Patience

I am not a patient person. I am a busy guy living in a crowded city, get the fuck out of my way.

I completely understand when a postal worker whips out a gun and blows away three of four customers who can't decide between Elvis or President Lincoln stamps. I DON'T condone it, but I understand the circumstances that led him or her to believe first degree murder was the solution.

Case and point: Last night I went to Harris Teeter at 5pm. I realize this is not a good time to go grocery shopping, but it was my best option. So there I am in "the short line", which always turns out to be the slowest line, with my three items behind about 4 other people. Right when the cashier is done ringing up the front customer's items the customer dashes off (as fast as a woman 125 pounds overweight can dash) to fetch tooth paste or something. So there we are, 5 other customers anxious to get home, standing in line because she can't write or read a goddamn grocery list. When she walks, yes walks, back the cashier finishes ringing up the order and tells her the total. The customer pays then decides to take out her coupons. What? I think (OK, and yell) "Are you kidding me?". The cashier, who is probably 16 and making $5 an hour, doesn't care how slowly the line moves because she makes the same money regardless of the turn rate at the register. She presses a thousand keys on the register and opens the transaction back up so that lady can save forty-two cents. I feel obligated to point out that the customer paid with a DC food voucher, which essentially means you and I paid for her groceries. So in some small way I guess I am glad she used the coupon. Infuriated, but strangely glad.

Put down the cell phones. No, you're not that important that you need to be sending text messages while trying to cross Pennsylvania Ave at 5:30pm. If a bus hits you while you're doing this, good, it's Natural Selection at work. You're thinning out the pack so the rest of us have two square feet more on the sidewalk. Oh, and by the way, the box on the light post on the other side of the street with the big red blinking "hand", that's a sign telling you not to fucking walk. You don't even have to know how to read to understand this. If you step off that sidewalk while the hand is flashing I'm gunning for you. All those liberal pussies who say "pedestrians ALWAYS have the right of way" should try crossing the street in front of me against the signal. I won't kill you, I'll just clip you. If you yell I'll stop, but not to say I'm sorry. READ THE SIGN! I don't run red lights, don't j-walk in front of me. That goes for all you twits in DuPont circle, too. Every time I drive through that circle some numb-nut steps off the sidewalk right in front of me. That is exactly why Detroit equipped my car with a horn, and why I added an extra steel bumper.

Change. Obama is for change, I'm against it, at least in terms of coins. I vote we do away with all coins. Honestly, can you get anything for less than a dollar these days? If you can, make it two for a buck, they must be small. Round off the prices of everything to the nearest whole number (including tax, if you must), and that's the price. Imagine how much time we will all save by not having to wait for granny to count out seventy eight cents from the loose change in the bottom of her purse. The other great thing is that the homeless people would all have to say "you got any spare dollars", and let's face it, most of the people who give them change aren't going to cough up a buck for Roger the crazy guy at 7-11.

Speaking of homeless people. "Got any spare change?", of course I do, but I'm not giving it to you so you can get drunk or high. Why should you get to be drunk while I work all day? You don't think I'd rather be sitting in a park with a bottle of wine and my lady-friend? Get out of here. Instead of selling that rag Street Sense and giving the proceeds to the homeless, why don't we take the money and put the homeless on a bus to another city. I'd pay fifty bucks for a copy of that paper if it meant I was accosted by one less drug addict in Chinatown looking for a fix. As a matter of fact, sign me up for a year with home delivery.

Cabbies. You motherfuckers. Yeah, you're a necessary evil. I wish mass transit here was just a bit more efficient and widespread so we can kick all those pricks out of town. Turns without blinkers, illegal U-turns, driving 4mph while you look for a fare, constantly honking. Every city would be a better place if you were taxed to the teeth and pushed out of town.

Tourists. Ugh, another necessary evil. You shouldn't be allowed to drive in DC with out-of-state plates. Utah license plate during rush hour? BAM, right into the metro parking lot in Arlington you go. NYC tried this a few years ago, but it didn't pass. Too bad. There should also be a tourist lane on the sidewalk. This would be the lane where you walk around staring at the sky while you carry a map, and your wife and kids walk at a glacial pace. They have commuter lanes on the highway, why not the sidewalk?

That should do it for today, go about your business.