Judgement

I am often astounded at both how good and how poor my judgement can be. In a matter of seconds I can make both excellent and astonishingly asinine choices. Maybe I'm bipolar and there are a couple of people at the helm.

Friday night I decided to stay in. I rented a couple of movies and picked up some things for dinner at Eastern Market. After dinner I was sitting on the couch watching Robin Hood (awful) and finishing up a six-pack of Yuengling (OK, maybe it was more like a twelve-pack) when my phone rang, it was my downstairs tenant. I looked at my watch and it was just a little before midnight. I really didn't want to answer the phone because calls from tenants are generally to report that something is broken, and let's face it, I was in no shape to play the handyman role. However, this is technically part of my "job" so I picked up the call. My tenant said that she had locked herself out and was wondering if I was around and could let her in. Generally she would have been shit outta luck and would have had to spend the $100 on a locksmith to let her in the house, but since I was home I didn't mind going downstairs and unlocking her door, so I grabbed my keys and went down.

My tenant isn't a bad looking girl. She's 25 years old, tall - about 5'11", long brown hair, thin with huge boobs, but she's a slightly socially awkward and her face is just OK. If I met her out at a bar I would bang her. She's nothing special, though, so I have never considered hooking up with her given that she lives directly below me. That would just never work out.

Anyway, I go outside to let her into her place and she's sitting on her front porch with a cute blond girl and a case of Natty Light - I know, really classy (like my "I would bang her" comment). I said hello, unlocked the door then started walking back up the stairs to my door. My tenant introduced me to the girl and asked if I wanted a beer. If it was just my tenant sitting out there I would have declined because I have a strict "No drinking with female tenants" rule, a lesson I learned from experience (a story for another time). However, since she was with a friend I decided it was more like a party and thus acceptable (I can rationalize anything). She reached into the case to pull out a beer then said "Oh shit, we're out!". The blond giggled and said "I can't believe we drank a whole case". Tenant said she had tequila inside and asked if I'd rather have a shot. I told them it was OK and that I really didn't need another drink, then continued walking upstairs.

I grabbed a beer out of my fridge, plopped down on my couch, and had the following thoughts:

-Beer is good
-Girls are good
-I have beer but no girls
-There are girls downstairs with no beer
-Me's thinks there is an opportunity to greatly improve both our evenings
-Beer + hot tub + two girls = the three of us naked
-Shower
-Threesome

Now, notice how my mind made the quantum leap from "I should offer them a beer" to "threesome". My brain instinctively segued to the best case scenario. I picked up my phone and began to write a text message.

Luckily, not to mention surprisingly, while I was writing I had a glimmer of what was more likely to happen, which was:

-Invite them up for beer
-Me drunkenly making a pass at the blond and being rejected
-Me drunkenly making a pass at my tenant and being rejected
-A long awkward period of silence
-Blond and tenant quickly leaving creepy landlord's apartment
-Tenant not renewing her lease in the spring

I deleted the text message I was writing, went to bed, jerked off, then fell asleep. In the morning I was elated that I hadn't sent that text. Girls are crafty. I'm sure they ran out of beer and my tenant devised that little ruse of being locked out to replenish her beer supply.

That was NN making sound, prudent, decisions.

I must have used up all my Good Decision chits on Friday because last night I was a jackass. I had just finished cleaning up my dinner dishes when I got a text from Bear asking what I was up to. I said nothing and asked if she wanted to come over for a drink. She said yes and was there in 45 minutes.

Bear and I do get together for a drink now and again, but usually out at a restaurant, she hasn't been to my house in months. But no big deal, I really didn't think much of it. Bear came over, we had a beer and watched TV for a while, then at 11pm I said it was time for me to go to bed. There was a strange silence then she just followed me down to bed.

Bear is such a little freak, I love it. She said "I have my period, and I don't want anal tonight, so put your cock in my throat". I love it when she talks dirty.

After fantastic head Bear said "We never had that threesome, when can we do that?" She's been dangling that carrot in front of me for practically two years now, I said "You find the other girl and I'm in".

I really don't want to get back into the same groove with Bear that I do every year, it's just bad news. I regret having her over.

One final thought. Saturday night I met some buddies in Alexandria for a couple of beers and to watch football. Sitting next to us was this giant douche bag and his girlfriend who looked like an out-of-work porn star. The dude was kind of big, but goofy looking. He had on a white shirt that had blue swirls and, I don't know, eagle talons all over it. On each finger he had a silver ring with skulls and dragons and other gay mythical creatures. He was also covered in tats. The chick was striking. She was tall with long wavy blond hair, GIANT boobs, and she seemed fairly pretty. However, upon closer inspection her hair looked fake, her boobs were fake, her tan was fake, and she was kind of ugly. Her tits were hanging out of her shirt and she wanted everyone to look at her.

I'm not sure why, but when I looked at this couple I figured they were into some really crazy shit. The rings and the tats and the huge fake stripper-tits, I just couldn't help but think that they did things in bed that would never occur to me. Right? I mean, there are probably people walking around that fuck each other in ways that I wouldn't dream up in a million years. Who knows, maybe they like to fuck each other while live chickens run around the room. Or maybe he wants to fuck her while a machine shoots tennis balls into her stomach. Maybe they like to have sex in burning buildings, or while covered in Major Grey's Mango Chutney. People are so creative, they have to be doing some wild shit, right? Or maybe these two are all fucked up on the outside and have really vanilla sex while the geek in my IT department is totally cookoo in the sack and will only bang aboriginal pygmy twins after he sprays them head to toe with black Rustoleum paint.