Heavy Asian Girl

Last Monday my buddy D-Ron was telling me about all the girls he was meeting online, and I explained that I have had zero luck with that. I think it's a place for pedophiles and fat people to trawl for victims. He insisted that all I needed was a quick confidence boost and that the web was the way to go.

In response I plunked down something like $30 for an online membership. My rationale was that $30 is a nothing, so what can it hurt. Turns out plenty.

Within 24 hours of posting my profile I received an email from an Asian girl named Betsy. She had a really pretty face but the photos were either blurry or close-ups of her face, so a red flag was immediately raised that she must be "curvy". However, there was one photo that appeared to be of her in bed with not much on, which is always intriguing. I received a lot of other emails and strange online communications, but Betsy was the most forward and sent me her phone number, so I gave her a call.

We chatted for almost 45 minutes on the phone that night, and made plans to meet for drinks in Dupont on Thursday. She suggested some place that was "pet friendly" so she could bring her dog: second red flag. I suggested a human-only date, so we agreed on a place and time.

I showed up at the appointed time and no Betsy. Twenty minutes later I got a text from her saying she was en-route and would be a little late, to which I replied "You're already a little late. You will be very late. Already in trouble" I was kidding around since I really had nothing to lose. She responded "Yikes, Did I tell u I luv being tackled..." I have no idea what that means.

Besty finally showed up 45 minutes late, and she was a pretty big girl. She had really big boobs, but overall I would say she was overweight, there is no other way of putting it. I immediately ordered another drink (now my third). Betsy talked at me for the next two hours like she had just completed a solo balloon trip around the world and I was the first person she had seen in months. Blah blah blah blah. Does she have no other outlet? My head started to spin, first from the sound of her voice, then from the vodkas, which were catching up with me.

By 11:30 we were both feeling no pain and I was looking for a way out of this. I decided to call her bluff about the sexy bed photo "So, what was up with the lingerie pictures online" which prompted a 11 minutes dissertation on "tasteful" sensual photos. From that point on I only referred to her as Dirty Girl.

It may be useful at this point to walk a mile in Betsy's shoes. What must Betsy be thinking of me? I was well dressed, clean cut, punctual, and engaging. However, I clearly drank too much as the night (and her stories) wore on and became a little belligerent. My bad, things got a little carried away, which is unusual for me. I really was not enjoying myself and just wanted to leave. I suppose she would classify me as a "Crazy Guy in DC" story for her friends back home.

The night ended around midnight with a late-night snack of empanadas. I had driven to the metro so I abandoned my car and took a cab home. This was a mistake since I had hidden my keys in my gas cap (now you know my secret hiding spot) and had no way of getting into my house. I ended up crawling through my doggie door at 1am. Honestly, there are very few things more pathetic than a grown man crawling through a 1'x2' plastic hole. Thankfully my dog didn't think I was an intruder and maul me. In the morning I walked back and picked up my car.

I will not call Betsy, and I doubt I will hear from her again.

I'm leaving for the Hamptons on Thursday. I really don't like the Hamptons, but I like the people I am going with and am looking forward to it. I also need some time in the sand.

I saw GG last night running like crazy on the treadmill. She had on a sports bra and spandex "pants" that left almost nothing to the imagination. My blood pressure was stratospheric from work, so I was working out really hard. For my last set of dumbell presses I asked a guy for a spot, and he said "Aw, man, I'm just finishing up here" meaning he was getting ready to leave. I've never had someone say they wouldn't spot me, but he reluctantly agreed. I told him I was going for 4 reps, and started. He took up position next to me, which was very unusual, but since I already had the weights up there wasn't much I could do. I made four reps, then five, and was just letting the weights down to try for a sixth when he suddenly pulled the weight out of my right hand. With an 85 pound dumbell in my other hand I immediately fell off the bench to the left. The dumbell crashed to the floor with a deep THUD and I was now sitting on the floor between the weight and the bench. Great. I looked in a mirror and through a three-way reflection I saw GG staring in my direction slightly laughing. At least I got a laugh out of it. I'm not sure why, but I thanked the guy for the spot.