Dick Twitch

The slightest things can turn me on during the day. It's frustrating that I can't control my own body, but at the same time it's exciting to me that such a wide array of signals can have such a profound affect.

For me there are two types of sexual arousal; intentional and unintentional. Intentional would be looking at porn. Unintentional is basically everything else. In turn there are two reactions to either type; a full-blown hard on, or what I refer to as a "dick twitch" or simply a twitch. I trust you all know what a hard on is, so I won't elaborate. A twitch is a slight involuntary penile acknowledgement of sexual stimulation. I cannot make myself twitch anymore than I make my heart beat or not beat. For the female audience who can never understand "why that thing is hard", try making your heart stop for twenty seconds using only your mind and you will begin to understand the level of control men have over their dicks. I mean, the best we've come up with for slowing the rise of a hard on is chanting "grandma naked grandma naked grandma naked".

So, you ask, what causes a twitch? Well, it's the strangest things. A suggestive billboard, a bra strap, a woman eating a banana. Today I passed by an office and saw a young female intern bent over a desk looking at a computer screen and I got a huge twitch. She wasn't even that great looking. It was just the sight of an ass in a skirt in a semi-sexual position and bang - twitch. Some other obvious twitch inducers are cleavage, pantie-lines, the top of a thong showing above a pair of jeans. Sometimes they are less obvious, like a really high pair of black leather boots, or when a girl picks something up off the ground without bending her knees. Sometimes it's the lack of a visual, like NOT seeing a pantie line - a hint that a woman isn't wearing underwear. It doesn't even have to be visual. Sometimes I have twitches from audio cues. Ever been to a female tennis match? Yeah, all that moaning. I have twitches before I even get into the stadium. Once I get in there...ha...forget it! All those fucking Russian chicks running around in spandex and short skirts grunting. That's almost intentional, like porn. Ladies, if a guy takes you to a female pro-tennis match it's almost like he's taking you to a strip club.

The gym is twitch central for me. The outfits, the audio, the sweat, holy shit it's sensory overload. People say that the way a woman dances is the way she makes love. I say the way a woman works out is the way she makes love. If she's in there tossing around the weights, sprinting on the treadmill, sweating like a pig, that's the girl I want to roll around with. You can have the girls who leave the gym with perfect hair and smelling like roses.

Sometimes girls that repulse me make me twitch. This really pisses me off because it reminds me that I simply cannot control a very important part of my anatomy. She could be old and busted, but she says or does something and then, twitch! I always have the same reaction, "Oh, really? Come on."

I know it's juvenile, but the beach is quite possibly the worst for me in terms of twitches. If I go to the beach with a girl I am very careful about our seating arrangement. I cannot, repeat cannot, be facing a girl's crotch. Just seeing pussy with so little covering it can quickly turn a twitch into a hard on. And then there's when a girls bikini bottom gets stuck in her butt a little, and one cheek hangs out, exposing some tan line. TWITCH!

Girls, I shouldn't be telling you all this. I'm showing you the man behind the curtain. The Wizard. I must be breaking some section of the man-code.

Imagine if every time a man twitched he made a slight noise! A girl walked into the cafeteria at work with a slightly revealing top and all of a sudden there was a cacophony of beeps, whistles, and honks! How awesome would that be. That's like a Dr. Suess book.

In truth, this probably isn't all that much of a surprise to women. I mean, who am I kidding. Girls know what turns us on.