Tourists

This weekend I went to the Museum of American History and the National Air and Space Museum on Saturday and Sunday. My visits reinforced two earlier observations. They are that Americans are slovenly and that tourists have terrible spacial awareness.

It's pretty easy to distinguish Americans from foreigners, we're the fat ones dressed like shit. I'm all for dressing comfortably, but how do you go out to a museum at the nation's capitol in sweatpants and a sweatshirt? Am I crazy to think that sweats should only be worn at home or in the gym? This isn't so much about fashion as it is respect for your country and how we represent our nation. At least put on pants that don't require a drawstring.

Part of the problem is that some of these people are so obese that sweatpants are probably the only thing they can wedge themselves into. A quick survey of the mall and you can see where the problem stems from. You can't go twenty feet without running into a hot dog or ice cream vendor on the mall. Would it kill us to have a smoothie or fresh fruit stand out there? It has to be a statistical certainty that if you stood in front of the Air and Space museum long enough you would witness someone having a massive heart attack while they stuffed a foot long wiener in their maw.

What truly makes visiting museums on the weekends unbearable is that tourists, regardless of origin, have no spacial awareness. They stop in the most inopportune places. How can someone take one step off an escalator and think that's a good spot to stop and check a map? Hey, dickhead, there's a fucking hundred people behind you being forced up what is essentially a conveyor belt, and you're fat ass is blocking the only place they can exit. Move it! Or how about the tourist that stands in the middle of a busy hallway while his partner snaps a picture with a camera from 1983, the one with the worlds slowest flash. Everyone waits around, unsure if they should walk past or not. I saw one guy get his picture taken standing next to every plane in the Air and Space museum. What are you going to do with those pictures? I can see him back home in Uzbekistan, "This is me with an American plane I can't name. Oh, and here's me with another plane, this one is silver, but I don't know what it was used for". Jesus, put the camera down and read the plaque, you may learn something.

The worst is waiting for people to go through the metal detectors. Oh man, just shoot me. Some clown walked through and set off the buzzer three times. After each attempt he removed yet another metal object. Those guards have the patience of Job to deal with that shit. If I were a guard I would have pistol whipped that dude after his second time through. "I said take all the goddamn metal out of your pockets, you're too stupid to come in here, go get a hot dog and wait outside!" If you're too stupid to get through the metal detectors the first time should we really allow you near our national treasures? The dumb ass would probably manage to set the Star Spangled Banner on fire or smash a Stradivarius.

An unexpected surprise was how many beautiful foreign girls there were, and how approachable they were. If you think about it, it's the perfect setting to strike up a conversation. What could be easier than standing next to a priceless work of art, or piece of history, and saying "Wow, can you believe Lincoln actually wore this watch!", or whatever. You have a built-in ice breaker. Too easy, I can't wait to drag my sister there some afternoon.

Anyway. I'm heading to Colorado Wednesday for a snowboarding trip with 4 other guys. This was kind of a last minute trip. We found cheap flights, and a good deal on a house rental, so we booked it. Should be a good time. Only one other guy going is single, so I don't think we'll get into too much trouble. But you never know.