That thing in NC

I eat lunch with a couple of women from my office three to four days a week. Betty and Martha are only a few years older than I, but they are both married with kids, so our lives are polar opposites. They enjoy the stories of my exploits and failures, and I find a special sort of satisfaction in hearing the fucked up tales about their kids and relish in the fact that I don't have any spawn of my own (or at least any that you can prove) to drive me to the brink of insanity and financial ruin.

Yesterday we were waiting in line at a deli to order lunch and another woman from my office, Annie, was waiting a few people behind us. Martha waived to her and said "Annie, why don't you join us for lunch". It was a bold move because there were five or six people between us waiting to order and Annie jumped past them like a hungry jackal. Plus, I really don't like Annie much and wasn't thrilled about spending my lunch break with her. The damage was done, though...or so I thought.

When we got our food we sat down at a table and Martha said to Annie "So, whatever happened to that thing in North Carolina". I was unwrapping my sandwich and overheard the question, but Martha had asked it quietly enough so I wasn't sure if it was intended for general discussion. Betty was fiddling with her salad dressing and I don't think she caught it. Annie, however, looked really uncomfortable. Then she kind of got up out of her chair and I thought she may have been choking. She may have even been trying to leave the table. I couldn't tell for sure. Annie just hovered above her seat and her mouth took on an odd shape, like she had a whole egg in there and was trying not to break or swallow it. Then the look morphed into something else. I thought she may have broken a tooth, or worse, found someone else's tooth in her sandwich. It was a grotesque mixture of horror and disgust. Martha kept asking "What's wrong? Are you OK? Are you OK?"

Finally, Annie swallowed and said "Well, that's kind of an ongoing thing." Martha said "Oh, that's too bad, how's your father doing?" Annie sat back down, but it was now clear that she was highly uncomfortable with the topic and the manner in which it was brought up. Annie continued "Well, his Alzheimer's is getting really bad, and this has kind of turned into a covert mission...like a kidnapping...but...um...I'm not sure..."

At this point Betty and I (and everyone else in the deli within earshot) are really uncomfortable and trying to stuff Boar's Head meats in our pie holes' as quickly as possible if for no other reason than to perhaps choke to death and escape this ugly scene. I gently try to kick Martha in the shin, but all I can find is the leg to her chair.

With that Martha drops the a-bomb on the table "Oh, I'm sorry, maybe they (referring to Betty and I) don't know. [turning to us] Did you guys know that Annie's mom passed away two weeks ago?"

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! The bomb detonated and every molecule of oxygen was sucked out of the room. I would have been less surprised if Martha pulled an eighteen-inch black rubber dildo out of her purse and pimp slapped me across the face with it.

I couldn't muster a single word, not even a noise. Nothing. I estimate one full minute passed before Betty said "Oh, no, I didn't know that. I'm very sorry to hear that." Then another minute passed.

But no, Martha wasn't done. Facing Annie she said "Well, I wasn't sure if they knew." No fucking shit, how would we know? I've never said more than ten words to this lady, why on God's green fucking earth would you ever bring this topic up over lunch...two weeks after the fact? What ever happened to talking about polite shit like weather, and, oh, I don't know, pap smears. Anything other than her mother's passing and her father's kidnapping (whatever the hell that was about) and imminent death.

Annie was doing her best to hold it together but she was on the verge of crying. Even I, the most callous bastard alive, felt badly for her. She said "Yes, she passed away two weeks ago" then searched for the right words and continued "...but I'm not really sure this is appropriate lunch conversation."

That's exactly what I was thinking! With that I landed a precision shot to Martha's right shin and shot her a "shut the fuck up" look.

As much as I love watching humanity crumble to dust, this was really ruining my sub. I decided to change the topic and blurted out "Vienna!". Betty nearly snarfed a strand of lettuce out of her nose. "I need to go to Vienna, VA today, anyone know where that is?" It was the most thinly veiled attempt at changing an awkward subject in the history of man, but desperate times call for desperate measures. "First I have to stop in Springfield, then I have to be in Vienna at 3pm. Will I hit traffic on my way there? Will I-66 be one-way by then?"

With that the horror ended.

What the fuck is wrong with chicks? Jagaloons.