The Model

My mother is a painter and is part of a group that meets weekly to collaborate and paint together. On occasion they hire models to pose for them. Last month when I was home visiting the family my mom said "You have to meet my newest model, she's lovely." My mom uses the term "lovely" to describe all manner of things. A salad, an eighty year old woman, or a bronze door knocker could all be deemed "lovely" by my mom. So when she tells me that she has met a young lady I have to meet who is "lovely" I'm skeptical.

On the second night I was home my mom said "Let's go to the bar that the model is working at tonight, I would love for you to meet her." In the thirty three years I have been alive I have never once been even remotely attracted to anyone my mother or her friends have tried to set me up with. The girls she thinks are "lovely" may be very nice people, but they have all been hideous. Trust me, it's like the cast of a fucking zombie movie. I recoiled at the idea of making forced conversation with some heifer that my mom paints once a week. Plus, she lives four hundred miles away from me. There aren't too many women I would date long distance, the list pretty much starts and ends at Maria Sharapova. But I agreed because there are some things you just have to do for your mom.

I threw on a t-shirt and a pair of jeans and headed for the door. My mom said "Oh no you don't, you can't wear that, you have to go put on a nice shirt." (FYI - "nice" is the masculine form of the feminine adjective "lovely" in mom-ease). It was too hot out to argue. I changed into a button down shirt and we left. My mom knew I wasn't psyched about the deal and on the way there she said "Now, you need to be sharp, she's really sassy. Don't be a mope..." Oh, Christ.

While I was getting pointers all I could think about was that my mom has already seen this girl naked, and how weird it would be if I hooked up with her. I was tempted to ask my mom if the model had a Brazilian wax job. I figured that would cause such a ruckus that she would make me turn the car around and I could spend the rest of the night sitting on the couch drinking beer. While exactly what I wanted to do, I decided against it.

You know where this story is headed. We showed up to the bar and the girl was stunning and fucking awesome. She was totally cool. She was my height, in really great shape, long black hair, pretty face. My mom was right, "sassy" was the perfect term to describe her, she's like a ball of atomic energy. She's a singer and is moving to San Francisco in a few months to attend a yoga school. Yeah, she's a free spirit and maybe lacks some direction at the moment, but who gives a shit.

We're going to call her the Model.

I really enjoyed talking to her. After a few drinks I cleared the tab and we left.

On the car ride home my mom said "She really liked you.", and I asked how she knew that? Mom said "When you weren't looking she mouthed to me 'He's hot'." This was a very uncomfortable conversation to have with my 68 year old mother.

We didn't talk about the Model anymore while I was home. A couple of weeks later I asked my mom the Model's last name and stalked (friended) her on Facebook. I said that if she's ever in DC she should let me know, I would show her around. The next day she sent me a message saying that she would be here the weekend of the 25th.

The Model is arriving this afternoon. She staying with friends this weekend and asked if we could meet up for drinks tonight. Will be interesting to see where this goes. I think it's an all or nothing situation.