Condoms

So for a week now I have been running low on condoms. Last night I pulled a dog-eared rubber wrapper out of my travel bag and stuffed it in my back pocket before I went out. The thing probably expired in 1996 but it was better than nothing. I just kept forgetting to buy a new box. Today I stopped at Harris Teeter and picked some up, and it got me thinking, will I ever get comfortable buying condoms? I'll be 33 in a few months, and have probably bought condoms thousands of times, why do I still get flustered?

Riddle me this, Batman, why do the condoms always have to either be near the feminine hygiene products or in the pharmacy right next to where people pick up their prescriptions? Why do I have to be shoulder to shoulder with three girls buying tampons, or worse, next to an 80 year old lady waiting for her foot fungus meds while I grab a twelve-pack of Trojans? Condoms should be in the isle with the razors and shaving cream, that way there will only be dudes in the isle and we can take our time and make an educated purchase. I bet that simple move would increase sales by ten percent. We can actually find what we're looking for instead of grabbing the first box we come across. But honestly, if the condom manufacturers were smart they would only sell them in 100-packs, what are we going to do, not buy them?

Thank god Trojan boxes are color coded by type. Man, all I have to do is find that light blue box and I'm out of there. Imagine if all the boxes looked alike? I would go so flustered that I would grab any old thing and toss it into my carriage. One night I would go to put on a condom only to find I bought Magnums, or those sheep skin things, both useless to me.

I can't decide if it's a good or bad thing that the condoms are always right next to the pregnancy tests. That can't be an accident. You can either look at it as a nice reminder why you're paying $14 for twelve pieces of latex that will invariably make sex less pleasurable, or you can make a good argument that it's just a huge mind-fuck. That the condom and pee-stick manufacturers lobbied the grocery stores for neighboring shelf placement just to play with you. I don't think they're complimentary items, like, say, peanut butter and jelly.

This is a very serious question. Does every store have a diabolical employee that renders the bar codes of all condom boxes invalid? There has to be. There is no other explanation for why condoms always come up as "invalid" when scanned at the register. This triggers a price check, people are using the paging system to announce what isle needs the price for the economy pack of Trojan-Enz lubricated prophylactics. The 16 year old clerk is sent to the tampon isle to get the SKU number off the shelf. Sweet baby Jesus, can't this global glitch be fixed?

How about when someone you know walks into the store just as the clerk rings up the rubbers, isn't that awesome! I could count on that once a year when I was living at home. I was in Walgreens one afternoon buying a box of Trojans and my grandmother walked in. "Holy shit!" I thought, "She's going to have a heart attack and die right here and now!". Luckily she was legally blind and didn't see what they were. The woman who drove her around saw them, though. Ugh, there has to be a better system. Perhaps we all should pay an annual condom tax and then be allowed to just steal them from the store.

Lastly, I CANNOT buy condoms without wondering what the check-out girl thinks as she holds the box and slides it over the scanner. Is she saying "Right now I'm holding something that will later be rolled onto this man's penis."? I mean, they all handle the box like their ringing up broccoli or something, absolutely no emotion. You would never know that they are embarrassed, but they have to be, right? I'm generally mortified, they have to be a little off-put.

Don't even get me started on buying lube, or porn for that matter!