Breakups

Last night I had one successful and one unsuccessful breakup. I was really apprehensive before I made the calls, much more so than in recent memory. Actually, I think I was more nervous calling to break up with them than I was the first time I called to ask them out.

I called Beads then Tiny, but got VM for both. I left fairly monotone messages to the effect of "Hey, it's NN, give me a call when you get this", that hinted neither to doom nor dates. I still had no real plan or script of what I was going to say, but I wasn't making any progress coming up with material so I just made the calls, I'd worry about what to say later.

I knew it would go more smoothly with Beads because I had a reason to break up with her; she was annoying me. The reason offered proper motivation so I knew the words would come to me. Tiny was harder because I do like her. I think she's smart, and cool, and is an interesting person, but she's just not right for me. She's a little too quiet or at least not engaging enough.

The apprehension of getting calls back made me nervous, which in typical fashion led me to clean. I vacuumed my car, emptied the dishwasher, swept the hallways. There has to be a psychological term for people who compulsively clean when they are nervous.

Midway through rearranging a cluttered bookshelf my phone rang. Dread and relief hit me simultaneously. I looked and saw it was Beads. I answered and she said she was on the bus on her way home. We talked for a minute, then I asked her to call me when she got home. I think she knew something was up. Fifteen minutes later Beads called and I began my incoherent ramblings about how "it's not you, it's me", "I don't want to lead you on", and "I'm not looking for anything serious right now". I used every cliche in the book. She cried a little, but ultimately she took it fairly well. She said she was not looking to settle down and get married tomorrow, or even next month, but she was looking for something serious and if I wasn't than it was best if we moved on. There were a few minutes of uncomfortable silence, then we said good bye and that was it.

Tiny didn't go as well. When she called me back she was in high spirits. She told me all about her trip, and how great it was there but how nice it was to be back. I just didn't have the heart to do it, perhaps because I was somewhat drained from teh last call. She invited me over for dinner Friday night and I accepted like a mindless zombie, "Yeah, sounds great". What a jerkoff.

I talked to one of my older sisters this morning and explained the situation. Her advise was to change the plans from dinner to drinks and then do it in person. I don't know if in person is better than over the phone in this situation, but I need to steel my resolve and just do it on Friday. Clean break even though I feel badly about this one.

With all this "break up" talk it's hard for me to focus on my date with Stella tonight. I felt pretty badly last night, but this morning I woke up excited. Actually, I didn't sleep very well and was up at 5am cleaning my place to get ready for tonight. I had become complacent about keeping my house clean the past few months so this morning I removed a lot of the clutter than had built up. I hope I didn't jinx myself, but I also changed my sheets.