Morning Duece

There are few things as awkward and uncomfortable as having to take your morning constitutional while a "house guest" from the evening before is still over. It stresses me out and usually leads to me rush the girl out the door in the morning. My guess is that most girls think I'm rushing them out of the house solely because I want to get rid of them. I do admit this is sometimes the case, but not always. Sometimes I really like the girl and don't want them to have to hear and smell me relieving myself.

I know it's natural and everyone does it, but let's face it, a smelly morning shit isn't sexy to anyone. It's an especially giant turn-off if you just met the person and/or it is the first time she stayed over your house. But what are we supposed to do?

Sure, you can march into the bathroom and smash away, embracing nature, but that's just uncouth early in the relationship. You can pretend your taking a shower, run the water, and try to take a really quiet crap, but even if you hide the sounds you still have to contend with the odor. Or you can rush the girl home and crap in peace, which is what I prefer. The problem here is you run the risk of sending the message "I loathe you and want you out of my home".

What I never understood is how a girl can wake up at my place and casually lounge around the house all morning. Doesn't she have to shit? I'm tap dancing around my place like Sammy Davis Jr and she's watching the Food Network. How is that possible that she doesn't have to go?

Maybe girls are on an evening shit schedule. My friend C-roc is a principal and can't shit in the morning, so he's on an evening schedule. He craps after dinner, which is counter intuitive to me because you're piling crap on top of crap. It only makes sense to me that you would want to clear your system out in the morning to make room for the day's meals.

I tried shifting to an evening schedule once. For a whole week I didn't allow myself to shit in the morning, I only went when I got home from work. It was impossible to convince my body this was the best plan. I was constipated and ornery all day and when I finally got home and would allow myself to go, I no longer had the urge. I'd force myself to go, and that just isn't the same. There was great potential of improving my love life, but my body had other plans.

My biggest fear is that I will postpone my morning shit so that I don't rush the girl out, but then have to take an emergency shit while she's still there. You know, one of those MyshitiscominginfivesecondswhetherIlikeitornot! shits. The ones where you're unbuttoning your pants as you run to the toilet to save time and hopefully avoid crapping in your pants like a child. It's never happened to me, but I dread it. The thought alone makes me cringe.

When I renovated my house I thought I was really clever and installed the biggest, most efficient ventilation fan I could find. It moves more air than a car painting booth. The problem is that it's loud, so as soon as you turn that thing on everyone in the house knows what you're doing in there. You click on the switch and the motor cycles up, then the air start sucking out of the room: Varoooooooom-annnnnhhhhhHHHH-WHOOOOOOOOSHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!.... I may as well hang a sign on the door announcing what I'm doing in the bathroom.

The best is when I stay over a girls place. I have a built in excuse to go home, I just say I have to let my dog out.