The World Wide Whathafuck

Wow, I am honestly stunned today. Things have been a little slow the past month and I wanted to try to stir up some material (and action), so I decided to post a personal ad online. I know there are a lot of really ignorant and/or stupid people out there, but what I don't understand is how they can afford a computer and Internet connection. Based on the spelling in some of the replies I received, there is no way a few of those people are holding down a job. They can't even convey basic thoughts in a complete sentence.

I'm just shocked.

I am going to let the ad stay up for a few days and write a complete segment on this for Monday. However, I thought it would be useful to give some background on my illustrious online dating experiences first.

I tried Internet dating only once before. About 7 years ago I posted an ad on match.com, but overall I found the experience to be frustrating. The problem was that most of the people I met were socially inept. Everyone can come off as great when they have time to write out their thoughts, grammar check them, use a thesaurus to find the perfect word, and ponder each thought backwards and forwards. But when I actually met up with some of these girls the interactions were awkward, to say the least. I emailed back and forth with around 20 girls, but only met up with a handful. Most of the time I had coffee or a drink and nothing more ever happened. The three girls I talk about below were all met on match.com.

The first girl I decided to meet up with was really cute in her picture, and sounded like a lot of fun. We picked a restaurant and met for drinks one night after work. When she showed up she was easily 35 pounds heavier than she was in her picture, she had a nasty cold, was disheveled looking, and was just a complete misfit. As soon as I saw her I thought "one and done", meaning I'll have one drink them I'm out of here. She had other plans, though. I kept trying to get the check and she would say things like "oh, let's have another", or would just order another round without saying anything. She wasn't drinking fast, or too much, she just didn't want to leave, and I didn't know what to do. To make matters worse she kept sneezing and coughing, it was nasty. Finally I excused myself to go to the men's room. I went to the back of the place, slipped a waiter $100 for our tab and went out the back door. It was the only time I ever did that, but you have to believe me that I tried every other way of ending the night politely. She was just a disaster. One my way home I stopped at a CVS and bought hand sanitizing gel and covered my hands and face in it. As soon as I got home I took a shower.

The second girl I met online I went out with for a few weeks, maybe a month. We got along well and she was fairly cool. She actually seemed very normal. She was a little younger than me, and looked like the most innocent girl ever. I ended up taking her to a black-tie party my office threw at this really nice hotel. She showed up in a long silver dress and looked fantastic. Long story short she ended up getting hammered at the party. I didn't think she drank that much, but she went from fine to out of control in 20 minutes. Finally she asked for the key to my room and said she was going to lay down for a bit, which sounded great to me. I couldn't have her walking around trashed talking to my coworkers, but I had to stay and be social for a little while longer. The party was in the lobby that had an atrium that went all the way up the center of the hotel. In each corner of the lobby there was a glass elevator. I put her in one elevator and then walked back to the party. As the elevator started going up she she spotted me and pulled up her dress to show me her garter belt. I swear to Christ I didn't provoke it at all, she did it all on her own, and about 10% of my office saw it. I almost fucking died. I was helpless, all I could do was stand there. Serves me right for bringing a stranger to an office function. Lesson was learned, and I never took her out again.

My final online dating experience was with this really sexy girl from Poland, she looked like a Russian stripper. Super sexy. I dated her for about two months. She was a little quirky, I think with a slight OCD problem, but nothing major. She seemed fairly conservative, sexually. I think it was three weeks before we even kissed. We fooled around a couple of times, but the clothes always stayed on. One night we went out in NYC and ended up back to her place. Up until this point we had only kissed, and I had no indication anything more was going to happen that night. Frankly, I thought she would ask me to sleep on the couch. We hooked up for a bit on her bed when we got home, then she went into the bathroom and took a shower. She was in there FOREVER, easily 45 minutes. I think she was betting that I would fall asleep and then she could just slide into bed and nothing would happen. When she walked out of the bathroom and saw I was awake she said "heyyyy, what are you still doing up?". I really didn't answer. She got into bed and we started hooking up again. After about 30 minutes all our clothes were off and she quietly opened the drawer of her night table and pulled out a condom. She put it on me then rolled over so I could get on top of her. It was dark in her room, but as I slid into her I saw something flash through my peripheral vision. Before my brain could process what my eye saw there was a sharp, shooting pain in on my left ass-cheek. A second later the sound waves caught up to the pain, and I heard the slap. As if I wasn't already in sensory overload, she yelled, nay screamed, "now fuck my pussy!". I cannot convey how shocked I was, but I can tell you that I almost put her head through the wall when her right hand made contact with my left butt cheek the second time. It must have looked like a rodeo, when they open the gate and the bull comes out of the chute at 40mph and twisting on all three axises while the cowboy gets flopped around like a rag doll. She slapped me about 10 more times before I finally grabbed both her wrists and rolled her over. I couldn't take anymore. We went out for a little longer, but it eventually just ended and I never went on match.com again.

More to come on my DC online dating experience.