Travel

Why is it that when I fly to Atlanta I have a layover in Charlotte, but when I fly to Charlotte my layover is in Atlanta? Even more confusing, why do I fly through Philly when I travel to Raleigh? I believe there is an algorithm that explains how the airline industry uses out-of-the-way layovers to bilk passengers on ticket prices.

Last night the pilot got on intercom and made the following announcement: "Good evening ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. We're going to shut down the engines and wait here on the tarmac for about 20-25 minutes. This will save us a bit of money on fuel and gate fees. We should be in the air shortly and will only be a few minutes late arriving in Atlanta." Did I hear that right? Did he just say that he was going to save a little money on gas while 150 people lost precious moments of their lives sitting on an idle plane?

Do we really need the announcement on every flight informing us that you can't smoke and that tampering with smoke detectors is a crime? Hasn't everyone gotten this message yet? While we're trimming the pre-flight announcements, do we need a demonstration on how to buckle and unbuckle a seat belt? Take off already! If you can't use a seat belt you shouldn't be flying. Also, in the event of a crash what is that seat belt going to do? Nothing. And where did you get these seat belts, out of a fleet of '64 Buicks? They're old as fuck. There isn't even a shoulder strap. My Jeep has a shoulder strap and its top speed is 75mph. This is a goddamn jet doing 300mph at 40,000 feet, what is that feeble lap belt doing to do if we crash?

Sitting in the seat behind me last night from Atlanta to DC were a barn owl and a cougar. These are not witty names for types of chicks, I mean an actual bird and jungle cat. They were in cages, strapped into the seat directly behind me. Yes, I was apprehensive about flying with a big cat that, if it got loose, could maul me. If you can bring noisy shitting animals on a plane you should be allowed to smoke.

Did you know that you can't use cell phones or two-way pagers in flight because there is a chance it could interfere with the plane's navigation system and cause a crash? Does anyone believe this? I can't bring a nail clipper on the plane, or a 4 ounce bottle of shaving cream, if a cell phone can crash a jet perhaps these shouldn't be allowed on board either. Even if it was a one a million chance my Blackberry was going to down the jet, it's still thousand-times more likely than me hijacking a plane with a nail clipper. There has to be another reason they aren't telling us.

This is a little disconcerting. I fly so much that I just stopped taking metal objects out of my pockets before going through the metal detectors. I also fly with a Nalgene bottle filled to the brim with water, and you know what, I only get stopped about 2% of the time. I'm all for security, when it works.

Do we really need "beverage service" on a 45 minute flight? I'm convinced this is a union scam to keep flight attendants employed. If you can't go 45 minutes without a soda just buy one in the terminal and stick it in your bag, why do the airlines have to serve beverages. When was the last time you got in a cab and the driver offered you a tomato juice?