Jaws

NN: So, what brought you to DC?
Jaws: An ex.
NN: Ohhh...how do you like it here so far?
Jaws: I really haven't seen much of the city, he was an alcoholic so I spent most of the past year taking care of his two kids while he drank all day.
NN: (nervously looking around for bartender) Been to any of the museums, there are some great ones here?
Jaws: No.

That is one minute of a 4-hour date last night that I simply couldn't find a way to politely end. The girl was Jaws, a chick I met online. I call her Jaws because she had the most pronounced chin and jaw bone I've ever seen. I knew from the moment she opened her front door that I wasn't going to get along with her. If it were up to me the night would have gone something like this:

Knock, knock, knock... (door opens) "Oh, hi, you must be NN.", "Yes, and you're Jaws, nice to meet you. You have a good night, now, I'll give you a call sometime." Then I would walk back to my car and go home.

Instead, I endured hours of tedium because I couldn't find a way to end the night and take her the hell home.

Jaws and I went to a bar on Pennsylvania Ave. We each ordered a beer and sat there in awkward silence for about 30 seconds, which seemed like forever and a day. Finally, I started the conversation as noted above. I dragged that out for close to a half hour before she said "I have to step outside for a moment". I thought to myself "hopefully in front of a moving bus", but I'm not that lucky. She went outside and smoked a cigarette with the bartender, which was unfortunate for me because that meant that I couldn't pull him aside and say "Look, dude, here's my credit card, close out our tab ASAP and I'll give you a big tip."

And thus we established a pattern. We would "talk" for thirty minutes, then she would go outside and smoke with the bartender for five minutes. By "talk" I mean I would ask her questions, and she would give one-word responses. Repeat. At 10pm we were both about finished with our drinks, and she was due for a cigarette, so I started frantically gesturing for the bartender to come over. When he got to our table Jaws said "Are you hungry, want to order some food?" Fuuuuuuuck! I couldn't be rude. I wanted to, but I just couldn't muster the gumption to saw "No, we'd like a check" or come up with a lame, unbelievable, excuse to leave. Instead I mumbled "Sure, what looks good to you."

It took us two agonizing hours to finish dinner, by the end of which I had grown bitter. I could no longer feign interest in her. I was now lounging with my feet up in the booth (it was a dive bar, it was acceptable). We were still "talking", but I didn't feel the need to rip the conversation out of her. She must have been a little drunk because she was starting to talk, albeit about church and hunting deer (you can't make this shit up, I dare you to even try).

After some crazy story about her watching her cat pick at a deer carcass that one of her brother's had shot, I motioned the bartender over. Our drinks were empty, but I wasn't going to give her an opportunity to prolong the night any further. When he came over to our table he said "Can I g...." but before he could finish his sentence I slapped my credit card in his hand and shook my head from side to side. He took the hint and walked away.

Jaws didn't seem all that disappointed, perhaps she was having as much fun as I. Who knows. I paid the check and we left.

Jaws had one more surprise in store for me, though. When we got outside she lit up another cigarette. She smoked it as we walked to the car and when we got there she stopped and stood on the sidewalk. Mind you, it was 20 degrees outside. I stood there for a few minutes freezing my ass off, in silence, while she smoked, until finally I said "I'll warm up the car." I got in, started the car, then waited a good five minutes for her to finish her butt and check her fucking email on her Blackberry. I mumbled obscenities the whole time.

When we got to her house I didn't even make believe I was going to walk her to her door. I stopped in front of her place and only said "Well, good night". Normally after a bad date I will say something encouraging like "I had fun" or "I'll give you a call", but I couldn't summon the audacity for such blatant lies. As she opened the car door there was a slight moment of awkwardness where she wasn't sure if she should hug or kiss me, but I ended that quickly by simply giving her a wave. I just held up my right hand and said "Night!" I did wait for her to get to the front door of her house, but I saw her light up another cigarette and said "Fuck this", and took off.

Just another crazy girl in DC.