Friends With Benefits

I was talking with my good friend Miguel last night about how the FWB situation with Bear recently ended. Miguel has been married for six years, has a two year old, and is "trying" for his second, possibly at this very moment (apparently it's hard to get pregnant, high school would have been much different had I known this). Miguel has been out of the game for a while now, but he seems amazed by the FWB concept. He has certainly had similar arrangements while in college, but I don't think he ever really experienced it during adult dating, so he always sounds a little surprised when I talk about FWB situations, and how often they occur.

What Miguel, and few other people realize, is that true FWB is a myth. My hypothesis is that FWB is not sustainable for more than 4 months. Inevitably, one party grows attached, and once that happens the whole arrangement is totally fucked. For some reason, that point seems to come at or around 4 months.

FWB starts harmlessly enough, usually at a function where both people consume too much alcohol (did people get laid before booze?). So, you have a few drinks, you make a few bad decisions, next thing you know it's morning you're trying to get your underwear down from the ceiling fan.

So the trend forms. You meet up, you have sex, you leave shortly thereafter. Repeat. Everyone is having fun, coming left and right, things are great. You may even brag to your friends about what a great situation you've stumbled into, and they think you're Columbus and you just discovered the New World all over again.

There are many variations on what happens next, but boiled down to its essence the sex is good but there is a lack of chemistry on one side of the equation. Then things change, and not for the better. I believe there are two main causes of the eventual FWB rift. The first is that one of the friends finds a new friend. The other is one of the friends starts getting slightly stronger feelings, and tries the impossible, taking the FWB out of friend territory and into a dating situation. Whatever the cause, the result is no more friends, and no more benefits. Not only are you no longer friends, but generally there is a deep resentment and anger.

Here's the real problem with FWB: the reason you are FWB and not dating is because one of the two friends does not really like the other person that much. If there were mutually strong feelings you would be dating instead of just fucking. One of you is a booty call. It's kind of like that saying in poker "If you can't pick out the sucker at the table in the first thirty minutes, you're the sucker". If you're OK with the FWB arrangement and not looking for other sources of entertainment, you're the booty call.

Here's something else to consider with FWB: you can be FWB with someone you're not really attracted to. I think this is a good thing. I have slept with a ton of chicks (unfortunately, literally) that I was not attracted to but who were great in bed. The fact is ugly girls try harder in bed. Hot chicks think that sex is great for the guy just because they showed up. After one or two times with the hot chick that is lousy in bed the guy gets sick of the her just lying there, we want some interaction, and ugly/heavy girls never disappoint. I obviously like motorcycles, so I will put this into motorcycle terms. Harley riders have a saying: Fat chicks are like Jap bikes, they're fun to ride but no one likes to be seen on them. So, FWB is great because you can have great sex with someone you wouldn't necessarily want to take out to meet your friends.

I have had many FWB, and I really enjoy it for the first few months. I think the reason that 4 months seems to be the limit is because it's just long enough to get you through a typical northern US winter. Maybe FWB can last longer is Siberia or Alaska, but here in the continental US 4 months is my magic number.

It is too bad, because if FWB was sustainable for more than 4 months it would be the perfect arrangement. If anyone has been able to pull FWB off for significantly longer than 4 months (maybe a year) and knows the secret to it, I would certainly be interested in hearing about it.