How do you ask?

I worked from home for a few hours yesterday and took the opportunity to rub one out on youporn.com. While I was on the site I looked at the categories they have listed and I realized that there is a lot of crazy shit out there on the internet.

I've always thought of myself as adventurous when it comes to sex, but after perusing youporn I would list my sexual proclivities as g-rated, vanilla, and even Victorian. People are into some wild stuff, man, and all I could think was "How do you ask a girl if you can do some of it". It's not that I want to actually do what I saw, it's more that I want to see the reaction of the chick after I ask for it.

For instance.

I saw a video where this dude locked a girl in medieval stocks then gagged her with his elephant cock while a guy in a ski mask burned her with candle wax.

I saw a girl with Tourettes get banged in the asshole. She said things in that 4-minute clip that would have made a carny blush.

I saw a chick take two cocks in her asshole at the same time. AT THE SAME TIME! Not only does that seem impossible to me, but as a dude, how do you agree to have your dick pressed against another dude's dick while simultaneously being shoved into a woman's shit-hole?

In college I saw a video of a woman being fucked by a horse, who, incidentally, had a dick bigger than my whole arm (just to clarify, the horse, not the chick, but I bet you could find both on the internet). You would be surprised how often the term "horsecock" gets thrown around these days, and every time I hear it my mind involuntarily flashes a snipit of that poor woman getting fucked/trampled by Secretariat.

The most disturbing thing I've ever seen, even worse than the horse, was a video I saw while visiting my roommate's younger brother at Vanderbilt his sophomore year. This kid not only watched, but had saved on his computer, this really fucked up clip.

The video showed this Japanese guy cum in a Japanese chick's mouth. She then spit it in a tea cup. The dude then sucked the cum out of the tea cup with a mini turkey baster. Of course I was like "What's he going to do with the turkey baster?". My roommate's brother was like "Wait and see!". That little Japanese dude then bent the girl over, shove the turkey baster up her ass, and squirted his jizz in her butt.

I think I was two forty's deep at that point and I still couldn't imagine what the turn on with that was.

But the little guy wasn't done yet. He took the turkey baster out of her ass and layed down on the floor, and she hovered over his face, kind of squatting. I was like "Holy fuck, what's she doing?" but I kind of already knew, just like you do. That reserved looking Japanese girl shit the dudes jizz into his mouth!

So the jizz came out of his cock-n-balls, went into the girls mouth, she spit it into a tea cup, the guy sucked it out of the tea cup with a turkey baster, then shoved the baster into the girls butt, squirted it in, and then it came full-circle when it was shit into the dude's mouth.

But they weren't done. With his shit-jizz in mouth, the guy stood up and spit it back into the girls mouth, who then swallowed it, thus ending the scene and my trust of anything Japanese.

So, going back to my original question, how do you propose that to someone? Is there an evolution to that finale? Is the guy like "OK, I've come in your ass, we've done the tea cup thing, I turkey basted your face twice last week, why don't we shove it in your ass and then you shit my spooge into my mouth. Is that OK with you?"

I would like to believe that this stuff only happens in porn where the people are getting paid, but deep down inside I don't think that's the case. What fascinates me even more is that somewhere, someone actually thought that jizz-juggling routine up. This is going on in people's homes!

The horse thing I can kind of understand. You're a chick, you live on a farm, you see that the thirty-nine inch cock on the horse and think "That's six times bigger than my boyfriend's, wonder what it would feel like...". I see where the thought process is derived from. I can connect the dots there. But the jizz merry-go-round? That's the work of a guy that lives in his mother's basement and plays 23 hours of World of Warcraft a day.

Getting back to a chick's reaction to being asked to do some of these things, let's suppose you are Bob. You sell tires - wholesale, and make twenty grand a year. You work 12 hours a day in a box filled with florescent light and the high points of your day are the canteen truck coming at 10am, and when you punch out at 7. One day you decide "Geez, I've been married 28 years and not once has my wife ever shit my jizz into my mouth, I'd really like to give that a shot", how the fuck do you even being to go about asking for it? Do you take your wife of 28 years out for a nice dinner and bring it up? Do you show up home after work with a dozen roses and a turkey baster? Maybe email her from work and give a basic outline of what you have planned that night in pictograph format? I can't think of one single scenario that doesn't end in divorce papers.

I think there should be a sex amnesty day each year for couples where on that day you could ask for anything you'd like sexually without penalty. I bet the divorce rate would go way down because people wouldn't look outside of the marriage for sexual gratification. You could come home with a monkey and a reciprocating saw and explain exactly what you'd like your wife to do with them and if she wasn't down with it you'd send the monkey home with the saw and sit down and watch Dancing With the Stars with wifey. No fussing, no 911 calls.

There's no point here really, it's merely an observation.