The Dating Pyramid

I have a theory that the dating universe is comprised of a multi-tiered pyramid in which only lateral or downward dating is permitted.

The pyramid has three main levels. The top is filled with A-list celebrities: movie stars, authors, super models, rock stars and professional athletes. The next level are the ultra-wealthy and B-list celebrities. The third tier is the largest and is basically everyone that doesn't fit into the first two levels.

In the first level everyone is equal and are free to intermingle. The same applies to the second level, everyone has equal standing within the herd. The third tier, though, is the most complex and is made up of infinite sub-classes based on education, looks and wealth.

Here's the kicker. Once you are established in a level of the pyramid you cannot move up and date someone above you unless they are the pursuer. You can date laterally within your level or a person in a higher tier can reach down and pull you up to their level. However, it is not possible to reach up and pull someone down. Also, if you break up with the person in the higher level, regardless of who initiates is, you automatically and immediately drop to your original tier. It's the classic Cinderella/Pretty Woman scenario.

A real life example would be Jerry Seinfeld and his wife Jessica Sklar. Jerry clearly spotted her, was enamored, pursued and landed her. It's not like Jessica was sitting around her studio apartment in New York City one night watching Seinfeld and said "Hey, Jerry is kind of hot, I should give him a call tomorrow afternoon and see if he would like to go to Nobu Friday night". No fucking chance. She was a married tier-three no one from east butt-fuck Vermont running on a treadmill when Jerry reached down and pulled her up into his world. It cannot happen in the other direction, nature and society won't allow it.

Here is an example from my life.

One afternoon I was waiting for the Metro and sensed eyes burning a hole in my back. I looked around and spotted a massively overweight girl batting her eyelashes at me. Aside from being slovenly, she was dressed in all black and had big steel barbell going through the bridge of her nose. When the train came I tried to evade her by getting on another car but she followed me. On the train I avoided eye contact at all costs and focused on reading my newspaper. Hippo Girl was undeterred and eventually struck up a conversation about whatever was on the back side of the page I was reading. I made it clear I had no interest in talking to her and politely went back to my reading. I remember thinking to myself "Does she really think there is a chance we would ever get together?" She is clearly trying to pull off the impossible and reach up about four tiers and drag me down to the basement. Delusions and confidence are not the same thing, sweetheart.

Ironically, that same afternoon I was riding the Metro back to my office after the appointment when I spotted this unbelievable looking brunette sitting in my train. She was tall, had a great body, was really well dressed, dark complexion. I was feeling pretty confident that day. I had just closed a big deal and was dressed in my best suit. We made eye contact a couple of times until she finally pulled out her Blackberry and pretended to be busy checking emails. I made eye contact one last time and she made a face that could only be described as exasperation and pity. She did that thing girls do where they blink but hold their eyes shut for an extra second, hoping the guy will be gone when the open their eyes back up. Then it struck me, she was in a tier above me. I was like the goth hippo chick reaching up in a futile attempt to score someone above my level.

I honestly wish that none of this is true. I would like to believe that we are all human beings and equal. But I would also like to believe that a fat man in a red suit delivers presents to all the children of the world on one night in December. But as we all know both of those are fairy tales. Wish in one hand, my friends, and shit in the other, then see which one fills up first.