Dating Flotsam and Jetsam

It occurred to me that there are some dating and hookup topics that I have failed to specifically address in the past that I feel need clarification. I will try to be complete and specific, but I reserve the right to return to any topic at a later date and amend.

The Check: I pay for dates. Drinks, dinner, coffee, cabs, gas (yes, chicks have offered to pay for my gas), a fucking pack of gum, the guy pays. I don't care who asked whom out, where you went, how you got there, the dude pays. ESPECIALLY on early dates. Also, there is no splitting of checks, that's even worse. Ladies, if a guy allows you to pay for half a check never, ever go out with him again, he deserves to be alone. After many dates, and usually many months of sex, I will sometimes allow a girl to take me out for my birthday, or if she says something like "I want to go see ... and I insist on getting the tickets for us.", I may let it slide. However, I have paid for my own birthday dinner after agreeing to allow my date to pay.

Manners: Unlock and open the chick's car door. Hold building doors open. Say please and thank you. Push her chair in for her. The waiter/waitress is a human being, treat him or her with the utmost respect. Tip at least 20%. Have cash with you. Enough said.

Condoms: Guys are expected to have condoms on hand at all times, and to use them. If there is even a remote chance I will be out after dark I have two condoms in my pocket. The guy is expected to have a condom even if you end up at the chick's house. However, the condom should never be seen until sex is imminent, anytime sooner and one will not be necessary because there will be no sex.

Handjobs: At this stage in life handjobs are unacceptable. If a handjob is all I am going to get I would rather do it myself, I know what I like, I have my technique down. If the girl wants to stick around while I take care of myself that's her prerogative, but at that point she's just a spectator, she lost the right to participate. I have one friend that if a girl comes to his house and will only give him a handjob he outright refuses. If she stays over he waits until she's asleep then jerks off. When he's about to come he wakes her up so she can watch. I don't know why I find that so amusing, but I do.

A gentleman never tells: Sorry, I tell my boys everything. I realize this may contradict what some consider having manners or being a gentleman, but that's just the way it is. Guys tell each other everything, and in great detail. If a girl says "you have to promise not to tell anyone...", it means she's doing something stupendous, and we have all the more reason to tell. Often, I will be in the middle of some lewd act thinking "I can't wait to tell Chuck and C-Roc this.", and once in a great while I will do something just because it will make for a good story. In addition to describing the act, we also describe the chick on almost a molucular level. We talk about tattoos, preferred positions, noises she makes, things she said, faces she makes when she comes, volume of moans, things she will do, and things she won't. We dwell on minute details. For instance, I hooked up with one chick that had a hairy ass. My friend's asked "Like on her cheeks?", I said "No, around her asshole!", "How did you see them?", "It stuck out from between her cheeks!!!", "Like pubes?", "Yes, but only straiter...". This line of questioning went on and on. I then drew several diagrams on bar napkins illustrating the offensive hairs, and we talked about this for a solid hour.

I'm leaving: If a girl at a bar or party agrees to go home with me, I leave immediately, I am exempt from saying good bye to anyone. My friends know and understand this, and are never concerned if I disappear. There is no time to waste, she can change her mind at any moment and for the most insignificant reasons. I generally don't even close out my bar tab, I get her in a cab stat. I can close the tab out the next day. I went to Costa Rica with some guys for a bachelor party, and a few guys I didn't know very well before the party. Our first night there I disappeared after dinner (I left with our waitress to get a BJ) and some of the guys were really concerened. However, those who knew me were like "Ah, don't worry about him, he'll turn up in the morning." At 6am I come rolling in and one of the concerned dudes said "Where were you, I was worried sick!". My buddy C-Roc, who was in the next bed said something like "I told you not to worry grandma.", then rolled over and went back to sleep.

We: If I meet a girl in a bar and she uses the pronoun "we" when talking about herself, I really can't get away from her fast enough. Her friends are still game, though. Referring to herself as "we" is her way of saying "Fuck off, twit, I'm nailing some other dude."

Left ring finger: I have an uncanny ability to spot wedding rings. I can see diamonds through walls, around corners, even in gloves (no lie, I can spot the hump left by a rock). If she has a ring on I won't even talk to her.

Lies: I try not to lie. Not because I have a moral problem with it, but because I am not very good at it, and my short term memory is awful. I usually forget what I said 30 seconds after it has left my mouth, so life is less complicated if it's the truth. However, if being an astronaut or a Colombian cocaine kingpin is going to get me laid, I can be either for a night.

Bachelor pad: I try to keep my place clean. I have a cleaning lady, and between her visits I do my best to make sure my place is presentable at all times. At a bare minimum I make sure there aren't dishes in the sink, the bathroom is clean, my sheets are fresh, and there are at least two rolls of toilet paper in my bathroom (one in use and one spare). I have the following things in my kitchen at all times: red wine, white wine, beer, and bottled water.

Lastly, I have decided that I need to regroup on my "dating" game plan. Until further notice there will be no "dating". My interactions with chicks will be limited to flirting, meeting out for drinks, texting, late night hook ups, one night stands, friends with benefits, and perhaps the occasional hate fuck. All dinners, movies, movie nights, cooking at my place, coffee, walks in the parks, etc, are suspended indefinitely.