Babies

I currently have three buddies with pregnant wives, and one more trying to get his wife pregnant for the second time. Babies are hard to have, and hard to raise. The big surprise to me is how hard they are to make. Who knew baby-making was such difficult business. One out of every two of my friends' wives had miscarriages at least once, and roughly the same percentage had difficulty conceiving at all and had to use various fertility drugs to help the process along. I don't want to sounds preachy here, and I'm all for kids so long as they aren't mine, but what's the rush? I can't help but think that all this pressure to have babies may be a big part of the problem conceiving.

One of my friends has a three year old, and he and his wife are trying for their second, and are having some issues. They had their first child the old fashioned way, au-natural, but they are getting a little impatient this time around and decided to try a infertility clinic. He went to the clinic on Monday to test his sperm count and received the following instructions: ejaculate Monday, abstain from ejaculation (whether by sex or masturbation) Tuesday through Friday, then come into the clinic at 8am Friday and ejaculate into a cup.

I suppose if you're really committed to having another kid this is no big deal, but to me it sounds pretty invasive. There are a few things I will allow people to tell me I can and can't do, but I draw the line at my ejaculation schedule.

Let's set that aside for a moment and talk about Friday morning. You could really have some fun with that. Wouldn't it be great to show up Friday morning with your wife, a swing, and maybe a baboon, a set of golf clubs and a vacuum, then make believe it's business as usual. You know, roll in a hand truck with all these really outlandish props then disappear into the room and come out four or five hours later all sweaty with the cup filled to the brim with jizz. If I'm ever put in this scenario, and those are really long odds, I would have to come up with a way to give those nurses something to remember me by.

I wanted to know if it had to be a solo act. Can you go in with your wife? Why do you have to jerk off, couldn't you get head then cum in the cup? He didn't know the answer to that, and I was like "You mean you didn't fucking ask?". That would be the first thing I'd want to know.

But my friend is pretty conservative, and would never do any of this nonsense. I established he was going in alone, so my second question to him was "How long are you going to stay in the room?", do you go in for a quickie jerk like you're expecting your wife to come home at any moment, or do you make yourself comfortable and check out their porn collection. Because, really, there isn't anything more exciting than a new porn stash. I can see me going in there at 8am, and coming out of the room and finding all the lights off and the place locked up for the weekend. I wouldn't even care, I'd just do a u-turn and go right back in the room. I'd be happy as a clown snapping it until Monday morning.

If you think about it, that whole situation is potentially embarrassing to most people. Few things in society are more taboo than masturbation, and there you are walking down the hallway with a cup that you're about to jerk off into. Of all the nonsense women have to endure in life, OBGYN appointments, mammograms, giving birth, jerking off into a cup is the one honor we guys keep all to ourselves, and it's a big one.