Legs Like a Piano

"Hi-five, nice shot NN", says Kay's boyfriend, Adrian Fenty's Mini-me, to me after a particularly good shot during a game of corn hole. "Yeah, thanks little guy!" I said, resisting the urge to throw him into a headlock and give him noogies on his tiny shaved melon. I looked across the lawn and saw Kay and Poonani chatting together. It was about then that Martin, Kay's pre-NN ex, pulled into the driveway, staring, mouth agape at the scene.

I wish I could say this was a dream, at least then I would be able to wake up and have it be over. No, this was a real-life. A nightmare unfolding before my eyes in living color. Go ahead and have a chuckle, I know I did.

This fiasco started about two months ago when Chuck told me that he was having a little party to celebrate his wife's pregnancy. I said "Like a baby shower?" Chuck was quick to say "No, not like a baby shower, it's just a BBQ at Brad's house. It's an excuse to drink his booze and mess up his house. You can even take a big deuce in his master bathroom if you want. It'll be fun.". It sounded like a baby shower to me.

A week later a pink invitation with diaper and baby bottle graphics came in the mail. At the very bottom was a website with their registry. Definitely a baby shower. I called C-Roc and said "Chuck's having a coed baby shower!" Being married with a baby and one more in the oven C-Roc said "Are you fucking kidding me, Chuck's having a 'Jack and Jill' baby shower! Jesus, I can't wait to crucify him for this." He was practically pissing himself he was laughing so hard and had to hang up because he couldn't talk.

I looked closer at the date and realized I was going on a motorcycle trip to Canada with some buddies and that I wouldn't be able to make it. Then, last week, fate took a cruel turn and our bike trip was moved. I no longer had an excuse, I had to go to the fucking baby shower.

Chuck tried to assuage my fears. He insisted it was just a BBQ. There would be none of the normal baby shower antics. No games. No opening of presents. Just beer, burgers, and maybe some corn hole. I reluctantly agreed to go.

Chuck lied like a carnival charlatan.

As soon as I pulled up to Brad's house and saw the pink decorations on his front lawn I knew I had been duped. The back yard was even worse. There were baby bottle pinatas hanging from the trees, sparkly pink table clothes, and on one long table, four naked life-sized dolls and a stack of Pampers. I assumed my spot in a lone chair next to the bar and began my IV of Captain and Cokes. As the trickle slowly numbed the pain Kay strolled in wearing a short sundress and suddenly everything in the world was right again. The decorations, the deception, I was redeemed because Kay's legs had doubled in size. Those legs should be holding up a Steinway. There is no sweeter retribution than a lying ex that gets fat. I thought "There is a God and He's a man!"

My mood immediately shifted. I didn't care that Poonani was invited and orbited me like a black moon for four hours. I didn't care that I had to talk about water weight and Graco car seats. I didn't even care when Fenty's Mini-me showed up because he was dating elephant thighs instead of me. I dodged a silver bullet. I always knew Kay was going to get fat, I just never thought I would realize the satisfaction so soon. I figured that was a long-term annuity that would pay off some time in the distant future like that 401(k) from my first job. It was Christmas in June.

So, when someone said "We need a forth for corn hole" and I saw Mini-me standing there I was the first one to throw my hand up and say "Yup, I'm in!" I then sauntered over to Mini-me and said "Hey, how ya doin', I'm NN!"

Now, there has been a little tension between Martin and I the past few months even though he claimed to have condoned me dating his ex. We've been cordial, but that's about it. However, a few hours after he showed up we were standing at the bar together mixing drinks when Kay came into view. She was standing there with those two mighty oaks and Martin and I sipped our drinks in silence. Then Martin turned to me and said "Hey, give me your number, I'm having a party at my house in two weeks, you should stop by." A bond had been formed. We few, we happy few, we band of brothers.