Technology

Never in history have so many tools been at the disposal of man to get laid. Cell phones, text messaging, email, online dating, Facebook, Google, these are all things that were likely designed by some nerd looking for a way to have sex without having to speak to a female. Think about it, each technological development reduces the number of live interactions necessary to copulate. It's a brave new world, I tell you.

I didn't have a cell phone until after college, and once I got used to it I didn't know how I got along without one. How did people find each other before the cellular age? I guess we just wondered around town hoping to bump into each other. Getting a phone number from a chick was a big deal because you had to physically get the number somehow. When you finally found a girl willing to give you her number you had to find a pen, and inevitably ended up asking the bartender for one. If you were lucky there was a matchbook (because there was a time when you could smoke in a bar) or a napkin around you could write on, otherwise you had to write it on your hand or arm. Then, after all that, you had to do you best not to lose the paper, or smudge the fucking ink on your arm. I can't tell you how many mornings I spent feverishly digging through my pockets looking for a bar napkin with a girls number in it, only to find out that at 5am I accidentally blew my nose with it and threw it out, or something stupid like that. With a cell phone you just pop the number in and you're good to go.

I thought it couldn't get any better than cell phones, then out of no where text messaging came along. Wow, now you didn't even have to gather the courage to call the girl to get laid, you could just type "what r u doing?" and send it to 15 girls at 3am, anyone who responds obviously wants to have sex. I hardly talk on my phone anymore. It's childish, really, it's like when you were in 3rd grade and you would write something on a slip of paper and pass it across the classroom to a girl. "Do you like me? Circle one and pass it back. Yes No "

I've said it before, I'm not a big fan of online dating. My biggest problem with it is that it's too disorganized. You wink and a thousand girls, get messages from 50, people are winking at you, you're just throwing shit against the wall and seeing what sticks. It's totally based on looks because the profiles all say the same thing: "I'm shy until I get to know you. I like all kinds of music. I love the outdoors. I'm just as comfortable in sweats as I am in a little black dress. Blah blah blah..." Plus, it takes forever to finally meet up, girls want to chat for a month before they will get together with you. Can you really blame them though, there's a thousand dudes sending them messages? But here's my biggest problem with it, anyone can do it. It takes no balls whatsoever to send a girl an email. Guys spend hours carefully crafting witty emails, but they have no fucking game in person. I used to have an advantage because I don't have a problem walking up to a girl in a bar and striking up a conversation. But now with online dating, all these geeks can meet girls, and they are diluting my dating pool. However, I've gotten laid a couple of times from girls I met online, so I guess I can't be too bitter.

Facebook (and myspace before that) is another great way to get laid with minimal effort. It's kind of like an online bar where there's only six degrees of separation with everyone in the room. It's a great way to reconnect with chicks you used to know or hook up with, and it's also a good way to meet new people. Once you're "friends", you basically have a written and photographic bio on the girl. The downside of Facebook is that people you DON'T want to talk to can stalk you. For instance, I received the following email just last night from Lee, my ex who is now married with three kids:

"Hey you,

Hope all is well.. I am not coming down to DC this month, too much going on. Are you coming home for x-mas? Would love to hang out. How are you doing? Your Facebook page and pics indicate you are still handsome and crazy as ever. How the fuck did you end up with a hand print on your body in broad daylight? Better yet, I do not want to know.

Talk to you soon,

xoxo

L"

Lee went to college in DC, and was supposed to come down for a reunion and wanted to get together for drinks (which I never agreed to). Tell me, if you were Lee's husband, would you be happy about this message? I certainly would not be. I can say with 1,000,000% certainty that if we met for drinks we would have sex, probably in the bathroom of the bar (she is really into that, or used to be, anyway).

As for the hand print...very long story and frankly not worth repeating.

I can't wait to see what technology comes next.

Went out for drinks with some friends last night, had a great time, we tasted all these different wines from Oregon. There was this cute little 22 year old girl there who was completely innocent, which I really liked about her. She just graduated from Georgetown and I think she works for the CIA. Maybe she isn't as innocent as she lets on. She may come to my Halloween party.