The Most Destructive Friday Of My Life

11:00am: Arrive at DMV inspection station and have Harley inspected by very nice employee. As I leave I think how efficient DMV is. It is the last time I ever think that.

11:16am: Arrive at M Street DMV. Receive ticket #A097. They are currently serving ticket #A043.

1:45: I finish reading the three magazines I have brought with me for entertainment. I have seen the five informational videos they play on a loop over thirty eight times each and have committed to memory what documents both US and non-US residents need to obtain a DC driver's license. I will never use this information constructively.

2:07: Ticket #A097 is called to window #9. I hand the employee my papers. He is wearing headphones and can hear angry rap music blaring at ear-drum shattering levels. I can not recall over seeing service industry representative wearing headphones. Deaf Employee hands me back a piece of paper and yells "Need to fill it out. Come back."

2:09: Return to Deaf Employee with completed form. He shuffles papers, hits seven keys on computer, scribbles something on a form and shouts "$790." I question his math. Deaf Employee explains math. Most of the fee is from the 6% Excise Tax. Tax is based on NADA retail vehicle value of a bike that isn't even my model, which is TWICE what I paid for the bike. I told Deaf Employee his assumptions and calculations are incorrect, and that pursuant to DC regulations if he cannot find my vehicle in NADA he must use the purchase price per the Bill of Sale.

2:10: Deaf Employee takes ticket number A097 away from me and says "You need to speak to a manager" and hands me my papers.

2:11: Issued ticket #M846.

2:13: Ticket #M843 is called to window #8.

3:10: Ticket #M844 is called to window #8.

4:15: Ticket #M845 is called to window #8.

4:16: I approach main counter in fit of rage and ask to immediately speak to a manager. Severely overweight and stupid employee eating a Snickers bar informs me that I will need a ticket for that, and that they do not issue tickets after 4pm. I explain I have a ticket. Severely overweight and stupid employee says that I must wait my turn, and continues to eat his Snickers bar. I have not eaten lunch and ponder repercussions of killing him and eating his Snickers bar. Determine repercussions would be grave and take my seat.

5:07: Ticket #M846 is called to window #8. I arrive at window to find short foreign man in 18th century knickers, puffy pirate shirt, scarf, straw hat, and knee-high leather boots arguing with Stubborn Employee over $7 registration fee. You cannot make this shit up.

5:14: Seven dollar debate still raging. I inform Chippetto that his time is up, my number has been called to window #8, and if he doesn't leave I will stuff seven one-dollar bills down his esophagus and terminate his breathing rights. He looks confused. Stubborn Employee tells me that if I don't have a seat security will remove me from the premises. Stubborn Employee's threats trump mine. I take seat once again.

5:26: Stubborn Employee calls me to window #8 with non-verbal cues (pursed lips and hands on hips). I explain my reasons why vehicle value is incorrect. Stubborn Employee says my logic is faulty, INCREASES the value by ten percent, and tells me that my new fee is $825!

5:26:07: I fly into nonsensical curse-laden tirade insulting Stubborn Employee, her intelligence, her ancestors, her children, and her unborn grandchildren and great grandchildren. At the end of tirade I nearly break down into tears. I explain I have been there since 11am, I haven't eaten lunch, and that I can only surmise they are attempting to bilk me out of $412 through a campaign of psychological trickery based on repetitively-played mind numbing videos on required documents for licenses. Stubborn Employee is appalled that I have been at DMV for nearly six hours, and in unexpected act of sympathy reduces my fees to $360. I regret wishing cancer on all her living relatives and apologize to her.

6:42pm: Arrive home and have double vodka on rocks. Receive text from Andy asking if I would like to go to party at bar on Pennsylvania Ave. I agree. Andy says will pick me up at 7:15.

7pm: Have second double vodka on rocks.

7:20: While pouring double vodka and Red Bull Andy informs me he will be there in 30 minutes. I warm him that I am averaging a double vodka every 15 minutes. He says he will drive faster, there in 15 minutes.

7:42: Andy arrives, take vodka Red Bull "roadie" in red solo cup for 3/5 of mile drive to bar.

7:51: Arrive at bar. Chug drink in car. Order double vodka and Red Bull. Bartender, semi-ugly blond with backless shirt, refuses to serve me double. I settle for two singles.

8:30: Inexplicably switch to Corona. Blond bartender is not as ugly anymore. I ask her how she wears a bra under backless shirt. She informs me she is not wearing one.

8:52: Order another Corona. Blond bartender makes male bartender serve me.

9:01: Blond girl at party introduces herself. She has accent, I ask where she is from. She makes mocking face at me, says Lithuania. I ask how she likes being Russian. She says not Russian, Lithuanian. I ask if she strips and escorts, or just strips. She becomes incensed and calls me an asshole. I ask her how long she has to hook for before Russian Mob gives her passport back. She walks away from me.

9:18: Order Corona from now-hot Blond Bartender, then ask if she uses duct tape to hold up breasts. She says no, uses nothing. I ask her to prove it and show me and then I will believe her. She declines my offer.

9:40: I announce to large group of guys that Blond Bartender (that now looks like runway model) uses duct tape to hold breasts up. Blond Bartender overhears this and vehemently denies. We dare her to prove it. Again, she declines.

10pm: Upon finishing two more Corona I (surprisingly) clear tab and stumble out of bar.

10:34: [found credit card receipt in morning, don't recall this] Close tab at Lola's. Had one beer (Corona?) and one shot of tequila.

6:45am: Wake up in bed with crushing headache. Sense another human being near me. Roll over and see head of long bushy brown hair. Poke head with finger. It rolls over. It is Bear. I am not pleased. I ask how she got there. Bear informs me that I showed up on her doorstep at 11pm nearly unable to stand up and tell her that "I am not here for a booty call, I just want to have sex". I ask Bear if we did. She says no. I ask her if we can. She says no. Too much talking makes me nauseous, I fall back asleep.

10:31am: Phone rings. Friend Chuck asks what I am doing. Inform Chuck he doesn't want to know and hang up on him.

11am: Drop Bear off at her house. Drive back home and pass out until dinner. Spend rest of evening sulking about horrific prior evening. Ground myself to prevent further catastrophes. I blame entire episode on DC DMV.