I'm all Halloweened out. I celebrated twice this year, which apparently is one too many times. I went out Saturday with some friends in Georgetown and wound up at this pretty wild house party on P Street. Then Monday night I flew to Detroit and went out in Ann Arbor with D-ron.
I usually have a Halloween party at my house but this year my sis and I had a party at my place in September, so we opted out on Halloween and instead organized a field trip to a bar in Georgetown.
This year I decided to dress up as my friend C-roc's 5 year old son. I bought a kids set of super hero PJ's and a cape. The outfit was twelve sizes too small and looked hysterical. The downside of such a tight outfit was that I had a permanent wedgie, my bits and pieces were clearly visible, and I had no place to put money, a wallet, or a phone. This would come back to haunt me on Halloween II.
As always, everyone was amped up for Halloween. We had about 20 people meet up at the bar and the owner (a friend of ours) hooked us up with tons of free drinks and shots. At midnight my sister got a text from one of her friends who was at a party in Georgetown on P Street. He had extra invitations so we closed out our tabs and eight of us got in a cabs and headed over.
The party was at this huge mansion. This wasn't your typical house party with a couple of kegs and an iPod playing on the stereo. It was basically like a wedding. There were two large tents in the yard connected to the house. There was security at the doors, caterers walking around with finger food, and three or four open bars staffed by incredibly good looking women who I was told were all San Diego Charger Cheerleaders (not sure if that's true, didn't want to seem like a tourist and ask one of them). The most over the top part of the party, though, were the guests. Everyone was about my age and dressed in high-end costumes. I would say that 20% of the girls there were dressed as Playboy Bunnies and wore only thongs and bras. I saw a couple of girls that had on only a thong and had their chests airbrushed. You couldn't swing a dead cat by the tail without hitting three drop-dead gorgeous, semi-naked, girls.
I was standing in the dining room talking with one of my sister's friends when this girl walked by in the tightest fitting one-piece bathing suit I've ever seen. I had to check to make sure it wasn't painted on. When I confirmed my sister's friend (a female, just to clarify) said something like "I think I can see her asshole", a reference to high tight her costume was. I said "Really, I can't", so she reached out and stuck her finger up the girls ass and said "right here". She didn't touch her ass cheek, or graze her crack, she stuck her finger between the girls but and touched her asshole. Her index finger actually hit pay dirt. Needless to say, when the girl finally came down off the ceiling she was pissed, and naturally thought I was responsible. She turned and looked at me and I threw Sis's friend right under the bus. The bouncers were called over and we were both reprimanded but not ejected (surprisingly).
Shortly after the chocolate starfish incident a girl who was in the periphery of our circle all night come over to me and said "I just wanted you to know I find you very attractive". Obviously, I question anyone's judgement who looks at a grown man in a child's super hero costume and finds it attractive. However, this is what Halloween is all about, and fifteen minutes later we were in the kitchen making out. As a side note, I really liked her approach and will definitely use it.
The girl was dressed in a tight black stretchy outfit with ears and a few other props, but I never really understood what her costume was. She was a mythical character in a book, but I didn't know the book, or the character, and decided she was cute enough that it didn't matter. Let's call her Halloween. Halloween is 28, only 5', very thin, with long black hair, darkish skin, and great eyes. They are brown, but really light, almost blue. She works for a not-for-profit here in DC.
After being shooed out of the kitchen by the caterers Halloween and I went back to the party for another hour then hopped in a cab and headed back to my house. Once at my place we went to my room and got naked. We were both a little tipsy so there was a lot of fumbling around and bumping into each other. Eventually Halloween asked if I had a condom, so I grabbed one out of my dresser, put it on, we had really clumsy sex, then passed out.
My alarm, still set for weekdays, went off at 5:30. I rolled over and turned it off, took a drink of water, then flopped back down to bed. Halloween was sleeping on her stomach with just a t-shirt on. She's a petite girl, and her ass was staring up at me. Long story short, and I can't explain why, before I really knew what was going on I was licking her ass. I guess the evening had an ass theme. I don't think I've ever done that before, it was just not something that ever appealed to me, but it seemed like the right thing to do at the time. As a first, I wasn't sure what protocol was but I fingered her at the same time, which she didn't seem to mind. After a few minutes I rolled her over and went down on her, and after she came she rolled me on my back and gave me a handjob. Normally I would feel like I was short-changed, but I was OK with the handy.
We got out of bed at 9am, had a cup of coffee together, then I walked her to the Metro. We exchanged numbers and have plans to go out tomorrow night.
More on Halloween later.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Monday, October 24, 2011
Laissez Faire and Key West
The lady who knocked over my bike finally called me last night, though our conversation wasn't very productive. She blocked her outgoing number and wouldn't tell me her name, then went on to deny responsibility for the damage. I can't say this was a surprise given how difficult it was to get her to contact me. When I told her that I could clearly see her on video knocking over the bike, then asked how she could deny causing the damage she said "I can't comment on that now". I said "OK, then you can explain that to the police, I'll file the report in the morning, have a good night." then hung up. An hour later she called me back (blocked number) and asked me to email her the repair estimate. She said she can't afford to pay me the $300 all at once, so I gave her the option to pay me over three weeks, or to call in a credit card to the dealership. I can understand that she may need to pay me over time, but I think she's low-life scum for making me track her down and threaten her into standing up and taking responsibility for her actions. Show some balls, lady.
I'm giving her until the end of the week to make this right. If she doesn't take some action by then I'm going to chain her bike to the rack and call it even. I will certainly derive $300 of satisfaction knowing that she's stranded in a parking garage on a Friday night. I don't feel like involving the police as it will probably cause me more aggravation than the bike damage itself.
After the past few lame dates I've become pretty bearish on dating in general. Between Sausage Fingers, BII, Asia, Princeton, two girls I met in NYC a couple months ago, and a girl I met out with my cousin the week before last (I haven't mentioned her before), I'm discouraged enough that I have been hunkering down at home. Given the choice between sitting on the couch and reading or going out with another mediocre chick, the couch wins every time.
My friend Uncle Charlie has what I call a Laissez Faire approach to dating, and it's starting to make sense to me. Basically, he doesn't do anything, he just "lets it be" and takes whatever comes down the path. However, being a millionaire (or even a billionaire at this point) I think his path is being traveled by different girls than the ones strolling down mine.
Neither of us are the type to sit on our haunches and wait around for shit to happen when it comes to most things in life, but Uncle Charlie has always been this way and it's worked out for him before. Whether I intended to or not, I seem to have taken up the practice.
Moving on.
With my new job that allows me to work from any place I like, coupled with my complete lack of tail here in DC, I've been toying with the idea of renting a house in Key West and moving down there for the month of February or March. The idea popped in my head a few weeks ago and I haven't been able to come up with one good reason not to do it. I found a reasonably priced house for the month with a pool and a fenced in yard within walking distance of Duval Street. I would pack up the dog and drive down with my bike on the trailer and work pool-side for the month. I haven't broached the topic with my manager yet but I don't think he would have a problem with it.
Have to see how this pans out.
I'm giving her until the end of the week to make this right. If she doesn't take some action by then I'm going to chain her bike to the rack and call it even. I will certainly derive $300 of satisfaction knowing that she's stranded in a parking garage on a Friday night. I don't feel like involving the police as it will probably cause me more aggravation than the bike damage itself.
After the past few lame dates I've become pretty bearish on dating in general. Between Sausage Fingers, BII, Asia, Princeton, two girls I met in NYC a couple months ago, and a girl I met out with my cousin the week before last (I haven't mentioned her before), I'm discouraged enough that I have been hunkering down at home. Given the choice between sitting on the couch and reading or going out with another mediocre chick, the couch wins every time.
My friend Uncle Charlie has what I call a Laissez Faire approach to dating, and it's starting to make sense to me. Basically, he doesn't do anything, he just "lets it be" and takes whatever comes down the path. However, being a millionaire (or even a billionaire at this point) I think his path is being traveled by different girls than the ones strolling down mine.
Neither of us are the type to sit on our haunches and wait around for shit to happen when it comes to most things in life, but Uncle Charlie has always been this way and it's worked out for him before. Whether I intended to or not, I seem to have taken up the practice.
Moving on.
With my new job that allows me to work from any place I like, coupled with my complete lack of tail here in DC, I've been toying with the idea of renting a house in Key West and moving down there for the month of February or March. The idea popped in my head a few weeks ago and I haven't been able to come up with one good reason not to do it. I found a reasonably priced house for the month with a pool and a fenced in yard within walking distance of Duval Street. I would pack up the dog and drive down with my bike on the trailer and work pool-side for the month. I haven't broached the topic with my manager yet but I don't think he would have a problem with it.
Have to see how this pans out.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Princeton and BII
Pretty uninspiring few weeks here in DC. I don't know if it's the weather, or what, but I'm not very motivated lately, for dating or much else.
Last Saturday I had a guy's outing in Annapolis. Two friends and I sailed my boat to Annapolis harbor and met up with two other friends who sailed down in their boat and we spent two days at the Annapolis sailboat show. I've never seen such gratuitous rum consumption in my life. A few more days in that atmosphere and I would have been brushing my teeth using Gosling's and pouring Sailor Jerry in my cereal.
Two weeks ago I was out in Georgetown with C-Roc playing pool at a bar and we invited two girls to play with us. I ended up getting one girl's number and made plans to meet up with her last Saturday night, which was obviously an issue since I also had plans to be at the boat show. Saturday evening at about 7pm I got a text from the girl asking if we were still on for 9pm and I had to call her and explain how I forgot about out date. She was cool about it and we rescheduled for last night.
The girl is young, she turned 22 just a couple of weeks ago. She's cute, 5'2", half black half white, freckled, OK body, long wavy black hair. She's super bright which somewhat counters how young she is, but not completely. She went to Princeton so that's what I'll call her.
Princeton and I met out at Zaytinya last night for drinks and some appetizers. The night began and ended with an awkward ass-out hug, but everything in between was pretty normal if not a bit boring. We covered the usual bases: what do you do, where did you grow up, where do you live, what foods do you like, etc.. You know, standard conversation that you basically have to cover to know someone, but that makes you want to claw your ear drums out.
If nothing else the date taught me that the standard "meet for drinks" date is boring as shit and needs to be removed from the line up. Aside from being expensive (drinks and 4 apps were $116 with tip) it always turns into a Q&A session. My new rule is that if I have to get drinks for a date it has to be at a bar with shuffle-board or darts or a pool table, just some sort of activity to do while we drink and talk. I can't sit through another date like last night.
Tonight I have plans to meet BII out for, you guessed it, drinks after work. I'm currently jockeying to change venues to a dive bar with a pool table. BII did have one funny comment when we were making plans. We were going to meet after work at 6pm, but I had a meeting moved so I asked her to push it out to 7:30. She responded back "Sure, but I might be dressed for the 2nd half of the night, hope you don't mind". Does that mean she's coming in costume?
I hate being the early date. Early date guy is the sucker, he wines and dines the chick. Second date guy is who you want to be. I'm not sure how I ended up here.
To top off an all around shitty week, on Tuesday night some chick knocked over my motorcycle in my parking garage. I came out after work and the bike was kind of jacked up. The headlight, blinkers, and pegs were moved and scratched, but luckily there wasn't any major damage.
When I asked the garage manager what had happened he said he walked by at lunch and it was on its side, so he and another attendant picked it up, but he wasn't sure what had happened. We looked at the tape from the cameras and we saw this dumb-ass chick try to move my bike, for God only knows what reason. Naturally, she had no idea what she was doing and the bike, all 700 pounds of it, toppled over. She's lucky it didn't land on her and break her legs. Anyway, after the bike fell she nervously locked up her bicycle and power-walked out of the garage.
You can clearly see her face, and the type of bike she has on the film, so last night put a note on her bike asking her to call me about the motorcycle damage, but she hasn't called yet. She's caught red handed, and she knows it now, so I'm not sure why she hasn't called yet. If she doesn't call by Monday I'm going to lock her bike to the rack with a giant motorcycle lock that can't be cut. Pretty sure she'll call after that, but even if she doesn't the fact that she'd be stranded downtown with her bike permanently locked to a rack more than covers the $600 damage she did.
Last Saturday I had a guy's outing in Annapolis. Two friends and I sailed my boat to Annapolis harbor and met up with two other friends who sailed down in their boat and we spent two days at the Annapolis sailboat show. I've never seen such gratuitous rum consumption in my life. A few more days in that atmosphere and I would have been brushing my teeth using Gosling's and pouring Sailor Jerry in my cereal.
Two weeks ago I was out in Georgetown with C-Roc playing pool at a bar and we invited two girls to play with us. I ended up getting one girl's number and made plans to meet up with her last Saturday night, which was obviously an issue since I also had plans to be at the boat show. Saturday evening at about 7pm I got a text from the girl asking if we were still on for 9pm and I had to call her and explain how I forgot about out date. She was cool about it and we rescheduled for last night.
The girl is young, she turned 22 just a couple of weeks ago. She's cute, 5'2", half black half white, freckled, OK body, long wavy black hair. She's super bright which somewhat counters how young she is, but not completely. She went to Princeton so that's what I'll call her.
Princeton and I met out at Zaytinya last night for drinks and some appetizers. The night began and ended with an awkward ass-out hug, but everything in between was pretty normal if not a bit boring. We covered the usual bases: what do you do, where did you grow up, where do you live, what foods do you like, etc.. You know, standard conversation that you basically have to cover to know someone, but that makes you want to claw your ear drums out.
If nothing else the date taught me that the standard "meet for drinks" date is boring as shit and needs to be removed from the line up. Aside from being expensive (drinks and 4 apps were $116 with tip) it always turns into a Q&A session. My new rule is that if I have to get drinks for a date it has to be at a bar with shuffle-board or darts or a pool table, just some sort of activity to do while we drink and talk. I can't sit through another date like last night.
Tonight I have plans to meet BII out for, you guessed it, drinks after work. I'm currently jockeying to change venues to a dive bar with a pool table. BII did have one funny comment when we were making plans. We were going to meet after work at 6pm, but I had a meeting moved so I asked her to push it out to 7:30. She responded back "Sure, but I might be dressed for the 2nd half of the night, hope you don't mind". Does that mean she's coming in costume?
I hate being the early date. Early date guy is the sucker, he wines and dines the chick. Second date guy is who you want to be. I'm not sure how I ended up here.
To top off an all around shitty week, on Tuesday night some chick knocked over my motorcycle in my parking garage. I came out after work and the bike was kind of jacked up. The headlight, blinkers, and pegs were moved and scratched, but luckily there wasn't any major damage.
When I asked the garage manager what had happened he said he walked by at lunch and it was on its side, so he and another attendant picked it up, but he wasn't sure what had happened. We looked at the tape from the cameras and we saw this dumb-ass chick try to move my bike, for God only knows what reason. Naturally, she had no idea what she was doing and the bike, all 700 pounds of it, toppled over. She's lucky it didn't land on her and break her legs. Anyway, after the bike fell she nervously locked up her bicycle and power-walked out of the garage.
You can clearly see her face, and the type of bike she has on the film, so last night put a note on her bike asking her to call me about the motorcycle damage, but she hasn't called yet. She's caught red handed, and she knows it now, so I'm not sure why she hasn't called yet. If she doesn't call by Monday I'm going to lock her bike to the rack with a giant motorcycle lock that can't be cut. Pretty sure she'll call after that, but even if she doesn't the fact that she'd be stranded downtown with her bike permanently locked to a rack more than covers the $600 damage she did.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
New Bartender and Rant
I had my first real "date" in a while last night. I went out with a bartender I met last week. Overall I would say the date went well, but I can't decide if the chick is a little whacky or not.
Last Saturday I had plans to meet up with my sister and her two friends from Miami for drinks (drinks with one of the Miami-Colombian chicks turned into a hot tub event and all night sexcapade, a story for another time), so I decided to grab a quick drink and a bite to eat at a restaurant by my house beforehand. I was sitting at the bar reading a book while I waited for my food. The bartender asked about the book and we ending up chatting to the point that the rest of the bar was being neglected and our conversation got cut short by her manager. Before I left I asked her for her number so we could talk more, so she wrote her number down on a piece of paper and slid it over to me as I was leaving.
Bartender II:
The bartender is a cute little spitfire. She's short, barely 5' tall, super-thin (no chest, almost too thin), with long strait jet black hair and dark eyes. She's high energy to the point of being spastic and was zipping around the back of the bar like a hummingbird. I'll call her Bartender II, or BII.
This past Tuesday I sent BII a text and asked her if she wanted to meet up for drinks one night this week. She suggested we get together Wednesday after work, and when we decided on a place and time her final text was "Awesome, the food is great there, you'll love it".
This is where I typically go on a tangent about how when a guy asks a girl out specifically for DRINKS for a first date it's fucking rude for her to imply DINNER as well. So I'm going to do it.
If I ask a girl out and clearly say DRINKS, why do chicks make the leap to DINNER? If someone invited you to their house for a cocktail party, would you show up, sit down at their dining room table and ask what they're serving to eat? No, anyone with a modicum of manners would plan to eat before or after the party.
My suggestion for drinks is planned, specific, and has two purposes. The first is that it gives me a way to quickly and comfortably end the night in the event the girl sucks and I want to get out of there. Drinks can be short, thirty minutes to an hour, where as dinner is at least an hour and a half. The goal, both on dates and in most other aspects of my life is to avoid being trapped for extended periods with someone I no longer want to talk to. Secondly, if I truly can't stand her, having to buy her a $100-200 dinner is heaping insult onto injury. Don't get me wrong, I will gladly buy a girl I like dinner, or drinks, or concert tickets, or a fucking helicopter ride over Central Park, whatever she wants, but only after I determine I enjoy spending time with her and she with me. Plus, I still think it's just plain impolite to imply dinner. At least have the balls to say "Well, that place has excellent food, would you like to have dinner?" That shows balls and I would respect that. It says "Hey, buy me dinner motherfucker, I'm worth it" instead of "I'm too shy to ask you to take me to dinner, so I'm going to trick/shame you into doing it."
Let me address the "She'll pay half" argument. It's still goddamn rude. Going back to the cocktail party example, after you were invited over for dinner would you ever say "Oh, I'll bring the sides if you make a roast"? Again, not if you had any social graces. This is the same thing.
My point is, can't a date just be a couple of cocktails?
Anyway, after the chick spun drinks into a four course meal at one of the city's notoriously expensive restaurants I had half a mind to call it off and erase her number from my phone. However, one of my female co-workers talked me out of that and I (still reluctantly) met BII after work for dinner and drinks.
I showed up 15 minutes early and was surprised when she walked in right after me, early as well. She also looked hot, really hot. This description isn't going to work well, but here goes: she had on this VERY short puffy dress-shirt combo thing with no sleeves. It was really strange, like out of a Sci-Fi movie that a chick from Mars would be wearing. It was shiny and from the side you could basically see into it. It was like she had a huge puffy shiny pillow-case on and someone cut the sides off it. I could clearly see what color, style, and size thong she was wearing. Not only that, I could discern the exact pattern of the lace without any real effort. Same for the bra. She also had on really high leather boots. When she walked through the bar everyone, including me, stopped talking and stared. It was borderline slutty, but I'm down with that.
OK, I admit it, I would happily spring for dinner based on the puffy pillowcase dress thing alone.
We had a drink at the bar then asked the host for our table (I had begrudgedly called ahead for a reservation). Turns out she's a pretty cool girl. She's smart, lived all over the world, and has interesting hobbies. The one thing that threw me off was that I thought I caught her in a couple of lies and/or gross exaggerations. For instance, she said she liked to sky dive. I said "That's cool, where did you go?" and she said "I've jumped all over the world, and had 2,000 jumps before my 21st birthday?" I admittedly don't know shit about skydiving, but it would seem to me that 2,000 jumps is a lot in a three year window unless you're in an Airborne unit. There were a few other things, that's just one example.
I am taking her sailing on Sunday, I need another date with her to see what she's really like.
Last Saturday I had plans to meet up with my sister and her two friends from Miami for drinks (drinks with one of the Miami-Colombian chicks turned into a hot tub event and all night sexcapade, a story for another time), so I decided to grab a quick drink and a bite to eat at a restaurant by my house beforehand. I was sitting at the bar reading a book while I waited for my food. The bartender asked about the book and we ending up chatting to the point that the rest of the bar was being neglected and our conversation got cut short by her manager. Before I left I asked her for her number so we could talk more, so she wrote her number down on a piece of paper and slid it over to me as I was leaving.
Bartender II:
The bartender is a cute little spitfire. She's short, barely 5' tall, super-thin (no chest, almost too thin), with long strait jet black hair and dark eyes. She's high energy to the point of being spastic and was zipping around the back of the bar like a hummingbird. I'll call her Bartender II, or BII.
This past Tuesday I sent BII a text and asked her if she wanted to meet up for drinks one night this week. She suggested we get together Wednesday after work, and when we decided on a place and time her final text was "Awesome, the food is great there, you'll love it".
This is where I typically go on a tangent about how when a guy asks a girl out specifically for DRINKS for a first date it's fucking rude for her to imply DINNER as well. So I'm going to do it.
If I ask a girl out and clearly say DRINKS, why do chicks make the leap to DINNER? If someone invited you to their house for a cocktail party, would you show up, sit down at their dining room table and ask what they're serving to eat? No, anyone with a modicum of manners would plan to eat before or after the party.
My suggestion for drinks is planned, specific, and has two purposes. The first is that it gives me a way to quickly and comfortably end the night in the event the girl sucks and I want to get out of there. Drinks can be short, thirty minutes to an hour, where as dinner is at least an hour and a half. The goal, both on dates and in most other aspects of my life is to avoid being trapped for extended periods with someone I no longer want to talk to. Secondly, if I truly can't stand her, having to buy her a $100-200 dinner is heaping insult onto injury. Don't get me wrong, I will gladly buy a girl I like dinner, or drinks, or concert tickets, or a fucking helicopter ride over Central Park, whatever she wants, but only after I determine I enjoy spending time with her and she with me. Plus, I still think it's just plain impolite to imply dinner. At least have the balls to say "Well, that place has excellent food, would you like to have dinner?" That shows balls and I would respect that. It says "Hey, buy me dinner motherfucker, I'm worth it" instead of "I'm too shy to ask you to take me to dinner, so I'm going to trick/shame you into doing it."
Let me address the "She'll pay half" argument. It's still goddamn rude. Going back to the cocktail party example, after you were invited over for dinner would you ever say "Oh, I'll bring the sides if you make a roast"? Again, not if you had any social graces. This is the same thing.
My point is, can't a date just be a couple of cocktails?
Anyway, after the chick spun drinks into a four course meal at one of the city's notoriously expensive restaurants I had half a mind to call it off and erase her number from my phone. However, one of my female co-workers talked me out of that and I (still reluctantly) met BII after work for dinner and drinks.
I showed up 15 minutes early and was surprised when she walked in right after me, early as well. She also looked hot, really hot. This description isn't going to work well, but here goes: she had on this VERY short puffy dress-shirt combo thing with no sleeves. It was really strange, like out of a Sci-Fi movie that a chick from Mars would be wearing. It was shiny and from the side you could basically see into it. It was like she had a huge puffy shiny pillow-case on and someone cut the sides off it. I could clearly see what color, style, and size thong she was wearing. Not only that, I could discern the exact pattern of the lace without any real effort. Same for the bra. She also had on really high leather boots. When she walked through the bar everyone, including me, stopped talking and stared. It was borderline slutty, but I'm down with that.
OK, I admit it, I would happily spring for dinner based on the puffy pillowcase dress thing alone.
We had a drink at the bar then asked the host for our table (I had begrudgedly called ahead for a reservation). Turns out she's a pretty cool girl. She's smart, lived all over the world, and has interesting hobbies. The one thing that threw me off was that I thought I caught her in a couple of lies and/or gross exaggerations. For instance, she said she liked to sky dive. I said "That's cool, where did you go?" and she said "I've jumped all over the world, and had 2,000 jumps before my 21st birthday?" I admittedly don't know shit about skydiving, but it would seem to me that 2,000 jumps is a lot in a three year window unless you're in an Airborne unit. There were a few other things, that's just one example.
I am taking her sailing on Sunday, I need another date with her to see what she's really like.
Friday, September 16, 2011
Red Mercedes
I'm obviously in the midst of a sex recession.
Wednesday night I was walking the dog to the park and spotted this very cute chick getting out of her brand new perfectly waxed and polished red Mercedes SLK. She looked like she was just coming from the gym, all sweaty and in shorts and a t-shirt, but she was still really attractive.
Naturally, as I walked by, the dog stopped and took a monster shit on the sidewalk right next to her sparkling Benz. There really is no way of regaining your mojo after you've picked up half a pound of warm dog shit with a Home Depot bag, though. So, with warm shit in hand I nodded and walked off.
An hour later while I was on my way back home I saw my local meter-maid scooting up the street on his Segway. I was fifteen feet away from the Mercedes and he rolled up to the hottie's car and started to punch her info into his little machine. The dude is a younger African American guy with dreads that I see in the neighborhood all the time. While he was writing the ticket I said "Ah man, the girl who owns this car is hot, smoking hot, you can't give her a ticket!". He said "Who, this red car here?" I said "Yeah, I just saw the girl park it a little while ago, and she's incredible looking, you should let it go this time." He said "Really, she's that good looking?" I nodded and he said "Oh, yeah then, fuck it. But next time you see her you gotta tell her the only reason she didn't get a $50 ticket is because of you." Then he scooted off to his next victim.
So, Red Mercedes Hottie parked on 10th Street, you owe me, wherever you are.
Wednesday night I was walking the dog to the park and spotted this very cute chick getting out of her brand new perfectly waxed and polished red Mercedes SLK. She looked like she was just coming from the gym, all sweaty and in shorts and a t-shirt, but she was still really attractive.
Naturally, as I walked by, the dog stopped and took a monster shit on the sidewalk right next to her sparkling Benz. There really is no way of regaining your mojo after you've picked up half a pound of warm dog shit with a Home Depot bag, though. So, with warm shit in hand I nodded and walked off.
An hour later while I was on my way back home I saw my local meter-maid scooting up the street on his Segway. I was fifteen feet away from the Mercedes and he rolled up to the hottie's car and started to punch her info into his little machine. The dude is a younger African American guy with dreads that I see in the neighborhood all the time. While he was writing the ticket I said "Ah man, the girl who owns this car is hot, smoking hot, you can't give her a ticket!". He said "Who, this red car here?" I said "Yeah, I just saw the girl park it a little while ago, and she's incredible looking, you should let it go this time." He said "Really, she's that good looking?" I nodded and he said "Oh, yeah then, fuck it. But next time you see her you gotta tell her the only reason she didn't get a $50 ticket is because of you." Then he scooted off to his next victim.
So, Red Mercedes Hottie parked on 10th Street, you owe me, wherever you are.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Slightly Ashamed
I'm slightly ashamed of this, but only slightly.
There's a new amazonian blond in my office. She's basically the same as Trouble in my office last year, except she has a prettier face. She's 6' tall, thin, blond hair, blue eyes, you get the picture, she's your average Dallas woman, but I think she's from Arizona.
Anyway, Trouble II started at my office a few weeks ago and sits in the same area original Trouble used to sit in, which is on the far side of my building. I have no interaction with anyone where she sits, so I never bump into her. Trouble was in my office for a full year and I never said more than three words to her and I am determined not to make that same mistake twice. However, the only way I have come up with to talk with her long enough to ask her out is questionable (though I would like to think it's resourceful).
I control security at my buildings so I decided the best way to get a few minutes of one-on-one time with TII was to turn off her building access card. They go dead all the time, so it won't be all that obvious. Then, when she comes by to get a new one I can chat her up and hopefully ask her out.
I told my plan to my sister and she thought it was a great idea. She said "And if you guys start to date, it will make a great story". All I could think was that it might also make a great story at the restraining order hearing.
There's a new amazonian blond in my office. She's basically the same as Trouble in my office last year, except she has a prettier face. She's 6' tall, thin, blond hair, blue eyes, you get the picture, she's your average Dallas woman, but I think she's from Arizona.
Anyway, Trouble II started at my office a few weeks ago and sits in the same area original Trouble used to sit in, which is on the far side of my building. I have no interaction with anyone where she sits, so I never bump into her. Trouble was in my office for a full year and I never said more than three words to her and I am determined not to make that same mistake twice. However, the only way I have come up with to talk with her long enough to ask her out is questionable (though I would like to think it's resourceful).
I control security at my buildings so I decided the best way to get a few minutes of one-on-one time with TII was to turn off her building access card. They go dead all the time, so it won't be all that obvious. Then, when she comes by to get a new one I can chat her up and hopefully ask her out.
I told my plan to my sister and she thought it was a great idea. She said "And if you guys start to date, it will make a great story". All I could think was that it might also make a great story at the restraining order hearing.
Monday, September 12, 2011
You can't idiot-proof anything
My weekend started with a laundry list of items my Middle-Eastern-Princess tenant "urgently" needed repaired, only to find out that nothing was broken, she simply didn't know how to do or use anything. This got me thinking that you really can't make anything idiot-proof, people will always find excuses to be dumb, the most egregious excuse being "you never told me so". Should we really design society for the lowest common denominator of human common sense?
Take seat belts and Russian roulette as examples. We all know it's a law that you have to wear seat belts while driving, any first grader will tell you click-it or ticket, but do we really need a law making it illegal to drive without a seat belt? Shouldn't self-preservation be motivation enough to put a seat belt on? If not wanting to die from crushing ones skull against a tempered piece of glass doesn't compel you to click-it, what is a $50 fine going to do? Do we really need a law for this? Can't we just be happy to know that people who are too stupid to use a device designed to save their life probably won't live long enough to reproduce. It would be like making a law saying it's illegal to play Russian roulette (if there isn't already one). It seems to me that this problem corrects itself and we don't need to waste precious resources enatcing legislation or enforcing it. If you want to play Russian roulette or drive without a seat belt, by all means, go for it, you're only hurting yourself.
How about the fact that all coffee cups now have "Caution: Contents may be hot!" written on them. This is a great example of the "you never told me so" defense to stupidity. The last time I checked coffee is served fucking hot unless you specifically ask for it iced. Why do you need to be reminded it's hot? Do all your coffee mugs at home have the caution written on them? No? Then how do you know if the contents are hot or cold? If you order a coffee, then spill it on your balls, is printing a reminder on the cup that what's inside it is hot going to change anything? Not really, it just makes it harder for the idiot with the scalded nuts to sue and win money from the poor sap who sold it to him. This doesn't make a product safer, it's lawyers at work attempting to make something as simple as a cup of coffee "idiot-proof". You can't do it. How long until some blind dude burns his sack and they have to print that in braille on the cup?
Here's a real life example. Two weeks ago I got a call from an admin at my office who told me that she broke her big toe walking out of the ladies room because someone opened the door too quickly as she was leaving, and the door hit her toe. I listened to her for ten minutes about how dangerous the door was, and that there should be a sign stating "Open door slowly" on all the restroom doors. That makes about as much sense as putting a sign on the inside stating "keep toes away from swinging door". Really, am I responsible for idiot-proofing doors now? If you can't leave a restroom without breaking your toe I think we should have a long talk with your manager and see if you're really competent enough to do your job.
Ever wonder why all rear view mirrors on cars have "Objects in mirror are closer than they appear" written on them? You know some dumb fuck merged left into a truck, got clobbered, then sued claiming the truck looked one-three-hundredth of a mile further away than it actually was. I bet that asshole merged without ever looking, and now every car we buy costs $30 more because the manufacturer has to print that warning on my mirrors.
If these examples don't make sense to you, you're one of the ass clowns I'm talking about. The rest of you should be insulted that The Man feels your not intelligent enough to survive without rules and laws like this.
Take "No Turn On Red" signs at intersections. Once in a while I come to an intersection with a bad blind spot and it makes sense that you should wait for a green light to turn right. But by and large the majority of these signs are up because some fucking jagaloon pulled out into traffic and caused an accident, so the city decided it was easier to put up a sign than teach people to drive. You can't idiot-proof the streets with signage. If someone can't make a right turn on red without pulling into oncoming traffic or running over a pedestrian, no amount of signage is going to prevent them from eventually getting into an accident. Wouldn't it make more sense to take away his or her license than hang a sign? I've never gotten into an accident making a right on red, my record is clean, why am I being forced to sit at lights? Another one that pisses me off is sitting at a red arrow waiting to make a left turn, in the middle of the night, on a deserted street. There's no one coming, I can see three hundred yards in every direction, why can't I turn?
Can someone please explain to me why we have a minimum wage rate when unemployment is at ten percent? If you're willing to work for $4 an hour, what right does the government have to tell you you can't? I'm constantly reading about how the US is no longer a viable manufacturer. I'm no economist, but if we did away with minimum wage, and everyone went back to work making widgets, wouldn't that make our country a viable manufacturer? What ever happened to the "free hand" of the market?
If you want to see a true free market economy, uninhibited by government interference, go to the parking lot of Home Depot on Rhode Island Avenue and hire a day laborer. It's Econ 101. If the market is up, the demand for day laborers goes up, so wages increase. When the economy sucks, demand for day laborers goes down along with wages. You see it in real-time. Two years ago guys would work for $6-8 an hour. The economy seems to have improved a bit, and now no one will work for $6 an hour, the rate has gone up to $8-10. If a guy is really eager to work, though, shouldn't he have the right to do it for $5 an hour? Isn't this good for everyone? Labor has been around for twenty thousand years, why are we trying to idiot-proof it with regulation?
What it boils down to is that no one is willing to take responsibility for their actions. Some chicks is driving and spills a hot cup of McDonald's coffee on her twat, she gets embarrassed and needs to blame someone, and her lawyer convinces her that McDonald's is to blame because they didn't tell her the hot coffee she ordered was hot. She's stupid, her twat is deformed, so she sues. And since the jury on the case is a group of her equally dumb peers (because let's face it, anyone with half a brain can get out of jury duty if they want to) she wins millions and McDonld's has to print warnings on a billion cups. You're just never going to idiot-proof anything.
Take seat belts and Russian roulette as examples. We all know it's a law that you have to wear seat belts while driving, any first grader will tell you click-it or ticket, but do we really need a law making it illegal to drive without a seat belt? Shouldn't self-preservation be motivation enough to put a seat belt on? If not wanting to die from crushing ones skull against a tempered piece of glass doesn't compel you to click-it, what is a $50 fine going to do? Do we really need a law for this? Can't we just be happy to know that people who are too stupid to use a device designed to save their life probably won't live long enough to reproduce. It would be like making a law saying it's illegal to play Russian roulette (if there isn't already one). It seems to me that this problem corrects itself and we don't need to waste precious resources enatcing legislation or enforcing it. If you want to play Russian roulette or drive without a seat belt, by all means, go for it, you're only hurting yourself.
How about the fact that all coffee cups now have "Caution: Contents may be hot!" written on them. This is a great example of the "you never told me so" defense to stupidity. The last time I checked coffee is served fucking hot unless you specifically ask for it iced. Why do you need to be reminded it's hot? Do all your coffee mugs at home have the caution written on them? No? Then how do you know if the contents are hot or cold? If you order a coffee, then spill it on your balls, is printing a reminder on the cup that what's inside it is hot going to change anything? Not really, it just makes it harder for the idiot with the scalded nuts to sue and win money from the poor sap who sold it to him. This doesn't make a product safer, it's lawyers at work attempting to make something as simple as a cup of coffee "idiot-proof". You can't do it. How long until some blind dude burns his sack and they have to print that in braille on the cup?
Here's a real life example. Two weeks ago I got a call from an admin at my office who told me that she broke her big toe walking out of the ladies room because someone opened the door too quickly as she was leaving, and the door hit her toe. I listened to her for ten minutes about how dangerous the door was, and that there should be a sign stating "Open door slowly" on all the restroom doors. That makes about as much sense as putting a sign on the inside stating "keep toes away from swinging door". Really, am I responsible for idiot-proofing doors now? If you can't leave a restroom without breaking your toe I think we should have a long talk with your manager and see if you're really competent enough to do your job.
Ever wonder why all rear view mirrors on cars have "Objects in mirror are closer than they appear" written on them? You know some dumb fuck merged left into a truck, got clobbered, then sued claiming the truck looked one-three-hundredth of a mile further away than it actually was. I bet that asshole merged without ever looking, and now every car we buy costs $30 more because the manufacturer has to print that warning on my mirrors.
If these examples don't make sense to you, you're one of the ass clowns I'm talking about. The rest of you should be insulted that The Man feels your not intelligent enough to survive without rules and laws like this.
Take "No Turn On Red" signs at intersections. Once in a while I come to an intersection with a bad blind spot and it makes sense that you should wait for a green light to turn right. But by and large the majority of these signs are up because some fucking jagaloon pulled out into traffic and caused an accident, so the city decided it was easier to put up a sign than teach people to drive. You can't idiot-proof the streets with signage. If someone can't make a right turn on red without pulling into oncoming traffic or running over a pedestrian, no amount of signage is going to prevent them from eventually getting into an accident. Wouldn't it make more sense to take away his or her license than hang a sign? I've never gotten into an accident making a right on red, my record is clean, why am I being forced to sit at lights? Another one that pisses me off is sitting at a red arrow waiting to make a left turn, in the middle of the night, on a deserted street. There's no one coming, I can see three hundred yards in every direction, why can't I turn?
Can someone please explain to me why we have a minimum wage rate when unemployment is at ten percent? If you're willing to work for $4 an hour, what right does the government have to tell you you can't? I'm constantly reading about how the US is no longer a viable manufacturer. I'm no economist, but if we did away with minimum wage, and everyone went back to work making widgets, wouldn't that make our country a viable manufacturer? What ever happened to the "free hand" of the market?
If you want to see a true free market economy, uninhibited by government interference, go to the parking lot of Home Depot on Rhode Island Avenue and hire a day laborer. It's Econ 101. If the market is up, the demand for day laborers goes up, so wages increase. When the economy sucks, demand for day laborers goes down along with wages. You see it in real-time. Two years ago guys would work for $6-8 an hour. The economy seems to have improved a bit, and now no one will work for $6 an hour, the rate has gone up to $8-10. If a guy is really eager to work, though, shouldn't he have the right to do it for $5 an hour? Isn't this good for everyone? Labor has been around for twenty thousand years, why are we trying to idiot-proof it with regulation?
What it boils down to is that no one is willing to take responsibility for their actions. Some chicks is driving and spills a hot cup of McDonald's coffee on her twat, she gets embarrassed and needs to blame someone, and her lawyer convinces her that McDonald's is to blame because they didn't tell her the hot coffee she ordered was hot. She's stupid, her twat is deformed, so she sues. And since the jury on the case is a group of her equally dumb peers (because let's face it, anyone with half a brain can get out of jury duty if they want to) she wins millions and McDonld's has to print warnings on a billion cups. You're just never going to idiot-proof anything.
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