Cut Open Again

Yesterday was one of those days where I should have just stayed in bed. I should have clicked the off button on the alarm, pulled the sheets over my head and gone back to sleep. Instead, I had my stomach cut open again and my dog had a $1600 vet visit.

I knew a big vet bill was coming. The hound has had a sinus infection (or something similar)for a few weeks that antibiotics haven't cleared, so she had a procedure called a rhinoscopy, which along with all the other fun stuff that accompanies it, cost $1600. The real kick in the dick is that it wasn't even necessary. The vet didn't find anything and instead put the dog on some other meds to clear her nasal passage. I can't help but feel that the dog was put through unnecessary stress just so the vet could rack up a nice bill.

After I dropped the hound off at the vet I went to my surgeon for a follow-up visit. The doc looked over my stitches and said that the incision by my belt-line (it's actually halfway between my belt and my junk) looked infected. He moved me to another room where he did an ultra sound on the area and found an "abscess", which is essentially fluid trapped under the skin, likely a result of irritation from a stitches.

The doc said "This is not uncommon, we can take care of this here, let me get a nurse". The area in question looked like a big zit. It was a little smaller than a dime, red, and raised like a mountain. I figured he would squeeze it or stick it with a pin and I'd be on my way. Wishful thinking.

Moments later the doc returned with a nurse and a silver tray stacked with bottles, packages, needles, scalpels and a very large set of hooked needle-nose pliers.

The doctor left and the nurse had me unbutton my jeans and pull my pants down to the top of my crotch. She then tucked a piece of paper into my pants and folded it back over my jeans and had me hike up my shirt so that she had a clear work area. While she was sorting through her tray of toys she said "So, any travel plans this summer?" Really, we're going to make small talk now? This is exactly what my dentist does too. She pulled a disposable razor off the tray and started shaving the area around the zit...dry, without cream, or water, or anything.

I said "Uh, actually, I'm going to Chile Sunday..." but trailed off, saddened by the bare 6"x6" square around mount zit.

"Chile, huh, going to be cold down there, right?" I was looking at the area she just shaved and chuckled because it now reminded me of the Japanese flag. I said "Actually, I'm going to Santiago, in northern Chile, it's summer down there.." I stopped when she pulled out a long piece of tape and started applying it on my flag and ripping it up. rrrrrrrrrRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIPPPPPPPPPP "Whoa! What's that about?" I said, fighting back the urge to elbow her in the eye socket. "I'm removing the hairs I just shaved." I said "And a few you haven't".

"How long will you be in Peru?" Now she was swabbing the area with iodine, which ruined my flag. "Chile.", I said "Right, Chile. So, it's summer there?" I decided that since she's wasn't really listening I didn't have to respond. She didn't get the hint, though. While she drew fluid into a syringe she said "Isn't Chile down by Antarctica? Just a little pinch, now." and with that she I watched her plunge the needle into the tip of the zit. I was holding onto the sides of the table to keep my ass from lifting off, which would have driven the needle deeper. I said "I'm sorry, it's just hard for me to concentrate on geography with that needle in me."

The nurse pumped the topical anesthetic from the syringe into my zit, which made it almost triple in size. As she finished the doctor came in and they talked shop while he put on his gloves. He then came over and said "It's starting to get warm out, any travel plans this summer?" He was removing the cap off a scalpel so I decided not to get into the Chile discussion and just shook my head. The nurse was poking me with the needle and asking me if I felt anything. Then she said "He's going to Chile Sunday. I thought Chile was near Antarctica?" At least she got the country right.

The doc said "Ok, just a little pressure now." I then watched him stick the tip of the scalpel into the base of the left side of the zit, then drag it over the top to the right side, leaving a very fine, shallow, line like a paper cut. The nurse adjusted a huge light above us and nodded. The doc then retraced his line and pushed in HARD when he got to the peak of the zit. I felt a "pop", then about threw up when I saw a stream of milky white spooge explode out of the tip of the zit. He said "There's the fluid". No shit, you think?

He continued to cut and dig with the scalpel. Occasionally the nurse would swab the huge pool of blood with some gauze. It's a very unsettling sensation having someone cut into your numbed skin. I was surprised by how much pressure was necessary to cut the skin, I thought it would just part if you touched the scalpel to it. Not so, though. He was almost sawing the skin, and I could feel tugging.

The blood was really coming now and no one was making small talk, which was a relief. The nurse swabbed the incision with gauze and the doc said "Hot pen, please". She rooted around the tray but couldn't find it. She put down the gauze and searched the tray with both hands. The once mighty zit was now split open like an erupted volcano, blood and puss flowing down the right side. Doc abandoned his post too and was shuffling through the drawers on the room. The nurse said "Check the top drawer". I took up swabbing duty. I didn't even know what a "hot pen" was, but I really hoped they found it soon, it seemed important and I was bleeding a lot.

The doc found it - right in the top drawer like the nurse said. It looked like a big white magic marker. He pulled the cap off and exposed a wire loop on the tip. I said "Looks like a soldering iron" he laughed and pushed a button that made the loop immediately glow red. He said "Exactly like a soldering iron." Cue nervous laughter from NN - "I don't see any wire around..."

The nurse was back to swabbing and the doc said "We're going to cauterize the blood vessels then pack the cavity. The wound will heal from the inside out so that it doesn't close up and fester again." For those of you who haven't figured out what "cauterizing" is, it loosely means "to burn the shit out of something with a red-hot poker to stop from bleeding". It's probably German.

I then watched in morbid fascination as the nurse pried open the gash with the hooked needle-nose pliers and the doctor jammed the red tip into the hole. When the tip hit skin or whatever else is in that hole, there was a hissing noise followed by a narrow slit of white smoke that rose up about twelve inches. I've never smelled burning flesh before, but it smells just like burning hair - which is to say it's nauseating.

As promised, once the flesh-burning was complete the wound was packed with a 4" ribbon of white fabric. A gauze pad was placed over that and taped down with a huge layer of sticky tape that will remove the few remaining pubic hairs I have left above my gear.

Pretty great Wednesday.