, and once that happens the whole arrangement is totally fucked. For some reason, that point seems to come at or around 4 months.
FWB starts harmlessly enough, usually at a function where both people consume too much alcohol (did people get laid before booze?). So, you have a few drinks, you make a few bad decisions, next thing you know it's morning you're trying to get your underwear down from the ceiling fan.
So the trend forms. You meet up, you have sex, you leave shortly thereafter. Repeat. Everyone is having fun, coming left and right, things are great. You may even brag to your friends about what a great situation you've stumbled into, and they think you're Columbus and you just discovered the New World all over again.
There are many variations on what happens next, but boiled down to its essence the sex is good but there is a lack of chemistry on one side of the equation. Then things change, and not for the better. I believe there are two main causes of the eventual FWB rift. The first is that one of the friends finds a new friend. The other is one of the friends starts getting slightly stronger feelings, and tries the impossible, taking the FWB out of friend territory and into a dating situation. Whatever the cause, the result is no more friends, and no more benefits. Not only are you no longer friends, but generally there is a deep resentment and anger.
Here's the real problem with FWB: the reason you are FWB and not dating is because one of the two friends does not really like the other person that much. If there were mutually strong feelings you would be dating instead of just fucking. One of you is a booty call. It's kind of like that saying in poker "If you can't pick out the sucker at the table in the first thirty minutes, you're the sucker". If you're OK with the FWB arrangement and not looking for other sources of entertainment, you're the booty call.
Here's something else to consider with FWB: you can be FWB with someone you're not really attracted to. I think this is a good thing. I have slept with a ton of chicks (unfortunately, literally) that I was not attracted to but who were great in bed. The fact is ugly girls try harder in bed. Hot chicks think that sex is great for the guy just because they showed up. After one or two times with the hot chick that is lousy in bed the guy gets sick of the her just lying there, we want some interaction, and ugly/heavy girls never disappoint. I obviously like motorcycles, so I will put this into motorcycle terms. Harley riders have a saying: Fat chicks are like Jap bikes, they're fun to ride but no one likes to be seen on them. So, FWB is great because you can have great sex with someone you wouldn't necessarily want to take out to meet your friends.
I have had many FWB, and I really enjoy it for the first few months. I think the reason that 4 months seems to be the limit is because it's just long enough to get you through a typical northern US winter. Maybe FWB can last longer is Siberia or Alaska, but here in the continental US 4 months is my magic number.
It is too bad, because if FWB was sustainable for more than 4 months it would be the perfect arrangement. If anyone has been able to pull FWB off for significantly longer than 4 months (maybe a year) and knows the secret to it, I would certainly be interested in hearing about it.
Still Sick and Neighbors
I can't seem to shake this cold I have. I was feeling pretty good last Thursday and was looking forward to going out this past weekend, but when Saturday night rolled around I was still coughing and decided to stay in. I had a bunch of friends out in Georgetown, but bailed out and ended up staying in all weekend. I am going to China in a few weeks and want to be over this cold before I leave.
I have a few new developments in my neighborhood.
This summer I was looking at a house a few doors down from mine when the real estate agent asked me if I had met the "flight attendants". I said no, I had no idea what he was talking about. Turns out that the house next door to the one I was looking at (5 doors down from my place) is shared by a bunch of "hot" female flight attendants. The real estate agent was a douche bag of the highest caliber, so I was skeptical what his idea of "hot" was, and dismissed his comment. Also, I spent a month on a ladder redoing the front of my house, if there was a troupe of hot flight attendants living nearby, I was confident I would have spotted them. Turns out I was wrong. I was taking down my Christmas lights on Sunday (I know, they were up way too long, but I have been sick) when two very attractive women walked out of the house the real estate agent told me about. I have no idea if they were flight attendants, they weren't in uniform or anything, but they were good looking. I am going to throw a party this spring when my place is done, I will have to figure out a way to invite them.
In another "neighborhood" twist, I keep seeing a really cute girl parking her car near my house. I walk my dog every night when I get home from work, and this girl must be on a similar schedule, because she is always parking her car when I am walking down that particular street (I swear I am not stalking her, really). She's my type: tall, skinny, brunette, cute face. She drives a Jeep which I generally take as a sign that a woman is low maintenance. I only started seeing her the past month or so. I let the dog sniff around longer than normal when she's parking, in the hopes I can strike up a conversation with her, but we've only managed to exchange smiles. I need to teach my dog some useful tricks, like tackling hot women as they get out of their cars. What good does it do me for her to "give me five" or "play dead", she has to start earning her keep around the house and get me laid once in a while!
Last thing. I have a friend (actually, a friend of a friend) in NYC who I saw when I was up there a few weeks ago. His wife, Em, is really cool, she has partied with my group of friends many times, and is a lot of fun to hang out with. I was talking to one girl at a club and when I walked back to our table Em asked if I was single. I said yes, but was somewhat surprised because she has seen me take girls home from the bars before.
I guess she just thought I was a slime ball...I don't think I am, maybe I am, but I would never be so open about it if I was.
Em said she has a college friend that lives in DC she wants to set me up with. She just sent me the girls name and email address this morning, and said the chick is expecting to hear from me. I don't think I have ever emailed someone I never met before, the phone is a little more traditional, but I'll give it a shot. Em describes her as "cute, and totally non-crazy", not exactly a ringing endorsement, is it?
I have a few new developments in my neighborhood.
This summer I was looking at a house a few doors down from mine when the real estate agent asked me if I had met the "flight attendants". I said no, I had no idea what he was talking about. Turns out that the house next door to the one I was looking at (5 doors down from my place) is shared by a bunch of "hot" female flight attendants. The real estate agent was a douche bag of the highest caliber, so I was skeptical what his idea of "hot" was, and dismissed his comment. Also, I spent a month on a ladder redoing the front of my house, if there was a troupe of hot flight attendants living nearby, I was confident I would have spotted them. Turns out I was wrong. I was taking down my Christmas lights on Sunday (I know, they were up way too long, but I have been sick) when two very attractive women walked out of the house the real estate agent told me about. I have no idea if they were flight attendants, they weren't in uniform or anything, but they were good looking. I am going to throw a party this spring when my place is done, I will have to figure out a way to invite them.
In another "neighborhood" twist, I keep seeing a really cute girl parking her car near my house. I walk my dog every night when I get home from work, and this girl must be on a similar schedule, because she is always parking her car when I am walking down that particular street (I swear I am not stalking her, really). She's my type: tall, skinny, brunette, cute face. She drives a Jeep which I generally take as a sign that a woman is low maintenance. I only started seeing her the past month or so. I let the dog sniff around longer than normal when she's parking, in the hopes I can strike up a conversation with her, but we've only managed to exchange smiles. I need to teach my dog some useful tricks, like tackling hot women as they get out of their cars. What good does it do me for her to "give me five" or "play dead", she has to start earning her keep around the house and get me laid once in a while!
Last thing. I have a friend (actually, a friend of a friend) in NYC who I saw when I was up there a few weeks ago. His wife, Em, is really cool, she has partied with my group of friends many times, and is a lot of fun to hang out with. I was talking to one girl at a club and when I walked back to our table Em asked if I was single. I said yes, but was somewhat surprised because she has seen me take girls home from the bars before.
I guess she just thought I was a slime ball...I don't think I am, maybe I am, but I would never be so open about it if I was.
Em said she has a college friend that lives in DC she wants to set me up with. She just sent me the girls name and email address this morning, and said the chick is expecting to hear from me. I don't think I have ever emailed someone I never met before, the phone is a little more traditional, but I'll give it a shot. Em describes her as "cute, and totally non-crazy", not exactly a ringing endorsement, is it?
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Valentine's Day
Only a society with too much time and money on its hands could coin a phrase like "Hallmark Holiday". The hard working men and women that settled this country could not have fathomed a holiday created by a company that makes greeting cards.
Here's the scenario. Three hundred years ago some guy is working his plot of land in present-day Pennsylvania. He works a 14 hour day tilling his land, tending to a herd, always on the verge of either starving, sweating or freezing to death, depending on the season. As an added bonus, he always has one eye looking over his shoulder for a opportunistic bear or mountain lion that might ambush and eat him. Imagine now, if you can, how high on this guys priority list it would be to pick a dozen roses and a card for his girlfriend on February 14th. It's just preposterous.
Obviously the world has changed. Most days I sit in an office at a computer. The biggest hazard I face at work is getting burned by my morning espresso. If I spotted a mountain lion crouched down in a shadow in the copy room, I'd die of a heart attack long before the cat had a chance to blink, much less pounce. But just because we have more free time does that mean we should fill it will nonsense like Hallmark Holidays, and the ridiculous commitments that go along with them?
The problem is that Valentine's Day is "amatuer night" at every restaurant, ask anyone in the service industry if you don't believe me. Also, all the restaurants have "special menus" on the 14th because they know they have you, and they are going to gouge you for every cent they can. Amatuer night means that people who don't normally go out to dinner do because their significant others expect them to. But most of these people don't know how to tip, so everyone working is pissed off because they know they are working very hard for shitty pay. Consequently, the service also sucks on Valentine's Day (and also on New Year's Eve, the biggest amatuer night of the year).
Below are a few highlights of my past Valentine's Days.
My first year out of college I was finally making a decent wage and decided to take my then-girlfriend out for a nice dinner. I picked the nicest restaurant at home and booked a reservation a month in advance. We had a great time, and the dinner was, by far, the most expensive I had ever paid for up to that point in my life. The service was poor, and the prix-fixed meal was mediocre. That night we had great sex, and I gave myself a hearty pat on the back, thinking I had done well in both planning and execution. The problem came twelve months later when I tried to downgrade to a less expensive restaurant. We had been dating for well over a year by then, and I didn't see a need to drop $250-300 on dinner again. I suppose you could say that was a rookie mistake, going too fancy too early, but the problem is there is just so low you can set the bar at at first. I mean, you can't go to McDonalds that first year, there is a minimum expectation, and let's not forget you are trying to get laid.
Fast forward a few years. I was working in NYC and dating a ballerina. We started dating in March, so we had been dating for nearly a year when our first Valentine's Day arrived. Naturally I assumed she would pick a nice place to eat, and maybe grab a few drinks after. We talked a little about what we were going to do on Valentine's Day, but I essentially left the planning up to her because I was very busy at work. This was a huge mistake. Ms. Ballerina selected the Blue Water Grill in Union Square for dinner (fairly pricey), followed by some crazy ballet that I didn't understand at all (tickets were $150 each). The icing on the cake came on the car ride home when we went not to her apartment, but instead to a swanky hotel in Tribeca ($700). Naturally, I paid for everything. I think the bill for the whole night was around $1600. OK, shame on me for letting it get out of hand. Any other night of the year we could have had dinner and a helicopter ride around the city for the same amount of money, I don't see the point, do you?
Two years ago my company planned a conference on Feb. 14th in Orlando. I thought it was hysterical, but many of the married guys in my groups had a lot of explaining and fast talking to do. I had three trips in a row that month, so I was gone for 15 days in February. I was kind of dating this girl, so I invited her to meet me in Orlando for a weekend between two of my conferences. She flew in Thursday night, and I had to work Friday, so I bought her a day at the spa at the Portofino Hotel at Universal Studios. I thought I was in good shape until I hit traffic driving from Tampa to Orlando and was two hours late picking her up at the airport. To make matters worse my cell phone had died and I didn't have a car charger, so she just sat at the airport unable to reach me, and thought I had ditched her. When I finally showed up she was sitting on her (gigantic) suitcase crying her eyes out. Basically, she never forgave me for that, and there was serious tension the rest of the trip. I felt badly, so anything she asked me to do I gave into. The most humiliating moment of the trip was when she forced me to dress up like a Viking and take a picture with a huge wooden troll sculpture in Epcot.
Similarly, about 5 years ago I was involved in a charity group that had foolishly planned a black-tie dinner on Valentine's Day. The problem was the dinner was to honor college football players, and the tickets were $250 a head. It was basically a night for guys to go out, get drunk, and talk about football. There was no way I was going to spend $250 on a ticket for this crazy Italian girl I was dating to come, she didn't know anything about football. To further confuse matters I had recently met this girl Camille, who was going to be at the function through her office, so I didn't want Italian girl to be anywhere near Camille. The compromise was that I rented a hotel room near the dinner, had drinks early with Italy, then went to the dinner while Italy met her friends out at the bar. It seemed like I was getting the best of both worlds until I came back to the hotel room around 1am and Italy had drank herself into a stupir and put the chain on the door, effectively locking me out of the room. I ended up sleeping in my brother's hotel room until his snoring drove me out at 4am. I succeeded in banging on my hotel room door until Italy woke up enough to let me in. Moments later she threw up, a satisfactory outcome for me.
Last year was the best. I had been dating this girl Rojo for a while. I never wrote a blog about her because the relationship really wasn't that interesting. Rojo had a viscious sweet tooth, and was addicted to all things chocolate. As last year's Valentine's Day approached she asked what I had in store, and my luke-warm reaction probably hinted to her that I had very little planned. Her suggestion was an all-chocolate 8 course meal which cost $150 per person. I was speachless. For starters, I don't like chocolate and she knows it, so I'm a little taken aback that she would even suggest it. She doesn't like red meat, so I would never suggest going to a Brazilian Steak House. But the price made it even more abrasive to me. With booze and tip you're easily looking at a $400 evening...am I the only one who this doesn't make sense to? I flatly rejected, I refused to even discuss it, I simply said no. She then offered to pay, I still refused. While the money was part of the problem, it was mostly the principle. I would not give in to the Hallmark Holiday. Fuck the economy and fuck the guy who dreamed up a $300 chocolate dinner, he should be forced to eat chocolate until he died from it.
There you have it, a small taste of the fun I've experienced on Valentine's Days in the past.
Here's the scenario. Three hundred years ago some guy is working his plot of land in present-day Pennsylvania. He works a 14 hour day tilling his land, tending to a herd, always on the verge of either starving, sweating or freezing to death, depending on the season. As an added bonus, he always has one eye looking over his shoulder for a opportunistic bear or mountain lion that might ambush and eat him. Imagine now, if you can, how high on this guys priority list it would be to pick a dozen roses and a card for his girlfriend on February 14th. It's just preposterous.
Obviously the world has changed. Most days I sit in an office at a computer. The biggest hazard I face at work is getting burned by my morning espresso. If I spotted a mountain lion crouched down in a shadow in the copy room, I'd die of a heart attack long before the cat had a chance to blink, much less pounce. But just because we have more free time does that mean we should fill it will nonsense like Hallmark Holidays, and the ridiculous commitments that go along with them?
The problem is that Valentine's Day is "amatuer night" at every restaurant, ask anyone in the service industry if you don't believe me. Also, all the restaurants have "special menus" on the 14th because they know they have you, and they are going to gouge you for every cent they can. Amatuer night means that people who don't normally go out to dinner do because their significant others expect them to. But most of these people don't know how to tip, so everyone working is pissed off because they know they are working very hard for shitty pay. Consequently, the service also sucks on Valentine's Day (and also on New Year's Eve, the biggest amatuer night of the year).
Below are a few highlights of my past Valentine's Days.
My first year out of college I was finally making a decent wage and decided to take my then-girlfriend out for a nice dinner. I picked the nicest restaurant at home and booked a reservation a month in advance. We had a great time, and the dinner was, by far, the most expensive I had ever paid for up to that point in my life. The service was poor, and the prix-fixed meal was mediocre. That night we had great sex, and I gave myself a hearty pat on the back, thinking I had done well in both planning and execution. The problem came twelve months later when I tried to downgrade to a less expensive restaurant. We had been dating for well over a year by then, and I didn't see a need to drop $250-300 on dinner again. I suppose you could say that was a rookie mistake, going too fancy too early, but the problem is there is just so low you can set the bar at at first. I mean, you can't go to McDonalds that first year, there is a minimum expectation, and let's not forget you are trying to get laid.
Fast forward a few years. I was working in NYC and dating a ballerina. We started dating in March, so we had been dating for nearly a year when our first Valentine's Day arrived. Naturally I assumed she would pick a nice place to eat, and maybe grab a few drinks after. We talked a little about what we were going to do on Valentine's Day, but I essentially left the planning up to her because I was very busy at work. This was a huge mistake. Ms. Ballerina selected the Blue Water Grill in Union Square for dinner (fairly pricey), followed by some crazy ballet that I didn't understand at all (tickets were $150 each). The icing on the cake came on the car ride home when we went not to her apartment, but instead to a swanky hotel in Tribeca ($700). Naturally, I paid for everything. I think the bill for the whole night was around $1600. OK, shame on me for letting it get out of hand. Any other night of the year we could have had dinner and a helicopter ride around the city for the same amount of money, I don't see the point, do you?
Two years ago my company planned a conference on Feb. 14th in Orlando. I thought it was hysterical, but many of the married guys in my groups had a lot of explaining and fast talking to do. I had three trips in a row that month, so I was gone for 15 days in February. I was kind of dating this girl, so I invited her to meet me in Orlando for a weekend between two of my conferences. She flew in Thursday night, and I had to work Friday, so I bought her a day at the spa at the Portofino Hotel at Universal Studios. I thought I was in good shape until I hit traffic driving from Tampa to Orlando and was two hours late picking her up at the airport. To make matters worse my cell phone had died and I didn't have a car charger, so she just sat at the airport unable to reach me, and thought I had ditched her. When I finally showed up she was sitting on her (gigantic) suitcase crying her eyes out. Basically, she never forgave me for that, and there was serious tension the rest of the trip. I felt badly, so anything she asked me to do I gave into. The most humiliating moment of the trip was when she forced me to dress up like a Viking and take a picture with a huge wooden troll sculpture in Epcot.
Similarly, about 5 years ago I was involved in a charity group that had foolishly planned a black-tie dinner on Valentine's Day. The problem was the dinner was to honor college football players, and the tickets were $250 a head. It was basically a night for guys to go out, get drunk, and talk about football. There was no way I was going to spend $250 on a ticket for this crazy Italian girl I was dating to come, she didn't know anything about football. To further confuse matters I had recently met this girl Camille, who was going to be at the function through her office, so I didn't want Italian girl to be anywhere near Camille. The compromise was that I rented a hotel room near the dinner, had drinks early with Italy, then went to the dinner while Italy met her friends out at the bar. It seemed like I was getting the best of both worlds until I came back to the hotel room around 1am and Italy had drank herself into a stupir and put the chain on the door, effectively locking me out of the room. I ended up sleeping in my brother's hotel room until his snoring drove me out at 4am. I succeeded in banging on my hotel room door until Italy woke up enough to let me in. Moments later she threw up, a satisfactory outcome for me.
Last year was the best. I had been dating this girl Rojo for a while. I never wrote a blog about her because the relationship really wasn't that interesting. Rojo had a viscious sweet tooth, and was addicted to all things chocolate. As last year's Valentine's Day approached she asked what I had in store, and my luke-warm reaction probably hinted to her that I had very little planned. Her suggestion was an all-chocolate 8 course meal which cost $150 per person. I was speachless. For starters, I don't like chocolate and she knows it, so I'm a little taken aback that she would even suggest it. She doesn't like red meat, so I would never suggest going to a Brazilian Steak House. But the price made it even more abrasive to me. With booze and tip you're easily looking at a $400 evening...am I the only one who this doesn't make sense to? I flatly rejected, I refused to even discuss it, I simply said no. She then offered to pay, I still refused. While the money was part of the problem, it was mostly the principle. I would not give in to the Hallmark Holiday. Fuck the economy and fuck the guy who dreamed up a $300 chocolate dinner, he should be forced to eat chocolate until he died from it.
There you have it, a small taste of the fun I've experienced on Valentine's Days in the past.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Flu
My careless behavior in South America and New York City finally caught up with me and I spent all last week in bed with a flu/bronchitis combo that nearly sent me to the hospital. I rarely get sick, so I was a complete baby Tuesday through Thursday. Wednesday night was the worst as my fever peaked at around 3am. I was fairly certain at one point that I was having a picnic on the steps of the Capitol Building with Papa Smurf, the Care Bears, and a few dead presidents. Who needs drugs when a good 103 fever will do?
Needless to say, I did not go out last weekend, so I don't have any good stories to convey.
Obviously, Saturday is Valentine's Day. I may head out with a few single buddies to get beers, but honestly I am still not feeling 100% and don't want to push my luck. I'm not a big fan of Valentine's Day simply because it's a Hallmark holiday, and because women use it as an excuse to highjack guys into doing things they don't want to do (I could write a whole column just on "Things I've done but hated on Valentine's Day). I can't remember the last time I didn't have a date on Valentine's Day, though, maybe it's a good night to pick up girls.
More to come.
Needless to say, I did not go out last weekend, so I don't have any good stories to convey.
Obviously, Saturday is Valentine's Day. I may head out with a few single buddies to get beers, but honestly I am still not feeling 100% and don't want to push my luck. I'm not a big fan of Valentine's Day simply because it's a Hallmark holiday, and because women use it as an excuse to highjack guys into doing things they don't want to do (I could write a whole column just on "Things I've done but hated on Valentine's Day). I can't remember the last time I didn't have a date on Valentine's Day, though, maybe it's a good night to pick up girls.
More to come.
Monday, February 2, 2009
NYC Weekend
I took the train up to NYC on Friday afternoon to meet my buddies that I went to South America with. Two friends from Argentina also flew in for the weekend. There wasn't any special event, we just picked a weekend and decided to hang out.
Argentina, my leggy model friend from Buenos Aires was in town. I really wanted to have her come down to DC for a few days, but she didn't seem too receptive to the idea.
Friday night we went to a club in Tribeca, it was a good time, but not really my scene. Saturday we spent all day at this African restaurant that was essentially a club that you go to during the afternoon under the guise of having brunch. I have never had an 8-hour, multi-thousand dollar brunch before, though. I have also never had brunch where everyone, I mean EVERYONE, was dancing on their tables and chairs. We had a great time. After "brunch" we ate at a French restaurant across the street.
After dinner we reached a cross-road. It was about 10:30pm, we had been drinking since 1pm. There were two options at this point. One group wanted to go home, and the other group was going to a guy's apartment to have a beer, then head to the bars. Obviously, I chose the later. Two girls that I had just met caught a cab with us to this guy Mike's house somewhere on the lower-west side. We had a drink then walked down the street to this really dank dive bar. We stayed for one beer then took cabs to another, only slightly less dank, dive bar. The second bar at least had some decent talent.
I'm not really sure why, but I was feeling kind of lazy. I felt a little guilty for not hanging out with Argentina, but also like she was being somewhat aloof. Whatever the cause was, my mood was "go big or go home", bordering on cocky. I think my rationale was that if I couldn't take home Argentina, I would take home two other girls. Clearly this makes no sense now, but it seemed logical at the time. I was really shooting for three, to be honest. It could have been thirty, the odds wouldn't have changed much, they would still be only slightly over 0 percent.
I talked a good game for a while. I talked to this one girl for a long time and we ended up hooking up a bit in the corner. I should have been happy to get one, but I got greedy and said I wasn't going to take her home that night unless she brought a friend or two with us. She looked at my quizzically for a while, wondering if I was kidding. When I told her I was dead serious she pointed out the one friend she was with who might consider it, and she was a big girl. I said that wasn't happening. Frankly, I was pretty excited just to be having that conversation at all.
We talked for another 45 minutes more, mostly about sex, and she was certainly ready to go home whenever. Finally I said, "OK, I'm going to head home, good night." Again, I think she thought I was kidding until I put on my coat and left without her. I really don't know what I was doing.
Argentina, my leggy model friend from Buenos Aires was in town. I really wanted to have her come down to DC for a few days, but she didn't seem too receptive to the idea.
Friday night we went to a club in Tribeca, it was a good time, but not really my scene. Saturday we spent all day at this African restaurant that was essentially a club that you go to during the afternoon under the guise of having brunch. I have never had an 8-hour, multi-thousand dollar brunch before, though. I have also never had brunch where everyone, I mean EVERYONE, was dancing on their tables and chairs. We had a great time. After "brunch" we ate at a French restaurant across the street.
After dinner we reached a cross-road. It was about 10:30pm, we had been drinking since 1pm. There were two options at this point. One group wanted to go home, and the other group was going to a guy's apartment to have a beer, then head to the bars. Obviously, I chose the later. Two girls that I had just met caught a cab with us to this guy Mike's house somewhere on the lower-west side. We had a drink then walked down the street to this really dank dive bar. We stayed for one beer then took cabs to another, only slightly less dank, dive bar. The second bar at least had some decent talent.
I'm not really sure why, but I was feeling kind of lazy. I felt a little guilty for not hanging out with Argentina, but also like she was being somewhat aloof. Whatever the cause was, my mood was "go big or go home", bordering on cocky. I think my rationale was that if I couldn't take home Argentina, I would take home two other girls. Clearly this makes no sense now, but it seemed logical at the time. I was really shooting for three, to be honest. It could have been thirty, the odds wouldn't have changed much, they would still be only slightly over 0 percent.
I talked a good game for a while. I talked to this one girl for a long time and we ended up hooking up a bit in the corner. I should have been happy to get one, but I got greedy and said I wasn't going to take her home that night unless she brought a friend or two with us. She looked at my quizzically for a while, wondering if I was kidding. When I told her I was dead serious she pointed out the one friend she was with who might consider it, and she was a big girl. I said that wasn't happening. Frankly, I was pretty excited just to be having that conversation at all.
We talked for another 45 minutes more, mostly about sex, and she was certainly ready to go home whenever. Finally I said, "OK, I'm going to head home, good night." Again, I think she thought I was kidding until I put on my coat and left without her. I really don't know what I was doing.
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