The Rodeo

I've been talking to my buddies about our plans for New Years and there seem to be some good things in the works, not only in terms of locations, but also relative to attendees.

One of my favorite people on Earth is my friend from college, Fooj. Fooj's father is Japanese and his mom is American. He looks Asian, but he's like 6'2", clearly a maternal gene. He's ultra smart, was a child music prodigy, and is the only person I have ever met who truly doesn't care one bit what other people think of him. For instance, if you said "Fooj, you're wearing a track suit at this very fancy club, you look like an idiot.", he would either laugh at you and walk away, or just stare at you blankly and sip his drink. He just doesn't care. He also doesn't think society's rules apply to him. For instance, he smokes heavily and always has. But he smokes anywhere he wants. Bars, restaurants, pumping gas, in his office. When people yell at him and tell him to put it out he just says "Ohhh, yeahhhhh, sorry about that." He then puts the cigarette out and lights up another one five seconds later. One day in college I was in a computer lab at 11pm and I smelled smoke. I looked up and three rows away I saw smoke rising up from behind a monitor and thought "There's only one person in the world who would have the balls to smoke in here.", and sure enough, it was Fooj, puffing away on a Marlboro. I might add that it helps Fooj's dad was one of the original investors in wireless cell phone technology, and has a trust fund worth millions (not that you would ever know by looking at him, he was always disheveled).

Anyway, Fooj is now a very successful stock broker. He married an impossibly tall and beautiful Ford Agency model a few years back and now has a baby girl. Fooj was supposed to come to South America last year but dropped out at the last second. There is rumor that he's joining our trip this year. Events get exponentially more unpredictable when Fooj is involved.

Case and point.

A few years back I was in NYC one Monday night for work. Fooj was living with another college friend on 3rd Ave in midtown. It was a chill night and we both had work in the morning, but we decided to go to this place called Rodeo Bar for a few cocktails. The place was dead, but Fooj and I sat at the bar and ordered some drinks. We were shooting the shit when this brunette walks over to us and says "You two are the best looking guys in the bar". Fooj and I looked around and I said "We're the ONLY two guys in the bar?". The brunette giggled, and said "True, what are you guys doing tonight?", and without missing a beat Fooj says "Well, we're going to take you back to your place and double-team you." and we all laughed (me, nervously). The chick said "Mmmm, that sounds nice" and with that we left the bar. I'll call the brunette Rodeo.

Rodeo: Rodeo was probably in her late-twenties or early-thirties. She was about 5'7", long brown hair, a little on the curvy side, but decent enough.

I was dumb-founded as we walked out. I gave Fooj a look as if to say "what the fuck is going on?" and he just shrugged. When we got to the street Fooj said to the girl "which way?" She gave a nod and off we went. As we were walking I alternated between uncontrollable giddy laughter and a strong fear that we had just picked up a hooker. We were approaching a little market and I asked Rodeo if she had any booze at her house. She said she had some gin, so I said "Great, let me run in here and grab some mixers." I grabbed a can of tonic, but what I really needed was a huge box of condoms. I wanted to be ready in the event this really did go down.

We finally got to this chick's flat, which actually was a very nice place. It was a studio, but it had a great view and was nicely furnished. I remember thinking that she must be a really high-priced hooker and that this was not going to be cheap.

She mixed us some drinks and there was an awkward moment where the three of us just stood in her kitchen (for those of you who recall my I Love NYC post, this may sound eerily similar). I started kissing Rodeo and Fooj yanked down her skirt and underwear. I think he was fingering her from behind while I kissed her, but I tried not to look, afraid that the reality of what was actually happening would settle in. The three of us clumsily made our way over to her bed in one corner of the main room, but when we got to the edge of it Fooj broke off and walked over to the couch.

As Rodeo undid my pants I started to smell cigarette smoke, and then heard the TV click on. I knew without looking exactly what was going on. Fooj had just lit a cig and was scanning through the channels looking for MTV. I couldn't help myself from laughing out loud, all this was just too much.

Rodeo finally got my pants off and I put on one of the condoms I bought earlier. There wasn't much foreplay, I just laid her on the bed and slid into her. I was pretty buzzed, but it wasn't until a few minutes into sex that I realized I had my shirt, tie, and suit jacket still on, and that my tie was really getting in the way. I kept moving it off her face, and then eventually slung it over my shoulder, which I must have seen in a porn or something. A second later I looked back and caught a glimpse of Fooj on this chick's leather couch holding the TV remote control in front of him, clicking through the channels just like he was at home. The couch faced away from us, so all I saw was the remote, the back of his head, and a ribbon of smoke rising up. I bit my tongue so I wouldn't laugh.

I refocused on the task and hand. Rodeo was moaning and carrying on, but I could see her sniffing, clearly aggravated by the smoking. I picked up the pace to get this over with. When I came I pulled out of her and ripped off the condom. Cum went everywhere, including her left eye. As she was rubbing it she said "Was that really necessary?". I was like "Um, sorry, got a little carried away". I climbed off her and started putting my pants back on.

But Rodeo wasn't through, she said, "OK, it's your turn", looking at Fooj, who was now probably on his fourth cigarette. He ashed on her floor, laughed really hard, and said "Ohhhhhhhhhh, there's no way I'm going after him". He then stood up and ran for her front door. Afraid of getting left behind, I took off after him, and we both made a break for the elevator. The chick had her blouse on, and jumped up while we were running. I could hear her yelling and swearing as we got in the elevator, but I never looked back to see if she was after us.

Once we hit the street we ran all the way back to Fooj's place, doubled over laughing. When we got home we poured a few more drinks and went through what just happened, frame by frame. We were laughing so hard that I thought I might throw up. Fooj's roommate came out of his room, he had clearly overheard us. He stood there in his underwear for a second, shook his head, then went back to sleep. In the end we decided she wasn't a hooker, just some fucked up girl.

I don't know why, but the image of Fooj holding the remote while I banged Rodeo ten feet away is forever ingrained in my head. I think that will remain one of the most ridiculous events of my life.