The Charlotte Karo Show

Last week I was in North Carolina for work. I knew that a comedian and author I like, Aaron Karo, was doing a stand up show in Charlotte on Thursday night and planned my travel so that I would be in town and could attend. It would prove to be a great bit of planning.

Doors to the show opened at 8pm, so I drove to the venue at 7pm to get my bearings then found a restaurant nearby to get some dinner. The steakhouse was packed with well-dressed patrons just getting off work. Since I usually don't know anyone in the towns I travel to for work I brought a book along to dinner to entertain myself. While I was sipping my vodka and reading I felt a hand brush against my lower back. I expected to see a waitress looking to get at the bar, but instead there was a blond cougar. She moved her hand to my leg and said "So, is this your tactic to meet women? You bring a book and ignore all the single ladies?" I was caught way off guard and wasn't sure how to respond. I mumbled something and the cougar continued. "Most guys just watch sports on the TV's, but reading a book is a great tactic, it's so sexy." In my mind I quietly thanked Mrs. B., my kindergarten teacher, for teaching me to read. I said "I don't really like sports, and don't know anyone here, so I brought a book along to pass the time."

The cougar: I don't know exactly how old the cougar was, I would guess about 37. She was around 5'5", blond, thin with a nice body. She had on white pants, a low-cut blouse, and high heeled shoes. I'll just call her Cougar.

All the seats at the bar were full so Cougar and I chatted while she stood between me and the guy sitting next to me. It was awkward because he was about ten inches away and heard our whole conversation. Cougar asked what I was doing in town, and where I was from. We didn't have much common ground to talk about so we went through the compulsory nonsense: where we're from, what we do for work, how often I'm in Charlotte, etc. After ten minutes my salad came and Cougar said "Well, eat your salad, honey, we can have a drink and talk when you're done."

Cougar then left and went and sat alone at a table towards the rear of the bar. The guy next to me, who was there with two buddies, said "Do you know that woman?" I said I had never seen her before. He nodded and said "Not bad for a Thursday."

The three guys next to me left just as I finished my steak, so Cougar came over and sat next to me. We finished our drinks and she asked if I would like another. I declined and said that I was actually in a hurry to get to the club to see the Karo show. I explained who Karo was then asked her if she would like to join me. She agreed, so I cleared my tab and we walked out together. Just before I left the bartender, who was a young dude, said "Welcome to Charlotte!"

I got my car and Cougar pulled around in a brand new Lexus with these really tacky blinged-out chrome rims. She followed me the ten blocks to the club and we parked. The drive couldn't have been more than six minutes, but in that time Cougar went from seemingly fine to completely hammered. I generally don't do drugs, and am not sure I'm qualified to judge, but I can't help but think that she did something in the car on the way there. There just doesn't seem to be any other excuse for how out of control she got in such a short time. She kept asking me my name, and where I was from. Aaron Karo has all these great hook-up stories, so I kept thinking that however annoying she was, at least I might get a good story out of all this. Classic understatement.

I paid our way into the show, so Cougar said she wanted to buy me drinks. Tickets for the show were only $10 each, but I agreed anyway. I said "I'll have a beer, and let's do a shot." She said "OK, tequila. Doubles." OK, if that's how you roll. We ordered the drinks and chatted for a few minutes. A terrible opening act took the stage and I decided to make things interesting by suggesting we take a seat up front. It was a fortuitous call. As soon as we sat down Cougar began shouting at the comedian. At first she was funny, lightly heckling him, but her comments soon turned malicious. The poor guy kept losing his place and fucking up his punch lines. He was bad to begin with, but with Cougar shouting at him his act completely derailed. The guy was absolutely lost on stage and I was starting to get dirty looks from the crowd for bringing the belligerent drunk along to the show. I decided I needed to put a little space between Cougar and I so when the opening act left the stage I told her I was going to get us another round.

At the bar I met this really hot red head and a little Indian girl (dot, not feather). I chatted with them until Cougar made her way, drunkenly, to the bar. She said "Enough beer, why don't you have a real drink", then shouted to the bartender "Hey, I used to tend bar, get over here and get us some drinks!" I'm all for raucous behavior, but when you start being rude to the bartenders I draw the line. I said to her "Why don't you save our seats, I'll get this round." Our seats had already been filled, so she found two seats at the back of the tiny venue and resumed her assault as soon as Karo took the stage."

I don't recall exactly what she was saying, it was mostly just incoherent ranting, but everyone in the small venue (perhaps 150 people) were getting pissed, me included. I needed to distance myself more so I resumed my talks with the red head and the Indian. While we talked I could hear the Cougar's annoying shrill trumping Karo's routine. She was simultaneously taunting the crowd and Karo. I had had enough. I grabbed a bouncer as he walked by and said "Hey, the blond in the back is out of control, I think you should kick her out." He looked at my quizzically and said "Didn't you come with her?" I said "Listen, dude, I met her an hour ago at a restaurant. She's annoying as fuck, I'll give you $50 to throw her out." The bouncer declined but the red head thought this was hysterical. She said "If she leaves we should get a drink afterwards. I turned to the bouncer and said "Make it $100".

Just then I heard a guy shout "Shut the fuck up! Shut up! We can't hear the show! shut your fucking mouth" then I think he called Cougar a "whore". Wow, that was over the top, but perhaps not out of line given the major disruption Cougar was causing. She really was ruining the show. I looked at the bouncer and repeated "One hundred, man. Toss her!" Cougar and the guy kept yelling at each other, and Karo had completely stopped his act to watch what was unfolding in the crowd. Cougar wasn't done. She turned to the guy and said "You're fucking rude. And you have anger issues. You need to get your dick sucked more often!" Karo, not one to miss a beat, said to Cougar "It seems that would kill two birds with one stone if you did it." The place went wild. Cougar was losing ground, so she turned her ire on me. She saw I was still talking to the red head so, standing on her seat she shouted at me "And you! Are you going to fuck her instead of me tonight?" I thought 'Oh boy, this isn't going well.' The red head laughed it off then turned to me and said "Have fun tonight.", and walked off. Even my little Indian friend abandoned me.

Cougar left her seat and came to the bar. "You're an asshole! Do you like those girls?" I needed a diversion so I found the guy in the crowd who had yelled at Cougar and said "Hey, isn't that the dude who called you a whore?" He was walking outside to have a cigarette so she gave chase while I enjoyed the show. Cougar and the other heckler were outside for about fifteen minutes, presumably trading fists. Karo said "What the fuck was I talking about?", then went on with his act. The bouncer, who moments before I had tried to bribe to kick Cougar out, came over to me and said "I think your girl is outside fighting in the parking lot." I said "First of all, she's not my girl. Secondly, isn't that better than in here causing mayhem?" He agreed the situation was greatly improved with Cougar outside and walked over to the door to see if anyone had been knocked out. I finished my vodka then decided I should check on the situation.

Outside, I found that Cougar and the heckler had made up, and that she had even given him her card for some reason. I said to her "Hey, I think the show is pretty much over for us, maybe we should get out of here." She still wasn't happy with me for talking to those other girls, but reluctantly agreed to leave. In the parking lot I asked her if I could drive her home and she said "I live half a mile from the South Carolina border, it's too far from here, where are you staying?" It never occurred to me that this tumultuous meeting would still wind up in sex. I said "My hotel is about ten minutes from here, hop in, I'll drive." She declined and insisted that she was fine to drive. I tried unsuccessfully for another ten minutes to convince her she shouldn't be behind the wheel, but she maintained that she was OK.

Side note: Is it my fiduciary responsibility to be this chicks moral barometer? Was it really my job to keep her off the road while she maintained she was "fine" to operate a vehicle? I mean, if I told her to fuck off and left, she would drive home anyway, so what is my role in this situation? Sure, she could swerve off the road and kill herself, or worse, some innocent pedestrian or driver, but how can I really stop her from driving? Her keys weren't out, so I couldn't snatch them from her hands and insist she come with me or take a cab. I figured the next best thing would be to tell her to CAREFULLY follow me from a safe distance. She thought this sounded like a plan and agreed.

Halfway to the hotel Cougar starts flashing her lights and honking. I thought "What the fuck!" and pulled into a parking lot. Cougar pulled in behind me and parked in a space. I looked up and realized she had made me stop at a bar. As she got out of the car I rolled my window down and said "What are you doing?" She said "We're getting a drink here", as if that was the plan all along. "The hell we are!" I shouted, "Get back in the car or I'm leaving you." Without saying a word she got back in her car and I pulled out with nutsy Cougar giving chase.

The remainder of the drive was high comedy. I spent most of the time looking in the rearview mirror ready to take evasive maneuvers if I thought she was going to slam into me. To my surprise, though, her driving seemed 100%. She wasn't swerving or making any irrational moves. I kept thinking "Man, maybe I'm fucked up, because I think she's driving better than I", even though I knew I was sober.

When we pulled into the garage of my hotel Cougar slipped her car into a tight spot with all the aplomb of Mario Andretti. I was shocked. She popped out and said "Why didn't you want a drink back there?" Man, this chick doesn't give up. I told her it really wasn't necessary at this point, and we made our way into the lobby.

We got into the elevator with three businessmen who totally knew what was going on. I tried to act cool, but Cougar was still a mess and kept licking my neck and grabbing my crotch. I whispered to her "Just try to keep it together for another few minutes, will you.", and was greatly relieved when all three guys got out on the next floor.

When we got to my room Cougar said "Do you have any wine?" I said "Wine, why would I have wine in my hotel room? No, I don't have any wine. Besides, do you really need more wine at this point?" Without waiting for a response I went to the bathroom and took a shower. As soon as I lathered up I heard the door open. Cougar pulled back the curtain, totally naked, and climbed in.

After a quick shower we went to the bed and got under the covers. She grabbed my cock and said "Wrap that thing up." Nice, no foreplay needed here. For the first time in my life I actually considered using two rubbers, and even contemplated if two would be sufficient. I eventually opted for one because I only had three total on me, and correctly assumed this was going to be a long night. Cougar was pretty nuts. She gave me the full crazy cougar treatment. Spanking, dirty talk, she even spit on my once, which I never even saw coming. Mid-fuck, while on top of me, she just spit in my face. I said "What the fuck was that?", and she laughed. I threw her off me, flipped her over, and fucked her from behind doing my best to rupture an ovary. I was pissed. Honestly, who spits in some one's face? We never established that sort of behavior.

We fucked twice more before passing out. I think her pussy had an IV because it was wet all night. In the morning I heard her fumbling around the room looking for her clothes. It was 5:30 or 6am. I was doing a pretty good job of sleeping through it until I heard her talking to herself in the bathroom. "Why is my hair so curly?", then to me, "Did we take a shower last night?". I started laughing and said "Yup." She said "Did I drive here?" More laughing. "Yup." She walked into the bedroom naked trying to comb her fingers through her hair. She was making this distorted, confused, face, and kept looking at her fingers. She said "What's in my hair?" I didn't even dignify that question with a response.

Cougar pulled herself together and found all her belongings. She got dressed, gurgled some mouthwash, then threw her purse over her shoulder. I was still in bed and she asked "Where did I park?" I said level two. After all this, the ruined show, the spitting, the complete black-out, Cougar had the audacity to say "I'm going to be in Washington in July, want to get together?" No response. I was stunned. She continued "I'm going to be there Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, maybe I can just stay the weekend?"

Let's just say the answer was a resounding "NO!".

End Note: I had Karo's email address so in the morning I emailed him and told him that I had brought the crazy blond to the show and apologized for her behavior. He said "Shit happens, bro" and told me that the other heckler had given him her card as a souviner.