Weddings

Ugh, I just got an invitation to a wedding in Hawaii, what is that all about? I'm so sick of weddings, the allure wore off years ago and now they are just a tremendous inconvenience. The problem is that couples have no consideration for their guests.

Everyone says what a great time weddings are, but where do all these fantastic weddings take place? All the ones I go to are showy affairs with cold food, fat bridesmaids, and annoying relatives. Sure, everyone gets hammered and dances like fools, but I don't need to rent a tux and fly halfway across the world to do that, I can just walk to the Ugly Mug.

Why can't people get married in their hometowns, why do I have to fly to Bermuda or Hawaii? They're called "Destination Weddings", and I refuse to go to them. Why should I use my vacation time and frequent flier miles to get sand in my shoes while you read your own gay wedding vows? Forget it.

I also won't go to weddings on holiday weekends. That's a double-screw, now you're asking me to take a whole long weekend to watch you get married. The only reason people pick those weekends are because the reception halls cut them a discounted rate. But hold up, I'm not calling you cheap because you picked a holiday weekend, I'm saying your inconsiderate for making me give up one of my five floating holidays to go.

While we're on the topic of finances, I think you're a total ass if you spend more than ten or twenty grand on a wedding, TOPS! I don't care who you are, how much you make, or which of your relatives is giving you the money to pay for it. Someone, somewhere, earned and saved that money and you have no business frittering it away on flowers and French silk dresses. The whole industry is out of control. And wedding planners, you have the most insignificant job on this entire planet. How do you live with yourselves? I have personally made three cry. "Stand here, stand there. Put the drink down. Don't grope the sister of the bride." Stop fucking telling me what to do!

Before you accuse me of being a bitter bachelor, I would like to point out that my family has been in the wedding industry for nearly 75 years, and it has been very good to us. I worked for the family business and have extensive first-hand knowledge of what a tremendous waste of resources weddings are. Did you know that over 50% of all married couples go into long-term debt to pay for weddings? That stunned me. Think about it, people borrow money to throw a party, and most don't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of. In many cases, the debt payments last longer than the marriage. Think about that before you sign a loan for a wedding!

Industry Story: A small part of the family business was a bridal shop. I wasn't working there, but I stopped by one Saturday afternoon to drop off some paperwork and the manager asked me to follow her to a dressing room. In the room was the bride, her mother, a seamstress, and the sales girl. Five months ago the bride, who was a size 8, ordered a size 4 dress because she was sure that she would lose the weight in time for her wedding, which was now just 3 weeks away. She showed up for her final fitting still a size 8, insisted that she had lost the weight, and that they put her in the dress. Well, they put her in the dress, zipped her in, and now they couldn't get her out. We keep a pair of pliers on hand to help with this type of "stubborn zipper", and they were hoping I could pry the zipper down. I tried for a while, but she was in it pretty good. The zipper was just too stressed to open, and I would have only ripped the dress or hurt the bride if I applied anymore force. So, I turned to the seamstress and said "Cut her out of it", at which point the bride immediately began to cry uncontrollably. I wish I could have put money on her getting down to a size 4.

Some weddings are unavoidable, you have to go, especially if you're asked to be part of the bridal party. If you marry into my circle of friends you should know that a wedding combines very volatile elements, and once mixed you cannot slow, stop, or contain that reaction. It's like nuclear fission. The situation can't be "unfucked" until the booze wears off in the wee hours of the morning and the system has expelled all its energy. Even then the damage may be irreparable. It's not always our fault, though. If the bride put a little fore-thought into the event a lot of problems could be avoided. I mean, if you don't want us to drink massive vodka-cranberry cocktails out of the giant crystal vase center pieces, don't put them on the tables. Common sense here people.

But don't worry, I'm not here to ruin weddings, I'm here to prevent them. Before every one of my close friends' weddings I called them and made the following, very serious, open-ended offer. The offer is that if they are having any doubts about what they are about to do, I will be at their house in one one hour with two plane tickets. I'll fly them to Key West where we will sit at Captain Tony's and stay pie-eyed until the wedding blows over. It is their "get out of jail free" card, and they can use it up-to and within one hour of the ceremony. It will be totally discrete, and all expenses are on me. It's the one wedding gift I don't mind giving.

To date, no one has taken me up on this. However, one guy told his wife about my offer and let's just say that I don't get invited over for dinner very often.